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May 30
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Piezocuttlefish
is currently reading:
Ceremony (Paperback)
by Leslie Marmon Silko
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Piezocuttlefish
is currently reading:
Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic (Hardcover)
by Esther Perel
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May 27
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Piezocuttlefish
gave
to:
Mistakes Were Made (But Not by Me): Why We Justify Foolish Beliefs, Bad Decisions, and Hurtful Acts
by Carol Tavris, Elliot Aronson
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recommended for: Anyone who's made a mistake
read in May, 2008
Piezocuttlefish said:
" Mistakes Were Made is a tour through the different ways in which cognitive dissonance motivates otherwise normal, good people to do wretched things. Making such stops as the tragedies of re...more
Mistakes Were Made is a tour through the different ways in which cognitive dissonance motivates otherwise normal, good people to do wretched things. Making such stops as the tragedies of recovering so-called repressed memories, the unfortunate bias of the parts of the legal system which are immune to criticism, and growing disparities of perception between perpetrators and victims, Mistakes Were Made also highlights many other scientific and psychological tidbits. Carol Tavris and Elliot Aronson weave a slowly accelerating narrative of the power of cognitive dissonance in our lives, one that grows ever closer to home. At the end of each chapter and at the end of the text, the authors provide examples of people who chose the better path. As for an explanation of how to do so, it is lacking, but in my own reading I oft thought about my own dissonances and my own mistakes. Mistakes Were Made highlights the biases we have toward creation delusional or unproductive stories to guide our lives. It is up to us to create the more accurate stories.
"When a friend makes a mistake, the friend remains a friend, and the mistake remains a mistake." — Israeli Prime Minister Shimon Peres...less
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May 23
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Piezocuttlefish
gave
to:
The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities (Paperback)
by Dossie Easton, Catherine A. Liszt
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my rating:
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recommended for: those who think liking sex isn't an awul thing
read in April, 2008
Piezocuttlefish said:
" The Ethical Slut is often touted as the polyamory Bible, but I think that text remains to be written. This book is broken into four sections, each quite different from the others. The first ...more
The Ethical Slut is often touted as the polyamory Bible, but I think that text remains to be written. This book is broken into four sections, each quite different from the others. The first two sections are the strongest, whereas the last two are somewhat less explored, and seem, like the final chapters of a science textbook, to be there only for completeness' sake.
The first section is a self-help style introduction to the world of polyamory. The Ethical Slut casts a wide net in hauling in its bestiary of sluts, making sure that most everyone who didn't pick up the book mistakenly can be found somewhere in the book. The bestiary also serves to broaden horizons— Dossie Easton and Catherine Liszt draw their stories from decades of living in the San Francisco area, and so have no shortage of subculture experiences. With luck, the effect is that the reader feels that ni has a home amongst all the different types of sluts, but it may also serve to alienate those who really do feel mainstream and want to explore something a little different.
The second section is the strongest of the sections. It deals with how to conduct oneself when in a polyamorous relationship. Though it contains a fair amount of naysaying about monamory, 90% of the advice it gives can be applied to both monamorous and polyamorous relationships. It hits on many topics, and thus may be a too-quick tour (for some) through what I believe are some truly solid ideas about conducting relationships. One can see Buddhist and existentialist tones in the ideas, tones eminently germane to dealing with one's emotions. It also takes a firm stand for personal responsibility for one's own fulfilment in a relationship, inviting the reader to question the agreements on which their relationship is based.
The third section covers presenting oneself as polyamorous to the rest of the world.
The fourth section, well, I've completely forgotten, which is why I'll edit this later....less
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May 20
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Piezocuttlefish
gave
to:
Going After Cacciato (Paperback)
by Tim O'Brien
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read in May, 2008
Piezocuttlefish said:
" Tim O'Brien's Going After Cacciato is the second book I've read by him, the first being The Things They Carried. Whil...more
Tim O'Brien's Going After Cacciato is the second book I've read by him, the first being The Things They Carried. While both books talk about the Vietnam War, the essential difference between the two is that Going After Cacciato is a novel, whereas The Things They Carried is a series of short stories whose themes tie together. The novel format allows an author to develop characters in detail, allowing the reader to develop a stronger bond with them as compared to the short story format. However, the messages conveyed by both works obviate serious character bonding. Also, Going After Cacciato was written twelve years before The Things They Carried, twelve years in which Tim O'Brien has had time to improve his craft. In short, The Things They Carried was the book Tim O'Brien meant to write when he wrote Going After Cacciato.
