Yulia's review of The Story of Edgar Sawtelle has this fabulous comment: Wroblewski inspired Frank to think up this beautiful garbage: "the pink honesty of the moon's whisper." Think about it: it's meaningless.

Yulia, apologies for taking from your review without permission.

What other meaningless metaphors and similies can Constant Readers make up? They should at least strive to sound profound or poetic. What other mindless metaphors and similies have you come across?

I'll start with one made up: "The soapy sunlight smeared his vision, and his eyes teared with pain."

Hmm, how about this: the opalescent snow star swayed in a dizzy spin and caught its breath before vanishing. A winter melodrama.

The wind's lashing forced a shiver from the egg's pale flesh . . . Have I just written meteorological egg porn?

How about this from the short story "Night Women" by Edwidge Danticat?

My fingers coil themselves into visions of birds on his nose.

That line is really bugging you, isn't it, Steve.

Maybe at the next convention someone who knows how to make shadow puppets can form birds across Steve's face in a properly lit room to convince him it is possible. But of course one would have to have a very large, flattened nose for the bird to appear clearly. I'm not sure his would do.

Steverino, weren't you complaining about a metaphoric seahorse during the English Patient discussion eons ago?

Ooh, I can't stand Ondaatje's writing! Neither The English Patient nor Divisadero. He truly is criminally textured with cultural heritage.

It does bug me a little, Barb, but I'm sure the shortcoming is mine and not the author's. I'll give it more thought. Heh. Heh.

Ah yes, Ruthie. The seahorse metaphor in the The English Patient. Tony Presley made me a gift of a little Waterford Crystal seahorse after that discussion, and I still have it.

But the truth is, Yulia, that I kinda like The English Patient. I must say, it never occurred to me that Mr. Ondaatje is criminally textured with cultural heritage. I'll have to give that some thought, too.

No, that's just a line I invented when Frank was in a writing class and had to come up with something nice to say about another classmate's colorful work. I said, well, it's textured with cultural heritage. And he wrote it verbatim. I can think of offenders who've received great acclaim: The Inheritance of Loss by Kiran Desai, for instance. I just couldn't remember what irked me about Ondaatje, though I know I'd remember immediately if I had his work on hand.

Ah yes, now I remember my original quote. I said it was "richly textured with cultural heritage." How's that for meaningless? It sounds like a dermatological condition.

Don't get me wrong, Yulia. I loooooove that line. And I'm stealing it.

Let's come up with some other meaningless metaphors and similes. I like the topic.

When I was little & wriggled around too much & couldn't sit still, someone would always say "You've got ants in your pants?" (in those days, little girls wore dresses - & underwear) it was said to little boys also. I haven't heard that in years, but it does describe a restless small child.

I appreciated this meaningless message Frank wrote to his nephew a few nights ago on Facebook:

"What are words but mere letters smashed together, indentured servants living 5 or 6 to a bed, relieving themselves in buckets, making and partaking of their uni-stench, succumbing to flesh and foul. Oh the inhumanity. Lord, here's our prayer.

"I have no idea what that means, but a change of medication may be in order."

Matt Taibbi slices and dices Tom Friedman's The World Is Flat A Brief History of the Twenty-First Century. A fine filleting iffen ya ast me.

Meaningless similes:

January is a business tycoon in coat tails and a top hat. A robber baron. He blows into an office of sticks and throws his cane and demands satisfaction.

Feeling threatened when your friend is banished by someone close to you is like an empty parking space waiting for a large truck to roll over it.

Thinking of the free clinic is like imagining a curtain that holds the light in a room at night.

Putting your faith in the promise of an afterlife is like buying a whole cow. You know you will be able to freeze most of it and enjoy it later, but in the meantime, the other person who wanted to eat a cow can't get to it because it's locked in the freezer in your garage.

LOL!! Andy, , for some reason I missed your post on this earlier. Fantastically funny!

And with apologies to all who liked Call Me By Your Name:

Or are "being" and "having" thoroughly inaccurate verbs in the twisted skein of desire, where having someone's body to touch and being that someone we're longing to touch are one and the same, just opposite banks on a river that paases from us to them, back to us and over to them again in this perpetual circuit where the chambers of the heart, like the trapdoors of desire, and the wormholes of time, and the false-bottomed drawer we call identity share a beguiling logic according to whcih the shortest distance between real life and the life unlived, between who we are and what we want, is a twisted staircase designed with the impish cruelty of M.C. Escher.

I don't think I've ever seen so many metaphors and similies piled one atop the other. Frankly, he lost me at hello.

From “Nocturnes from the King of Naples” by Edmund White, page 2:

“A cigarette rhymes its glow with my own across the huge expanse that has shattered its crystal lining to the ground.”

Page 2 was as far as I got, and I have actually put this book on the recycle bin long ago. I thought its paper could be better used as a cardboard box.

And I refuse to apologize to anyone that did like it!

From Annie Proulx, In the Pit:

"She looked at him as if he were a fortune-teller who had already pocketed the fee."

Huh?

From Leonard Cohen, Beautiful Losers:

"I felt like some Maidenform dream in an airport for Kamikaze pilots saying farewell."

Not really surprising that LC would come up with a few bizarre similes, I'm trying to decide if this one makes more sense based on the fact that Kamikaze comes up a few pages later:

"I hoard you like the stuff of my chronic disease, I sentence you to National Anthem hard labor, I deny you martydom in tomorrow's Hit Parade, I turn you into boomerangs, my little Kamikazes, you long to be the Lost Tribes but I burn arm numbers, I pour miracle drugs in the Death House, from bridges I hang suicide nets."

I've been skipping around this "novel", but I think even with more context, many of these passages barely cling to the slippery edges of sense--Cohen treats the story like a rock climber falling from his tenuous hand holds, only to be caught by his ropes, unharmed; he saves the story just before it shatters to the earth, only to begin climbing again.

ha ha

Capitu, I agree, sometimes I don't have the heart to donate a book. It seems best to be recycled. From that White quote, I don't believe you have any reason to apologize.

Whitaker, I was also struck by all the over-writing in Call Me By Your Name and was puzzled by the rave reviews. I got so fed up with all the pages of meaningless metaphor-masturbation, I skipped about 50 pages to get to where something almost, just about happened.

Andy, love the cow, but is your freezer really that big? Or was it a small cow?

As for the Proulx simile, I'm sure I've seen that same line elsewhere, from a different writer. It must be a very popular image . . . or an expression writers assume readers will immediately get.

I'm from Wisconsin. It is a land of big freezers.

People will buy whole cows (they usually have them butchered, so the cow arrives in neatly wrapped and labeled packages, which saves you a little space, you're not having to store the unedible parts, that's all sold for gelatin and live-stock feed, presumably.) People might also split a cow between family and friends, kind of like a food co-op. I have never purchased cow this way, but I've eaten cow that has been procured this way. My brother's father-in-law has a hobby farm with a few shaggy cows, they'll send one to the butcher shop every once in a while and then split the meat up. They all have families and large freezers, so it makes sense (if you're a meat eater, which they all are.)

Andy, "I felt like some Maidenform dream in an airport for Kamikaze pilots saying farewell."?? ROTFL!

Yulia, oh thank god! I kept wondering if I was missing something, if somehow my good taste meter was off. So nice to hear someone else say what I was thinking (although I note--accusatory glare--that you gave it four stars). :-D

Yulia, oh thank god! I kept wondering if I was missing something, if somehow my good taste ..."

I did? <blush> I admit, the end made me wistful, now that I think back on it. I succumbed to the sap. I'll fix my rating, though. A point off for frustrating me with its verbiage and for all the time just waiting for something to happen. Actually, that sounds like a two-star book to me now. . . .

Ugh. Somebody recently pointed out to me that I gave five stars to The Da Vinci Code. I think I had my reasons at the time...

I have since stopped rating books on the star system altogether. Rating books with stars is like judging your friends on a scale of one to ten in an olympiad of niceness, humor, and supportiveness; that's a series of games I don't want Chris Collinsworth commentating upon.

Haha Andy! Although technically I don't want Chris Collinsworth commenting on anything - I used to like what he had to say but now he's rather full of himself and everywhere. I give him 1 star ;0)

He and Costas would zing each other every once in a while, we always appreciated that...

Arrgghh! Costas. Do you think they put him in a booster seat when he sat next to Collinsworth on Inside the NFL? I used to like Bob - I really did - and then his head got even bigger than Al Michaels' - we need some better sportscasters - new blood. Though if you want to get back to the topic of this thread - Joe Morgan, Joe Buck or Tim McCarver - especially Tim McCarver - could provide an ongoing loop of meaningless metaphors and similis I'm sure.

Oh, I love Tim McCarver.

Barbara wrote: "Oh, I love Tim McCarver."

Oh dear. I think his peak years are behind him. When he tried to say that a walk was as good as a home run he lost me forever.

One more off the topic.

Chris Berman meltdown (contains many curse words, not safe for work).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3TLG_LtWh...

I could watch meltdowns on youtube for hours.
There's a good one of O'Reilly, too.

Molly, I think my husband may agree with you, but I always understand something new when I listen to McCarver. John Madden used to do that for me with football but now, not so much.

