Lamb Quotes

“Nobody's perfect. Well, there was this one guy, but we killed him....”
― Christopher Moore, Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal

“Children see magic because they look for it.”
― Christopher Moore, Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal

“Blessed are the dumbfucks.”
― Christopher Moore, Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal

“It's wildly irritating to have invented something as revolutionary as sarcasm, only to have it abused by amateurs.”
― Christopher Moore, Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal

“It’s sarcasm, Josh.”

“Sarcasm?”

“It’s from the Greek, sarkasmos. To bite the lips. It means that you aren’t really saying what you mean, but people will get your point. I invented it, Bartholomew named it.”

“Well, if the village idiot named it, I’m sure it’s a good thing.”

“There you go, you got it.”

“Got what?”

“Sarcasm.”

“No, I meant it.”

“Sure you did.”

“Is that sarcasm?”

“Irony, I think.”

“What’s the difference?”

“I haven’t the slightest idea.”

“So you’re being ironic now, right?”

“No, I really don’t know.”

“Maybe you should ask the idiot.”

“Now you’ve got it.”

“What?”

“Sarcasm.”
― Christopher Moore, Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal

“If you have come to these pages for laughter, may you find it.
If you are here to be offended, may your ire rise and your blood boil.
If you seek an adventure, may this song sing you away to blissful escape.
If you need to test or confirm your beliefs, may you reach comfortable conclusions.
All books reveal perfection, by what they are or what they are not.
May you find that which you seek, in these pages or outside them.
May you find perfection, and know it by name.”
― Christopher Moore, Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal

“That's the difference between irony and sarcasm. Irony can be spontaneous, while sarcasm requires volition. You have to create sarcasm.”
― Christopher Moore, Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal

“You think you know how this story is going to end, but you don't.”
― Christopher Moore, Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal

“Josh: "What is this thing?"
Gasper: "It's a Yeti. An abominable snowman."
Biff: "This is what happens when you fuck a sheep?"
Josh: "Not an abomination, abominable.”
― Christopher Moore, Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal

“Joshua's ministry was three years of preaching, sometimes three times a day, and although there were some high and low points, I could never remember the sermons word for word, but here's the gist of almost every sermon I ever heard Joshua give.

You should be nice to people, even creeps.
And if you:
a) believed that Joshua was the Son of God (and)
b) he had come to save you from sin (and)
c) acknowledged the Holy Spirit within you (became as a little child, he would say) (and)
d) didn't blaspheme the Holy Ghost (see c)
then you would:
e) live forever
f) someplace nice
g) probably heavan
However, if you:
h) sinned (and/or)
i) were a hypocrite (and/or)
j) valued things over people (and)
k) didn't do a, b, c, and d,
then you were:
l) fucked”
― Christopher Moore, Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal

“I've tried to get the angel to watch MTV so I can learn the vocabulary of your music, but even with the gift of tongues, I'm having trouble learning to speak hip-hop. Why is it that one can busta rhyme or busta move anywhere but you must busta cap in someone's ass? Is "ho" always feminine, and "muthafucka" always masculine, while "bitch" can be either? How many peeps in a posse, how much booty before baby got back, do you have to be all that to get all up in that, and do I need to be dope and phat to be da bomb or can I just be "stupid"? I'll not be singing over any dead mothers until I understand.”
― Christopher Moore, Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal

“It's very difficult to stay angry when a room full of bald guys in orange robes start giggling. Buddhism.”
― Christopher Moore, Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal

“He invented Kung Fu when translated to English means method by which short, bald guys can kick the bejeezus out of you.”
― Christopher Moore, Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal

“It's hard for me, a Jew, to stay in the moment. Without the past, where is the guilt? And without the future, where is the dread? And without guilt and dread, who am I?”
― Christopher Moore, Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal

“Oh, I get it," I said. "It's a parable. Cute. Let's go eat.”
― Christopher Moore, Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal

“Why is it one can busta rhyme or busta move anywhere, but one must busta cap in someone's ass?”
― Christopher Moore, Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal

“This story is not and never was meant to challenge anyone's faith; however, if one's faith can be shaken by stories in a humorous novel, one may have a bit more praying to do.”
― Christopher Moore, Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal

“Oh, I would while away the hours,
Wanking in the flowers, my heart all full of song,
I'd be gliding all the lilies as I waved about my willie,
If I only had a schlong.”
― Christopher Moore, Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal

“I know that even now, having watched enough television, you probably won't even refer to them as lepers so as to spare their feelings. You probably call them 'parts-dropping-off challenged' or something.”
― Christopher Moore, Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal

“I've got to think that that was unethical," Joshua said.
"Josh, faking demonic possession is like a mustard seed."
"How is it like a mustard seed?"
"You don't know, do you? Doesn't seem at all like a mustard seed, does it? Now you see how we all feel when you liken things unto a mustard seed? Huh?”
― Christopher Moore, Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal

“I'm thinking of being a professional mourner. How hard can it be? Tear at your hair, sing a dirge or two, take the rest of the week off.”
― Christopher Moore, Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal

“Routine feeds the illusion of safety...”
― Christopher Moore, Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal

“I'll bet he was myrrh. Bastard, he brings the cheapest gift and now he wants to sodomize me.”
― Christopher Moore, Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal

“You see," I explained to Joshua, "what Joy is doing is ironic, yet that's not her intent. That's the difference between irony and sarcasm. Irony can be spontaneous, while sarcasm requires volition. You have to create sarcasm."
"No kidding?" said Josh.
"Why do I waste my time with you?”
― Christopher Moore, Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal

“Faith isn't an act of intelligence, it's an act of imagination.”
― Christopher Moore, Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal

“The angel has confided in me that he is going to ask the Lord if he can become Spider-Man. [...] The children need heroes, he says. I think he just wants to swing from buildings in tight red jammies.”
― Christopher Moore, Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal

“Blessed are the meek, for to them we shall say "attaboy".”
― Christopher Moore, Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal

“... but to remain historically accurate, I would have had to leave out an important question that I felt needed to be addressed, which is, 'What if Jesus had known kung fu?”
― Christopher Moore, Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal

“Words, words, words, a million million words circle in my head like hawks, waiting to dive onto the page to rend and tear the only two words I want to write.

Why me?”
― Christopher Moore, Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal

“Does the work get easier once you know what you are doing?"
"Your lungs grow thick with stone dust and your eyes bleary from the sun and fragments thrown up by the chisel. You pour your lifeblood out into works of stone for Romans who will take your money in taxes to feed soldiers who will nail your people to crosses for wanting to be free. Your back breaks, your bones creak, your wife screeches at you, and your children torment you with open begging mouths, like greedy baby birds in the nest. You go to bed every night so tired and beaten that you pray to the Lord to send the angel of death to take you in your sleep so you don't have to face another morning. It also has its downside.”
― Christopher Moore, Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal