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Ambrose Bierce quotes (showing 1-30 of 286)

“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.”
Ambrose Bierce, The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
“The covers of this book are too far apart.”
Ambrose Bierce
“Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.”
Ambrose Bierce
“Quotation, n: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.”
Ambrose Bierce, The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
Sweater, n. Garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly.”
Ambrose Bierce, The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
Egotist, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.”
Ambrose Bierce, The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
“Patience – A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue.”
Ambrose Bierce, The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
“All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.”
Ambrose Bierce, The Collected Writings Of Ambrose Bierce
“Selfish, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.”
Ambrose Bierce, The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
Pray, v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner, confessedly unworthy.”
Ambrose Bierce, The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
“Cynic, n. A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are not as they ought to be.”
Ambrose Bierce, The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
Ocean, n. A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man — who has no gills.”
Ambrose Bierce, The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
Faith, n. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.”
Ambrose Bierce, The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
“Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.”
Ambrose Bierce
Scriptures, n. The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based.”
Ambrose Bierce, The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
Redemption, n. Deliverance of sinners from the penalty of their sin through their murder of the deity against whom they sinned. The doctrine of Redemption is the fundamental mystery of our holy religions, and whoso believeth in it shall not perish, but have everlasting life in which to try to understand it.”
Ambrose Bierce, The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
“Corporation, n. An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility.”
Ambrose Bierce, The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
“Education, n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.”
Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary
“Apologize: To lay the foundation for a future offence.”
Ambrose Bierce, The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
“In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.”
Ambrose Bierce
Heathen, n. A benighted creature who has the folly to worship something he can see and feel.”
Ambrose Bierce, The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
“Bore, n.: A person who talks when you wish him to listen.”
Ambrose Bierce, The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
“Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum -- "I think that I think, therefore I think that I am;" as close an approach to certainty as any philosopher has yet made.”
Ambrose Bierce, The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
“The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.”
Ambrose Bierce
Positive, adj.: Mistaken at the top of one's voice.”
Ambrose Bierce, The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
“HOMICIDE, n. The slaying of one human being by another. There are
four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and
praiseworthy, but it makes no great difference to the person slain
whether he fell by one kind or another -- the classification is for
advantage of the lawyers.”
Ambrose Bierce, The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
“Hash, x. There is no definition for this word - nobody knows what hash is.
Famous, adj. Conspicuously miserable.
Dictionary, n. A malevolent literary device for cramping the growth of a language and making it hard and inelastic. This dictionary, however, is a most useful work.”
Ambrose Bierce, The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
“You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute.”
Ambrose Bierce
“You don't have to be stupid to be a Christian, ... but it probably helps.”
Ambrose Bierce
“Inhumanity, n. One of the signal and characteristic qualities of humanity.”
Ambrose Bierce, The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary

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