$3.33 Quotes

“It’s absolutely unfair for women to say that guys only want one thing: sex. We also want food.”
― Jarod Kintz, $3.33

“When anybody honks at me in traffic, I blush, wave, and shout, “Thanks for being a fan.” Being a celebrity is a 24/7 thing.”
― Jarod Kintz, $3.33

“I am a master of logic and a powerfully convincing debater. In fact, against my better judgment, I can talk myself out of doing anything.”
― Jarod Kintz, $3.33

“The way I wrestle five-year-olds makes me think if I were ever attacked by a pack of midgets, I’d be OK.
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― Jarod Kintz, $3.33

“Patience and wisdom walk hand in hand, like two one-armed lovers.”
― Jarod Kintz, $3.33

“Goodbyes, they often come in waves.”
― Jarod Kintz, $3.33

“A stationary bike is a device that epitomizes the phrase “hurry up and wait.”
― Jarod Kintz, $3.33

“The only reason my wife agreed to marry me is because Christian Bale wasn’t around to propose to her.”
― Jarod Kintz, $3.33

“I’m very close to my dad. He’s about six inches away right now and snoring in my ears.”
― Jarod Kintz, $3.33

“I haven’t been feeling like myself lately. No, I’ve been feeling like my clone.”
― Jarod Kintz, $3.33

“On the night of the murder I was at home, asleep. The characters in my dream can vouch for me.”
― Jarod Kintz, $3.33

“I like to vote, but not be voted on. I don’t mind losing one on one, but to lose through a vote means the majority think I’m a loser.”
― Jarod Kintz, $3.33

“I feel like I could be the best, but I’m not going to openly admit that. At least not to any of my clones.”
― Jarod Kintz, $3.33

“She asked if I wanted to spoon with her, and I told her I didn’t want to stir things up.”
― Jarod Kintz, $3.33

“I smiled, and you winked. I think. Perhaps you merely blink with one eye at a time.”
― Jarod Kintz, $3.33

“I called an insurance company to get a quote. They gave me one of Oscar Wilde’s best.”
― Jarod Kintz, $3.33

“Any lustful fool can love a million women, but only a real man can love one woman cloned a million times.”
― Jarod Kintz, $3.33

“If sharks really can smell blood, then I’d imagine they’re all salivating over my erection right now.”
― Jarod Kintz, $3.33

“I lost a little weight over the weekend. I cut my fingernails.”
― Jarod Kintz, $3.33

“I just recently figured out how mirrors work. Pretty cool. That guy always hungrily staring at my naked body was me!”
― Jarod Kintz, $3.33

“I want to own a wind farm. Don’t breathe, or you’ll undermine the price of my crop.”
― Jarod Kintz, $3.33

“I’m such an alcoholic that I go to church just for communion.”
― Jarod Kintz, $3.33

“On your birthday you should throw me a party. This is my advice for everybody, especially my clones.”
― Jarod Kintz, $3.33

“I was going to change my clothes, but I changed my mind instead.”
― Jarod Kintz, $3.33

“You’re disoriented. You just woke up. You’re in the future. You’ve been asleep for eight hours.”
― Jarod Kintz, $3.33

“I got a new car. I just need to put it together. They’re easier to steal piece by piece.”
― Jarod Kintz, $3.33

“If you tell me I look like someone you know, I might get panicked and think you’re on to me. I thought nobody saw me abduct that guy and steal his identity.”
― Jarod Kintz, $3.33

“It’s a dog-eat-dog world, and I’m just a kitten.”
― Jarod Kintz, $3.33

“If you work in a hospital, you can’t easily fake call in sick to work. Oh, you’re sick? Well why don’t you come in to work and we’ll have a look at it.”
― Jarod Kintz, $3.33

“You’re used to being the smartest guy in the room. Solitary confinement will do that.”
― Jarod Kintz, $3.33