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Dr. John Gottman’s research on successful marriages at his laboratory at the University of Washington blazed new trials in the realm of psychology. With the publication of his seminal work The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Gottman litera...moreDr. John Gottman’s research on successful marriages at his laboratory at the University of Washington blazed new trials in the realm of psychology. With the publication of his seminal work The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Gottman literally wrote the book on how to save failing marriages. Every relationship book written since that pivotal text has been heavily influenced by Gottman’s research.
It has been my experience that authors who discover successful psychological techniques tend to spin out a succession of books which are essentially clones of their original work. However, Gottman continues to blaze new trails in his research, and in each new text he offers his latest findings for our enrichment.
In The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family and Friendships, Gottman offers a simple plan for improving our communication skills in our various relationships. Though simple in theory, each step could take a lifetime to master.
The five steps include:
-Recognizing and responding appropriately to Bids for Connection -Recognizing human Command Systems and how they influence behavior -Looking into your past for the origins of your behaviors -Correctly identifying emotions in others -Finding a shared meaning in life
In the first step, Gottman introduces the concept of “Bids for Connection.” The author admits that these petty, minor bids for attention seemed unimportant to him early in his research. However, he found, over time, that a major key to recognizing a healthy relationship was to be found in the manner in which couples offered and responded to these bids. Gottman explains how to recognize these bids in both self and others, whether they are offered in a negative or a positive fashion, and provides the reader with insight into how to respond appropriately. To my mind, this insight alone was worth the price of the book.
The second step seemed equally astounding to me. Gottman identifies the systems within our physiology, and explains how these have a profound impact on human psychology. A healthy human being responds to each of these human needs without letting it take over their life. However, individual life experience can make a person favor a particular Command System, and become exaggerated in their dependence upon it. Our own unique blend of responses to our Command Systems will determine major aspects of our personality. Recognizing these needs in others can help us to relate with their needs better, and so improve our relationship with even the most extremely distorted personality.
The third step seemed to me, at first, to be a rehashing of a classic psychological concept, since Freud, over a century ago, introduced the idea that our past relationship with our parents influences our present behavior. However, Gottman gives even this familiar ground a unique spin. He has classified the way that parents create a culture in a family which influences how the expression of emotions is treated. His brief sketches of these different cultures create recognizable pictures. We have all encountered these responses in our dealings with our fellow human beings. Gottman then goes further to share his research findings that indicate that one of these cultural responses to emotion produces a healthier more successful child. The author then offers basic guidelines to achieve this healthier culture in your own family.
The fourth step involves learning about emotional expressions, how to recognize them in their various manifestations. This section is full of exercises to improve your skills in this area. Gottman offers his own life experiences as illustrations of key principles, as well as the findings of various psychologists, so that the reader obtains a broad scope of understanding about how emotions are communicated.
The fifth step covers familiar ground for those who have read Gottman’s Seven Principles. Uncovering the dreams and ideals that guide us, and learning to share these, will help deepen any relationship. In addition, the establishment of relationship rituals and traditions helps to ground these dreams in our daily lives. The author again offers exercises that will bring out our latent dreams, and help us to identify other people’s dreams as well. He also offers scenarios that reveal how hidden ideals are often expressed through conflicts. Getting to the basis of these conflicts can help us to move beyond them to more meaningful interactions.
