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Rants: OT & OTT > ALERTS TO THREATS IN EUROPE: BY JOHN CLEESE

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message 1: by Andre Jute (new)

Andre Jute (AndreJute) | 4819 comments Mod
[[[Found by Peter Allen]]]

ALERTS TO THREATS IN EUROPE: BY JOHN CLEESE

by John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

A final thought - " Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC".


message 2: by Patricia (new)

Patricia (PatriciaSierra) | 2388 comments That's just plain wonderful.


message 3: by Sarah (new)

Sarah | 1 comments Fantastic. Had me giggling away!


message 4: by Patricia (new)

Patricia (PatriciaSierra) | 2388 comments Loved the glass-bottom boats.


message 5: by Sharon (new)

Sharon Tillotson (storytellerauthor) | 1802 comments Kench! Now that is humour!


message 6: by Katie (last edited Jun 16, 2012 10:02PM) (new)

Katie Stewart (Katiewstewart) | 1099 comments Very clever humour. (Edited to add - But far from politically correct!)

I'd say there is one higher level of Australian security though..."Struth mate, she's cactus, I'm outa here!"


message 7: by Raelke (new)

Raelke Grimmer | 7 comments Hilarious! John Cleese is ridiculously funnny.


message 8: by Andre Jute (new)

Andre Jute (AndreJute) | 4819 comments Mod
There is a yet higher Australian state of belligerence:

"What'll happen to Daisy if I go off to the wars? They'll butcher her for lamb chops!"


message 9: by Sharon (new)

Sharon Tillotson (storytellerauthor) | 1802 comments Katie wrote: "Very clever humour. (Edited to add - But far from politically correct!)..."

I know! But it somehow didn't come across as mean-spirited, and that's a skill when poking fun at a group.


message 10: by Patricia (new)

Patricia (PatriciaSierra) | 2388 comments The global nature of the remarks also helps. Almost nobody escapes the barbs.


message 11: by Matt (new)

Matt Posner (MattPosner) | 276 comments I absolutely love the comedy of John Cleese. Always have, always will.


message 12: by Sharon (new)

Sharon Tillotson (storytellerauthor) | 1802 comments Patricia wrote: "The global nature of the remarks also helps. Almost nobody escapes the barbs."

Yeah. I almost wish Canada weren't so boring, there's not much to skewer there - though from Saturday Night Live some folks seem to think we all say, eh? at the end of our sentences. I know no one who does. I could make a case for making fun of our official animal, the beaver.


message 13: by Patricia (new)

Patricia (PatriciaSierra) | 2388 comments Oh dear. The beaver? I won't say anything else...


message 14: by K.A. (new)

K.A. Jordan (KAJordan) | 3011 comments This is great stuff!

Patricia - Stephen Colbert has some really great jokes about the beaver.


message 15: by Patricia (new)

Patricia (PatriciaSierra) | 2388 comments Love Stephen!


message 16: by Sharon (last edited Jun 18, 2012 07:47PM) (new)

Sharon Tillotson (storytellerauthor) | 1802 comments Patricia wrote: "Oh dear. The beaver? I won't say anything else..."

I know! I mean, Canada has plenty of majestic animals - grizzy, spirit and polar bears; moose, caribou, musk ox and elk; lynx and bobcat; wolf; sockeye salmon, rainbow trout to die for, crab, lobster; several types of whales; whooping crane, snowy owl. Heck, even the pesky Canada Goose (though equally ripe for poking fun at) would better represent our land.

Sheesh, we changed our flag in 1967 to one that is recognized all over the world. Surely we could adopt one of the above animals - or one I'm sure to have forgotten...

ps. I posted a comment here yesterday, seems to have gotten lost in cyberland.

pps. Patricia, thanks for your forebearance.


message 17: by Patricia (new)

Patricia (PatriciaSierra) | 2388 comments We could start an international petition to get you a new symbol. Rainbow trout sounds good.


message 18: by Sharon (new)

Sharon Tillotson (storytellerauthor) | 1802 comments Great idea! I'd go for the Spirit bear, whose official name is Kermode, though he's only found on a group of islands off BC's coast with a few inland opposite them - and is our Province's official animal, which means the powers that be in the East would never agree to such a thing, Kench.

Come to think of it most animals I cited are mostly to be found in the west. They do have lots of Canada Geese in the east. They are everywhere, always leaving their mark. Our province also has the second largest concentration of Bald Eagles next to Alaska and just a few years ago the whole of Canada had more than the US, but I think they've come back there. The other day I was out in Stanley Park and I watched one riding a thermal for about 20 minutes. But we wouldn't want to start an international incident by suggesting it would be as or more appropriate as our symbol.

I just thought of something - I should start a Twitter or FB site with a poll to advocate for a new animal. It's such an important issue, kench!


message 19: by Patricia (new)

Patricia (PatriciaSierra) | 2388 comments I see no reason why we can't share the bald eagle. There must be times when it's above both sides of the border in the same instant.


message 20: by Sharon (new)

Sharon Tillotson (storytellerauthor) | 1802 comments Yeah, you and I might agree to that, but not many others from either side would...


message 21: by Patricia (new)

Patricia (PatriciaSierra) | 2388 comments We just have to work around them.


message 22: by David (new)

David Hillstrom (DavidHillstrom) | 11 comments Great humor but US absence is conspicuous. So, I wrote an addendum:

U.S. raises the terror threat level from low to high opportunity. Congressional leaders are quoted as saying, "Never let a terror threat go to waste." The National Security Council immediately authorized the CIA to conduct drone strikes on Pakistani weddings. The CIA replied, "Consider it done," which was of course true.

David Hillstrom
Author


message 23: by Andre Jute (new)

Andre Jute (AndreJute) | 4819 comments Mod
I'm more frightened of our legislators and policemen than I am of terrorists...


message 24: by David (new)

David Hillstrom (DavidHillstrom) | 11 comments Fully agree.


message 25: by Sharon (new)

Sharon Tillotson (storytellerauthor) | 1802 comments OMG David, that's perfect!!


message 26: by David (new)

David Hillstrom (DavidHillstrom) | 11 comments Thanks Sharon.


message 27: by Beatrice (new)

Beatrice Bulteau | 1 comments Another delightful definition by John Cleese . ABSOLUTELY HILARIOUS !


message 28: by K.A. (new)

K.A. Jordan (KAJordan) | 3011 comments How did I miss this the first time around?

I'm terrified of Congress - their collective stupidity boggles my mind.


message 29: by Andre Jute (last edited Jan 02, 2015 12:50PM) (new)

Andre Jute (AndreJute) | 4819 comments Mod
Democracy has many faults. Some of them get elected to Congress. — Andre Jute


message 30: by K.A. (new)

K.A. Jordan (KAJordan) | 3011 comments Kench! Nailed it!


message 31: by Emlyn (new)

Emlyn Addison (emlyn_ellis_addison) | 1 comments Let's not forget the other southern ex-colony: South Africa, whose threat alert levels range from "Yes well no fine" and "Don't be cheeky" to "Diplomatic Immunity" and "Pack some biltong".


message 32: by Andre Jute (new)

Andre Jute (AndreJute) | 4819 comments Mod
Does anyone go to war without biltong? Christ, next they'll leave off the coffee!


message 33: by Gregory (new)

Gregory Bart | 6 comments Yes, it is very funny.

No, it was not written by John Cleese:


http://www.snopes.com/politics/satire...


message 34: by Andre Jute (new)

Andre Jute (AndreJute) | 4819 comments Mod
Oooof! That let's the air out of the myth.


message 35: by K.A. (new)

K.A. Jordan (KAJordan) | 3011 comments Bummer


message 36: by Andre Jute (new)

Andre Jute (AndreJute) | 4819 comments Mod
Well, the truth is, I'm not a fan of John Cleese. Instead of finding him funny, I find him embarrassing.


message 37: by K.A. (new)

K.A. Jordan (KAJordan) | 3011 comments I can understand that. He'd not my cuppa either.


message 38: by David (new)

David Fantastic! This brightened my day MANY levels.


message 39: by Andre Jute (new)

Andre Jute (AndreJute) | 4819 comments Mod
When you find something else amusing here, post something in the thread so we can enjoy it again. I'd forgotten this one. Thanks.


message 40: by Mark (last edited Jan 26, 2016 07:47AM) (new)

Mark | 1 comments John Cleese ....you, are somewhat mistaken. It is obvious the English have in fact already changed their "security" (lol!) level. To... "Let's Suck All Small Muslim C_ck and Kiss Their Heathen Arse's".
Because it would seem, that it takes even more than little old lady's (and several other people) getting beheaded in their own back English garden............before you English, get any more than "miffed". Does it not? :-)

Regards,
Mark J. Zappa -
Canadian, world philosopher, professional bubble wrap popper, Libertard hater, cat dad..... and also tall person


message 41: by Singular (new)

Singular | 1 comments Canada does os have alerts:

Lowest Level: Hide all the beavers.

Medium Level: Wear Canadian Flag patches on all back packs

Highest level: Time to go save Europe from itself, again!


message 42: by DS (new)

DS | 1 comments You're aware that Australia is not in Europe, right? Austria is, but not Australia haha


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