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David Letterman quotes (showing 1-21 of 21)

“If it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.”
David Letterman
“If what you've done is stupid, but it works..then it really isn't all that stupid.”
David Letterman
“USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.”
David Letterman
“Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2) Advising the President. 3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin. ”
David Letterman
“America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.”
David Letterman
“You can't eat tomatoes because they're tainted with deadly salmonella.

First there was tainted lettuce. Now, tainted tomatoes. Who would have thought that the healthiest part of a B.L.T. would be the bacon?”
David Letterman
“Labour day is a great American holiday that people
celebrate by going out and buying products
made in China”
David Letterman
“You have Kim Jong Il, and you have his brother, Menta Lee Il.”
David Letterman
“I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.”
David Letterman
“There is no off position on the genius switch.”
David Letterman
“BP has put more birds in oil than Colonel Sanders.”
David Letterman
“I had no idea this thing was televised. Boy, is my face red.”
David Letterman
“Just make sure if you fail, you did what you wanted to do.”
David Letterman
“I haven't reached nirvana yet, but I've been to Detroit.”
David Letterman
“There is no off position on the genius”
David Letterman
“Enjoy every sandwich.”
David Letterman
“A high-level government agent was arrested today for selling secrets to Russia. They now have all of the exact locations of our back-to-school headquarters.”
David Letterman
“USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population. ”
David Letterman
“But unlike Sir Sith's other childhood dreams--dating Dame May Whitty, driving two race cars at once, being voted King of the Gypsies--this one has come true.”
David Letterman, This Land Was Made for You and Me (But Mostly Me): Billionaires in the Wild
“What the hell's the date, Paul?”
David Letterman
“I have found that the only thing that does bring you happiness is doing something good for somebody who is incapable of doing it for themselves.”
David Letterman


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