I thought this lyric was "Small as a wishing well", which would have been a meaningless metaphor to me. But then it turns out the lyric is "Small as a wish in a well" which works better. Anyway, I kind of like these lyrics, from the band Iron and Wine:

Papa died smiling
Wide as the ring of a bell
Gone all star white
Small as a wish in a well
And Sodom, South Georgia
Woke like a tree full of bees
Buried in Christmas
Bows and a blanket of weeds

Papa died Sunday and I understood
All dead white boys say, "God is good"
White tongues hang out, "God is good"

Papa died while my
Girl Lady Edith was born
Both heads fell like
Eyes on a crack in the door
And Sodom, South Georgia
Slept on an acre of bones
Slept through Christmas
Slept like a bucket of snow

Papa died Sunday and I understood
All dead white boys say, "God is good"
White tongues hang out, "God is good"

I think some song writers are poets who have license for more abstraction.

wow, this vilification of "Sawtelle" has me so depressed.

And it's spreading all over the boards. So sad; I can't remember a first novel that has kept me comforted and reading for so many nights in a row. It's amazing how many unpublished people can go screaming destructo-nuts over prose that has significant value; else they wouldn't feel compelled to do so. I mean, no one's hauled up the latest Grisham for crucifixion, jeez, I wonder why. It's total mierda, that's why. And yet a book of significant power gets excoriated. Such trifle, bespeaking trouble more within than without, imho.

I haven't read Sawtelle. It seems, if nothing else, to provoke response which can be a lot of fun. Like this metaphor thread. Fun, right? Weee...

But what do I know? I find interest in the Presbyterian mind and I have the bad taste to consume midwestern cooking on a daily basis.

I like this board because the people who cook here usually keep a low flame.

Kathryn, I LOVED this book. I really don't care that others here didn't like it as much as I did. That's perfectly ok and it happens with most books in general; we all have different and diverse tastes. It doesn't change how I feel about it at all.

Having said that, I'm glad you enjoyed it as much as I did.

Andy, I can't join you on the Presbyterian thing, but I can on the Midwestern cooking thing...and yes, this board is generally thought-provoking if nothing else...I'm still a newbie but it does bring me back.

Thanks Beej! I've just gotten to the part where Trudy has pneumonia and Edgar has called Claude. Trouble brews, doubtless...I'm sure now the comforting part is over--

thank you Kathryn & Beej. I haven't finished Edgar yet, but I've loved what I've read so far (only stopped because it's big to carry on the commute)--I imagine I will enjoy the rest as well.

But I have been totally struck by the universal negatively and general elitism invading this board.

Where is the joy of reading and the allowance for other people's feelings?

yeah, my $.02.

Sara

Which board? I haven't found universal anything and certainly not elitism - just spirited discussions. I'm sorry you have experienced that. I took part in the Edgar book discussion and found it to be pretty split - and even though I enjoyed the book I can see why those that didn't, didn't. I don't get bummed out if others don't agree with a book I've enjoyed - their loss. Not my job to convert them. After all - there are lots of things out there that I haven't enjoyed which went against popular opinion.

I believe there is some elitism, Molly. I believe there is some "I would never belong to any club that would have me as a member." I certainly have experienced uber-matronly behavior in other discussion threads, tsk-tsking and the like. Sara has a point.

I think we all believe inside ourselves that we each have a special handle on qualitative superiority. That we know "good" better than other people. And I think in certain ways that there is an aesthetic absolute. But I *don't* think that anyone is the expert on what that absolute is. And I certainly don't see the need to completely vilify an author's integrity when a book is uneven. The question I always ask myself, then, is: "how many novels have *I* published? Do I even have a clue as to how that gets done?"

And then I seem to come back a little more balanced and less "personally affronted" at what may be simple technical or strategic flaws, here and there, in something which in other areas has incredible value.

I will out myself that part of the attraction in "Sawtelle" is that it's about intimacy; it's about community; *and* it is about the particular frequencies at which humans and non-humans communicate; among tons of other things. All of that falls under the subject heading "belonging" to me; and belonging is a big, big theme for me. I think it's something we all crave. And yeah. So do dogs. I'm a catwoman myself; but yeah. So do cats. Connection is essential for survival.

So that's my personal bias.

Belonging is a big theme for me too Kathryn, I liked your last post very much.

but wait! I've wandered completely off-topic...this is the "Meaningless..." discussion thread. Sorry! I withdraw myself!

Compared to another recent novel discussion I can remember, the Sawtelle discussion seems to be as lively as a debate between Robin Williams and Richard Simmons.

And then Simmons runs to Letterman and Williams to Ellen to talk about the dirty tricks that went on in the debate. And can't they just be friends? Even though they were actually being paid to debate, because that's what the people want!