If you don't buy that, then Going After Cacciato is a book with an implied author who is struggling to integrated the "lessons" of being in the Vietnam war with the rest of life. Ni is muddy and confused about what role the War can still play in nes life. Going After Cacciato paints a softer and more naïve picture of the War itself, something more difficult to digest....less
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May 19
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Piezocuttlefish
gave
to:
Quirkyalone: A Manifesto for Uncompromising Romantics (Hardcover)
by Sasha Cagen
bookshelves:
owned
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recommended for: anyone who's just dumped someone
read in November, 2007
Piezocuttlefish said:
"When I picked up this book, I was filled with vitriol at its contents; that it didn't get one star is fairly astounding.
It does quite a good job at being a self-help book. It gets one to feel good about being a part of the QA group, lists all so...more
When I picked up this book, I was filled with vitriol at its contents; that it didn't get one star is fairly astounding.
It does quite a good job at being a self-help book. It gets one to feel good about being a part of the QA group, lists all sorts of wonderful qualities of QAs, admits that you can even be a member even after you've lost your aloneness, spending a fair amount of time highlighting how QA relationships work, and introduces many famous and unknown QAs. "You're in awesome company!", the book says.
Hell, I even wondered if I was really a QA in disguise. I mean, I do all these supposed QA things: question traditional relationship structure, have friendships that are in some ways more fulfilling and intimate than dating relationships, fall into romantic obsessions, and celebrate that some of the people in whom I'm sexually/romantically interested do not live in the same city.
The bulk of the book, however, has nothing to do with things that are intrinsically QA, and that is its beauty. It's affirming in a way that says "You can be one us awesome QAs no matter what you decide to do next.". Once it grabs on to an individual who seems like he'll identify as a QA, it tells him how wonderful he is.
Why I don't go so far as to actually like the book is because I don't ultimately buy into the very essence of QAness actually being healthy. Oh, sure, they are oodles of healthy things QAs do and healthy attitudes that QAs have. At bottom, though, one is not a QA unless he "prefers to be alone". The QA "[has] no patience for dating for the sake of not being alone. [He wants] a miracle." Holding out until that miracle falls into one's lap has a consequence: he loses (or perhaps never gains) the ability to build intimacy. QAs do not contribute to a community of romantic intimacy; they take the fruits of it (especially if monamorous!).
"We wear a protective armor in public", says Cagen to a confused QA. To an extent, we all do this, but Cagen highlights that the QA does this more than most. The QA wears the armour around, sometimes everywhere, needing that armour to protect himself from people. If a QA doffs his armour, he does so around a Platonic friend rather than around the mate. It reminds one of someone scarred by or too scared by the depths of romantic intimacy. The QA carries around that armour because his skin isn't tough enough to handle the abrasions that come with intimacy. The QA withdraws to lick his wounds alone because he hasn't found a way to let others close enough to do that for him.
Even though swayed by how wonderful being a QA sounds, I realised that, still, QAs were people whom I at bottom reject. I prefer the wonders of the polyfidelic community, the people who are defiantly themselves while finding that just one person isn't enough for all the intimacy they have. Some QAs are certainly members of the polyamorous community, but polyfidelity is the bane of QAness. The polyfidelic people I've known don't carry around thick shells because they're adjusted to intimacy, to forming strong connections with people.
QA, then, is a helpful book if it falls into the right hands, but it isn't the best book, or perhaps even a good book, for it doesn't encourage loners to rise to the challenge of building connections between humans. It seems like the essence of QAdom is that, because QAs "[accept the] fact that we all must live and die fundamentally alone", they're better off not even trying to see just how close humans can get. QAdom is markedly better than the status quo, but it's not the only alternative, nor is it the best. In the end, I'm dissatisfied with QAness like I am with Libertarianism: moving people in this direction would be wonderful, but taking it to the ideological conclusion would produce a terrible situation....less
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Texas Readers
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