It Occurred to Me Quotes

“If loving someone is putting them in a straitjacket and kicking them down a flight of stairs, then yes, I have loved a few people.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

“I consider conversations with people to be mind exercises, but I don't want to pull a muscle, so I stretch a lot. That's why I'm constantly either rolling my eyes or yawning.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

“The mouth is made for communication, and nothing is more articulate than a kiss.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

“When a girl says she wants to be friends with benefits, I always ask if that includes dental insurance.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

“I like my relationships like I like my eggs. Over easy.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

“My two favorite colors of the rainbow are gold and leprechaun.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

“I used to date the lead singer of The Cranberries, but she cheated on me. Turns out she had some turkey on the side.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

“I often fantasize about torturing some of the lazier letters of the alphabet, like C, U, and E, because together they only manage to accomplish as much as the solitary letter Q.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

“If our destiny stems from our name, then I weep for the flower named Wilt.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

“My advice for a person who's just fallen out of a skyscraper window is, Flap your arms...faster.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

“I wouldn't say I'm superficial, just averagely ficial.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

“I could tell by their audible gasps that the people on the beach were jealous of me when I found five shark's teeth. Locating them wasn't really the problem, but pulling them out of my leg was.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

“I always appear smarter when I dress up in my giant nipple costume. I know this because I'll overhear people say things like, "At least he's not a complete boob.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

“With all the money my uncle embezzled over the years, it's no surprise he lives in a gated community. But what is amazing, however, is that he somehow managed to get his own cell.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

“When I was a little boy, I used to work in a sweatshop. We made deodorant.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

“This morning my girlfriend was so loud in bed that we woke up the neighbors. So I told them to roll over and go back to sleep.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

“To me, the perfect date consists of dinner, dancing, and sex with a girl who has no stomach or legs, but does have an overactive sex drive.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

“If flowers were boogers, I'd pick a few big ones and flick them on your grave.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

“I once got attacked by a bearskin rug, two days before it was a rug.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

“A banker is a man who will lend you the short sleeve shirt off his back and demand a long sleeve one in return.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

“I saw this beautiful girl the other day. She had an ass behind her that seemed to go on for days. In fact, I’m still going on about her.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

“I will never buy a fish tank, because I don't believe in supporting the funding of aquatic war machines.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

“I love having a ceiling fan, although sometimes I wish he wouldn't cheer so loud when I'm trying to sleep.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

“If I were an armadillo, and a stranger came up and said I looked familiar, and they wanted to know why I looked so familiar, I'd respond in a raspy voice, "Your brother ran over my brother.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

“If I promise you I'll show up fifteen minutes late, I'll always arrive on time.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

“I think it would be neat to meet a man who slept with one eye open, especially if that man was a Cyclops.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

“They say you fear what you don't understand. Maybe that's why every time I'm in South Florida, and I hear someone talking in Spanish, I always shit my pants.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

“I don't like customer service, because I don't believe the customer should have to pay and help out too.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

“Yesterday I memorized Shakespeare, and tomorrow I'm also going to memorize his first name.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

“Just to show my dad that I think he's number one, I bought him a urinal cake for his birthday.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me