Andy, I can't tell whether you think it's lively, or not-lively. Wha'? Or are you presenting us with an example of a meaningless simile, you sly dog?

What I can't stand about commercialized debate is that it's completely...well, meaningless...it's contrived and there's no point!

The substance has left TV, while the drama remains...that's like...turkey skin with no turkey...

...or something equally meaningless. Or banal, anyway.

Thank you again Kathryn. Well said, from one cat-woman to another.

And, Molly, you're lucky if you can't see it. The mood used to be very different at Constant Reader. I see deletions, threats of banning, snottiness, dismissiveness and a great deal of superiority. Not to mention lectures on writing.

so, yeah. I'll shut up now.

Sara

Q: What title do you give to a hackneyed production that disses the concept of motherhood while simultaneously informing about famous shipping paths?

A: The Pan A Ma Banal

Hey Sara. I guess I wasn't thinking of it as elitist behavior. I have seen bickering and accusations. But I've never felt like I wasn't being included in the group or made to feel that I wasn't smart enough to participate. That's what I meant. If I feel someone is set in their ways/opinions I just let it go and ignore the comments rather than get worked up about it which is what I assume people do when they get irritated with what I have to say. I'm a cat lover too - I'm used to being ignored :0) FYI - let me know if I'm ever being a superior brat - because that is not a personality trait I want to be associated with.

Andy, put down the tiny tiny espresso cup and step away from the sugar bowl...you lost me at five stars for The Da Vinci Code...

I'm all about a freezerful of meat, though. Not a fan of the cow, but am a fan of the turkey and the lamb. Here's hoping they're not fed cow offal as part of their regime...Eddie Izzard recently did a riff on cows getting fed cow, and how the cows eating the cows all fed into each other, creating one giant Mad Cow which was held aloft by the farmer like a Macy's Day Parade participant...

That is a trait I yearn to acquire, Molly: the ability to ignore. I seem biologically incapable of taking jabs in stride. Hateful business, that.

My cats line up to say hello every evening as I open the door from work...wish I *did* get ignored more often...

Well, here's how I see it. Here are three reviews from Goodreads on A Hundred Years of Solitude. They all gave it 1 or 2 stars, and here's what they said:

Review 1: 2 stars
this is one of the most beloved books of all time and i’m not so arrogant (damn close) to discount the word of all these people (although I do have gothboy, DFJ, and Borges on my side -- a strong argument for or against anything), and not so blind to see the joy this brings to so many people… i fully understand it's a powerful piece of work. but i really don’t get it.

Review 2: 1 star
I'm convinced that the author is just making shit up as he goes. It isn't so much of a cohesive story as a collection of rather stupid anecdotes. I'm halfway through and I'm fed up with reading it...Never. Trust. Oprah. She has shit taste in books.

Review 3: 1 star
Absolutely beautifully written but pointless story. I do not recommend the book for anyone who wants to read anything useful or meaningful. The language was flowery, the descriptions and imagination behind the story were fantastic but it was utterly utterly pointless at the end. I don't really understand the hype behind this book that so many people hold in such high esteem.

I think A Hundred Years of Solitude is a brilliant novel, but I both understand and respect Reviews 1 & 3. I don't agree with them, but I have to give them allowance for their own reactions. Review 3? Well, let's just say that "making shit up" is a meaningless metaphor. (How's that for swinging it back on-topic. LOL!)

Is this in the topic of ignoring? I give up...

I would interpret the post as a unique attempt to shed light on the topic of different opinions; addressing the topic from a "novel" angle.

I, for one, thought Reviewer #2 was quite funny, also. Apparently he subscribes to the notion that stories are floating around in the ether and should rightfully be channeled by the author, rather than "made up". How funny.

Here's a simile I find interesting. Haven't decided if it works or not. It's on the bubble.

The stores were closing and the last shoppers were drifting homeward, as if borne on the dreamy revolution of a slow merry-go-round.

It's from F. Scott Fitzgerald story "The Jelly-Bean". Okay, I think it is quite a nice image, and the next sentence briefly describes a street fair that is happening. My only issue is that when I think of people on a merry-go-round I think of them as moving in circles, and that's what makes the simile not want to work for me...

I guess one could then think of metaphorical circles, even if the people are walking straight lines to get home...

When they did the Saturday Night Live sports skit edition last weekend they showed the old Ray Ramono bit where he was a very bad Sportscenter Anchor trying to emulate Stuart Scott. His inane line from that skit which follows made me think of this thread instantly:

"I've always wanted to be a sportcaster. But your clever metaphors and catchphrases escape me. Like a fat girl waving her trophy from the smell contest."