American Association for the Advancement of Aardvarks Presents Quotes

“Yesterday I saved a baby, a boy, a man, and an old man from death, and all by simply not impregnating anybody. But I don't consider myself a hero. Merely heroic, and also unable to reach any of my lady friends on the phone.”
― Jarod Kintz, American Association for the Advancement of Aardvarks Presents: Dear Natalie

“The best birthday present I ever got from my grandpa was a skinny black tie. It didn’t come in a bag, a box, or even rolled up in tissue paper. It came wrapped in wisdom. As soon as he gave it to me he said, “A tie would make a stronger impression on your boss if you used it as a blindfold and kidnapped him. That‘s why I bought you a black one.”
― Jarod Kintz, American Association for the Advancement of Aardvarks Presents: Dear Natalie

“You could duct tape my mouth shut, and I'd still talk too much. I talk with my hands, so you have to listen hard to hear me. You'll hear my flattering words when you see me clap. Hello and goodbye are the same word, in the language of the hand. When I talk with my hands, I might be agreeable and say "Ok." Or I might be calling you an asshole. But let's face it, I am agreeable, and you are an asshole.”
― Jarod Kintz, American Association for the Advancement of Aardvarks Presents: Dear Natalie

“With faith the size of a mustard seed, you can indeed move a mountain, but you can hardly be expected to garnish your sandwich.”
― Jarod Kintz, American Association for the Advancement of Aardvarks Presents: Dear Natalie

“Today is your special day, even if today might be tomorrow to an Australian. And even though you’re not Australian, it doesn’t negate the fact that today may or may not be tomorrow.”
― Jarod Kintz, American Association for the Advancement of Aardvarks Presents: Dear Natalie

“And as Voltaire, one of our nation’s Founding Fathers, once said, “I do not agree with what you have to say, but at your death I’ll defend what you rightfully should have said.”
― Jarod Kintz, American Association for the Advancement of Aardvarks Presents: Dear Natalie

“If you want to know my story, you have to go back to the beginning. Not the beginning-beginning, but about nine months later. You see, I was born as a poor farm boy. Believe it or not, my parents were so poor that they didn’t even own a farm. Nope. Instead, they had to live in a small apartment in the city.”
― Jarod Kintz, American Association for the Advancement of Aardvarks Presents: Dear Natalie

“If we spoke with our ears, and listened through our mouth, then a kiss might be the most romantic sound in the world.”
― Jarod Kintz, American Association for the Advancement of Aardvarks Presents: Dear Natalie

“Remember when we made love in the rain? You asked me to bring protection, and I brought a windshield wiper. That was my first time. I had never driven in the rain before that. I didn’t even own a car. I was saving up money and buying car parts one at a time until I had the whole thing. I didn’t even have a windshield yet, just the wiper. That was the first thing I bought. I was so proud of myself. Rain or shine, I carried that wiper with me everywhere I went. Though it works in a car, it doesn’t really work as well as an umbrella when you’re swinging it above your head in a sudden downpour.”
― Jarod Kintz, American Association for the Advancement of Aardvarks Presents: Dear Natalie

“Thinking about the haves and the have nots, I’m reminded of something Jefferson said. He was sitting at the dining room table in the White House when he picked up his fork, leaned forward in his chair, bunched up his eyebrows in surprise, and said, “I haven’t eaten all day.” You see, Jefferson truly reflected early America at that time. He was hungry, and I think you’ll find that most successful people are.”
― Jarod Kintz, American Association for the Advancement of Aardvarks Presents: Dear Natalie

“Who was it that said, “Men are but wheat, and the government is the bread”? Ah yes, that was my grandfather, who shouted that shortly before hurling a loaf of bread at President Hoover during the great depression.”
― Jarod Kintz, American Association for the Advancement of Aardvarks Presents: Dear Natalie

“A few years ago, when I was hitchhiking through Laramie, Wyoming, I met an old and infertile man named John. I told him, “I think I’d have made a good son, John. But I’d have made an even better Johnson.” He nodded as he took a long drag from his cigarette before he said, “I think I would have made a good Robert Derrick. But I'd have made an even better Derrick Robert.” I was silent for a few minutes, because I knew all too well what he meant. I’ve often felt I’d have made a great Bruce Robert, and an even better Robert the Bruce than Robert the Bruce ever was. Because, as many people have told me, “You can take all the Bruces in the world, including Mr. Willis, and you’d be the only one who could simply be called ‘The Bruce.’” But you couldn’t call me “The Boss,” because that title belongs to another Bruce.”
― Jarod Kintz, American Association for the Advancement of Aardvarks Presents: Dear Natalie

“I wanted to go into a bathroom stall to stall for time, but the bathroom was occupied by Germany in 1941, Russia in 1973, and now a gathering of Grandfather clocks.”
― Jarod Kintz, American Association for the Advancement of Aardvarks Presents: Dear Natalie

“The 27th letter has always been my favorite letter of the alphabet. But, then, I also love ghost stories, invisible beings, the supernatural, and Bigfoot. Just ask The Mythical Mr. Boo, who’s first name begins with the 27th letter.”
― Jarod Kintz, American Association for the Advancement of Aardvarks Presents: Dear Natalie

“When Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow meet, only Today gets to shake hands twice. That makes Today twice as important as the other two. But it also means that Today must be careful, because who knows whether Yesterday or Tomorrow washed their hands after going to the bathroom.”
― Jarod Kintz, American Association for the Advancement of Aardvarks Presents: Dear Natalie

“I believe it’s always better to share the thing itself than the reason for sharing. Unless that thing happens to be something abstract, like a reason. Like my grandpa once muttered, “I don’t need a reason to have a reason.” Actually, I have no idea what he said since he was muttering.”
― Jarod Kintz, American Association for the Advancement of Aardvarks Presents: Dear Natalie

“Have you ever wanted to be somebody else? Today I fantasized about being my own identical monozygotic twin. How cool would that be? I could both be me, and yet be someone completely different.”
― Jarod Kintz, American Association for the Advancement of Aardvarks Presents: Dear Natalie

“I once inscribed the word "Ennui" backwards on my forehead, and I was so bored that I stared at it in the mirror for hours. And at the end of that time, I felt like Sheryl Crow, and I looked like Aleister Crowley.”
― Jarod Kintz, American Association for the Advancement of Aardvarks Presents: Dear Natalie

“I’ve been using the same razor since Occam (William of Ockham) shaved off his beard of excessive assumption. My morning routine is always the same. I wake up, brush my teeth, shower, shave, then I put on my goat costume and go flirt with the shepherd girl who lives in the mountains not far from my cave.”
― Jarod Kintz, American Association for the Advancement of Aardvarks Presents: Dear Natalie

“Jarod Kintz likes writing about himself in the third person, because he really relates to the third person. The odd man out. If two is company, then the first person and the second person are just fine together. But why is the third person always hanging around? Jarod often feels like that outsider, the person on the smallest pedestal, the bronze medalist of personal pronouns. If the third person makes you feel like she-it, then maybe you can relate to some of Jarod’s work.”
― Jarod Kintz, American Association for the Advancement of Aardvarks Presents: Dear Natalie