If there is a weakness in this book, it is that the author covers an enormous amount of ground in just a few hundred pages. Each section could easily have been expanded into an entire book. A less knowledgeable writer probably would have done so, but Gottman has a lot of insight to unfold and he doesn’t waste words explaining the key communication techniques. I highly recommended this book to anyone seeking to improve their relationships. And, frankly, who isn’t?(less)
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From Dawn to Decadence: 500 Years of Western Cultural Life 1500 to the Present
by
Jacques Barzun
recommended to Paula by:
Amazon.com
recommended for:
Those interested in the History of Ideas
read in August, 2011
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Not the kind of book that you can't put down. I use this as my exercycle reading. That way I digest a little each day. This is not only a book about history, but a book about ideas. Barzun traces the intellectual history of Western Civilization since...moreNot the kind of book that you can't put down. I use this as my exercycle reading. That way I digest a little each day. This is not only a book about history, but a book about ideas. Barzun traces the intellectual history of Western Civilization since its "Dawn" with the birth of the printing press and consequent proliferation of ideas. I never pick it up without feeling that I've found insight into why things have played out the way they have, or at least confirmation of something I've suspected. Only occasionally do I disagree with the author's take on things. He is indisputably extremely well-read, and at times brilliant.(less)
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There were two chapters that held me enthralled. One was about the reasons behind the New Deal, which helped me to finally understand the causes of the Great Depression, the major elements of the New Deal, and what Roosevelt hoped to accomplish by it...moreThere were two chapters that held me enthralled. One was about the reasons behind the New Deal, which helped me to finally understand the causes of the Great Depression, the major elements of the New Deal, and what Roosevelt hoped to accomplish by it. To my mind that was reason enough to buy the book. The second interesting chapter was the one that covered the attack on Pearl Harbor and America's entry into the war.
Since these subjects were intrensically interesting, I can't particulary credit the author's writing style for my enjoyment of these chapters. Though, I actually believe that the chapters that delved into facts were better written than the chapters that dealt with personality.
The opening chapters that describe the family history were very dry, in spite of the fact that I am a great enthusiast in the hobby of genealogy. The chapters on his courtship and marriage were equally dull. Even the chapters on Roosevelt's illness, and his having to face the tragedy of being crippled were extremely boring. Another author could certainly have made more of this material. Since the time and the events are worth the study, I would still recommend the book to a stalwart reader. However, reader be warned. This will not be a pleasure.(less)
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After reading the biography of Harry Truman, I became interested in reading about Oppenheimer. Truman maintained a positive attitude about the creation and deployment of the atom bomb throughout his later years. I wanted to balance this with a portra...moreAfter reading the biography of Harry Truman, I became interested in reading about Oppenheimer. Truman maintained a positive attitude about the creation and deployment of the atom bomb throughout his later years. I wanted to balance this with a portrait of one who learned to regret what had been done. Oppenheimer has intrigued me for many years, as a man who let the lure of scientific discover blind him to the consequences involved in this technological experiment. Oppenheimer did very little with his life beyond the Manhatten Project. His genius served to inspire other's genius, and he played a critical role in keeping the project on track. But to me the most facinating part of his life came after the war. He headed every committee and commission created to control the bomb once it was created. His greatest legacy for us may be that he was primarily responsible for keeping the bomb out of military hands, and under civilian control (scientific and political) so that it was never used again. Had it been under military control, MacArthur would have used it in the Korean war (and was angry that he couldn't!). We would have gone straight into World War III as a consequence. Thank Heavens for those brilliant scientists who had the foresight to control this monstrous invention.(less)
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I occasionally enjoy reading historical fiction, particularly if I feel that it might teach me something about the period involved. This book lived up to that hope. I had read Doyle's Sherlock Holmes series, and enjoyed those, so I expected that this...moreI occasionally enjoy reading historical fiction, particularly if I feel that it might teach me something about the period involved. This book lived up to that hope. I had read Doyle's Sherlock Holmes series, and enjoyed those, so I expected that this would be well written as well. The only disappointment is that I was hoping it covered a broader range, giving more information about the Huegenots' struggles. The story only involves one Huegenot, and he leaves as soon as the trouble begins, so there is very little about the persecutions they suffered. However, I believe it is worthwhile. It not only gives a sketch of life in the royal courts, but also a glimpse of what America was like at the time as well.(less)
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This is one of those books that I've been reading in order to learn more about my ancestor's lives. This is facinating reading. I've enjoyed every moment, and feel as if I've learned a great deal already. I got about a third of the way through, and w...moreThis is one of those books that I've been reading in order to learn more about my ancestor's lives. This is facinating reading. I've enjoyed every moment, and feel as if I've learned a great deal already. I got about a third of the way through, and would love to continue. Unfortunately, other books have a higher priority right now. So, I'll have to get back to this one later. I look forward to it.(less)
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Engaging and intriguing literature. It will make you think, while keeping you turning pages to uncover the mystery. It is Chesterton at his best, need I say more? If you enjoy his Father Brown stories, you'll love this novel.
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