A Dirty Job Quotes

“Don't be ridiculous, Charlie, people love the parents who beat their kids in department stores. It's the ones who just let their kids wreak havoc that everybody hates.”
― Christopher Moore, A Dirty Job

“Charlie Asher: I accidently shagged a monk last night.
Minty Fresh: Sometimes, in times of crisis, that shit cannot be avoided.”
― Christopher Moore, A Dirty Job

“Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry, you can't have a baby brother, because that would mean that Daddy had sex, and that's never going to happen again.”
― Christopher Moore, A Dirty Job

“Charlie noted that more and more lately, he had a hard time resisting the urge to fuck with people, especially when they insisted upon behaving like idiots.”
― Christopher Moore, A Dirty Job

“The Emperor decided to make a proclamation to his troops about the importance of compassion in the face of the rising tide of heinous fuckery and political weaselocity in the nearby kingdom of the United States.”
― Christopher Moore, A Dirty Job

“The hip-hop guy nodded curtly, like he knew that, and despite appearances to the contrary, he had not been trippin', but had, in fact, been chillin' like a mo-fuckin' villain, so step the fuck off, wigga. He crossed against the light, limping slightly under the weight of the subtext.”
― Christopher Moore, A Dirty Job

“Everyone is happier if they have someone else to look down on, as well as someone to look up to, especially if they resent both.”
― Christopher Moore, A Dirty Job

“Charlie had Sophie strapped to his chest like a terrorist baby bomb when he came down the back steps. She had just gotten to the point where she could hold up her head, so he had strapped her in face-out so she could look around. The way her arms and legs waved around as Charlie walked, she looked as if she was skydiving and using a skinny nerd as a parachute.”
― Christopher Moore, A Dirty Job

“. . . You seem upset, Charlie. Is something wrong?
Charlie: No, no, I’m okay, I just had to take directions from a mute beaver in a fez to get here, it’s unsettling.”
― Christopher Moore, A Dirty Job

“So I am death" Charlie said then turned to his daughter while buttering his toast.

"This is death toast sweety.”
― Christopher Moore, A Dirty Job

“Mr. Fresh looked up. "The book says if we don't do our jobs everything could go dark, become like the Underworld. I don't know what the Underworld is like, Mr. Asher, but I've caught some of the road show from there a couple of times, and I'm not interested in finding out. How 'bout you?"

"Maybe it's Oakland," Charlie said.

"What's Oakland?"

"The Underworld."

"Oakland is not the Underworld!"

"The Tenderloin?" Charlie suggested.”
― Christopher Moore, A Dirty Job

“Only by being prepared for your death can you ever truly live. ”
― Christopher Moore, A Dirty Job

“Like most Beta Males, he didn't realize that being a good guy was not necessarily an attraction to women.”
― Christopher Moore, A Dirty Job

“Charlie Asher: Mrs. Ling, is that duck wearing trousers?
Mrs. Ling: Could be . . . . You hear of paper-wrap chicken? This duck in pants.”
― Christopher Moore, A Dirty Job

“Lonliness evaporated off of them like the steam off dry ice, and by morning it was just a cloud on the ceiling of the room, then gone with the light. ”
― Christopher Moore, A Dirty Job

“. . . And so Charlie Asher . . . led an army of fourteen-inch-tall bundles of animal bits, armed with everything from knitting needles to a spork, into the storm sewers of San Fransciso.”
― Christopher Moore, A Dirty Job

“Most of us don't live our lives with one, integrated self that meets the world, we're a whole bunch of selves. ”
― Christopher Moore, A Dirty Job

“It was watching Madeline Alby eat cheese with every ounce of her being, like it was the first and best time, that made him realize that he had never really tasted cheese, or crackers, or life. And he didn't want his daughter to live that way. He'd moved her into her own room the night before...He hadn't slept well, and had gotten up five times during the night to check on her, only to find her sleeping peacefully, but he could lose a little sleep if Sophie could go through life without his fears and limitations. He wanted her to experience all the glorious cheese of life.”
― Christopher Moore, A Dirty Job

“When Charlie arrived home from his mother's funeral, he was met at the door by two very large very enthusiastic canines, who , undistracted by keeping watch over Sophie's love hostage, were now able to visit the full measure of their affection and joy upon their returning master. It is generally agreed, and in fact stated in the bylaws of the American Kennel Club, that you have not been truly dog-humped until you have been double-dog-humped by a pair of four-hundred-pouund hounds from hell (Section 5, paragraph 7: Standards of Humping and Ass-dragging). And despite having used an extra-strength antiperspirant that very morning before leaving Sedona, Charlie found that getting poked repeatedly in the armpits by two damp devil-dog dicks was leaving him feeling less than fresh.

Sophie, call them off. Call them off."

The puppies are dancing with Daddy," Sophie giggled. "Dance, Daddy!”
― Christopher Moore, A Dirty Job

“She pulled down the blanket and aimed baby Sophie's bottom at him like she might unleash a fusillade of weapons-grade poopage such as the guileless Beta Male had never seen.”
― Christopher Moore, A Dirty Job

“One Monday, just for sport, Charlie grabbed an eggplant that a spectacularly wizened granny was going for, but instead of twisting it out of his hand with some mystic kung fu move as he expected, she looked him in the eye and shook her head - just a jog, barely perceptible really - it might have been a tic, but it was the most eloquent of gestures. Charlie read it as saying: O White Devil, you do not want to purloin that purple fruit, for I have four thousand years of ancestors and civilization on you; my grandparents built the railroads and dug the silver mines, and my parents survived the earthquake, the fire, and a society that outlawed even being Chinese; I am mother to a dozen, grandmother to a hundred, and great-grandmother to a legion; I have birthed babies and washed the dead; I am history and suffering and wisdom; I am a Buddha and a dragon; so get your fucking hand off my eggplant before you lose it.”
― Christopher Moore, A Dirty Job

“Mr. Fresh sat down on the stool behind the counter and stared into the eyes of the cardboard cutout of Cher, hoping to find answers there. But the bitch was holding out.”
― Christopher Moore, A Dirty Job

“In fact, he sorely hoped that it would happen, because otherwise, the world made no sense, there was no justice, and life was just a tangled ball of chaos.”
― Christopher Moore, A Dirty Job

“One of them hissed-not the hiss of a cat, a long, steady tone-more like the hiss of air escaping the rubber raft that is all that lies between you and a dark sea full of sharks, the hiss of your life leaking out at the seams. ”
― Christopher Moore, A Dirty Job

“When it appeared that even the most passive-aggressive attempts would not work, Charlie resorted to the ultimate Beta Male Attack, which was to tolerate Alvin and Mohammed's presence, but to resent the hell out of them and drop snide remarks whenever he had the chance.”
― Christopher Moore, A Dirty Job

“So Now You're Death: Here's What You'll Need”
― Christopher Moore, A Dirty Job

“He wanted her to experience all the glorious cheese of life.”
― Christopher Moore, A Dirty Job

“She have to go pick up prescription, so I watch Sophie for short time. And tiny bears are happy when I go in bathroom."

"Hamsters, Mrs. Korjev, not bears."
....

"I've got her now," Charlie said. "One of you stay with her while I get rid of the H-A-M-S-T-E-R-S."

"He mean the tiny bears.”
― Christopher Moore, A Dirty Job

“Mr. Asher, you can resist who you are for only so long. Finally, you just decide to go with fate.”
― Christopher Moore, A Dirty Job

“Sometimes, a man must muster all of his courage simply to sit still. How much humanity has been spoiled for the confusion of movement with progress, my friend? How much?”
― Christopher Moore, A Dirty Job