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What is your opinion on a Muslim having a girlfriend/boyfriend?

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message 1: by Halik (new)

Halik (Whacko) | 35 comments Would like to know your opinions on the above..


message 2: by Amanda (new)

Amanda  (IsmeAmanda) I was raised in America and had boyfriends when I was a teenager and NOTHING GOOD CAME OF IT!

I stress to Muslim teens and young adults not to date, to meet others and get to know them for the sake of marriage insha Allah!

I am now married alhamdulilah, and if I could do it all over again I would have never dated and only sought partners for the sake of marriage :-)


message 3: by Morteza (new)

Morteza | 24 comments WEll... I dont think that being friend with the opposite sex is wrong. the only thing that is wrong is that they should not have any sexual activity! they can talk together and they can walk and everything except sex or any sexual activity! but I should tell you that I myself who is a 20 year old boy and is not a muslim yet hates such relationships because it will end up with sex only! however i sometimes get tempted but heartly and mindly i have huge problem with that... you know its like a viruse which penetrates into our mind and it occupies our mind for nothing! I believe that our mind is an operating system which runs many softwares, same as computer! these things (things which are prohibited in Islam) are the viruses which dont let our softwares work properly! no one can deny this! totally I am going to think that Islam is not a religion, it is a mannual for having a good life.
Am i wrong?


message 4: by Halik (last edited Mar 09, 2011 04:33AM) (new)

Halik (Whacko) | 35 comments Morteza wrote: "WEll... I dont think that being friend with the opposite sex is wrong. the only thing that is wrong is that they should not have any sexual activity! they can talk together and they can walk and ev..."

Thanks for the reply. That's an awesome analogy.. mind if i borrow it? :) As for Islam being only an 'operating system' and not a religion well i guess it depends on what you define as a 'religion'. Islam is not only about living a good worldly life in peace and contentment it is also about the afterlife and the truth about reality, so would this fit into the broader idea of your operating system? if yes, then i think to you a religion and an operating system is much the same; a way of governing your life in the correct path.


message 5: by Shahenaz (new)

Shahenaz Akemi My best friend is a man and we r togather for the past 4 years, talking walking and studing.. just friend nothing else happened .
However, I dont think its wrong to love some one and talk to him.. esxual activity after marrige ,,


message 6: by Halik (new)

Halik (Whacko) | 35 comments Amanda wrote: "I was raised in America and had boyfriends when I was a teenager and NOTHING GOOD CAME OF IT!

I stress to Muslim teens and young adults not to date, to meet others and get to know them for the sa..."


What do you think about a couple who cannot yet get married simply being together in a non-sexual way until they can get married?


message 7: by Halik (new)

Halik (Whacko) | 35 comments Ahmed wrote: "Morteza wrote: "WEll... I dont think that being friend with the opposite sex is wrong. the only thing that is wrong is that they should not have any sexual activity! they can talk together and they..."

Interesting! this is the first time i have heard of this perspective on dating. Do you have a link to one of his speeches or writings? I'm interested in what his proofs are


message 8: by Amanda (new)

Amanda  (IsmeAmanda) Halik wrote: "What do you think about a couple who cannot yet get married simply being together in a non-sexual way until they can get married? "

That is the problem, dating leads to sex before marriage. When I was 16 I was like.."Oh we have self control, we plan to get married but we wont have sex!"

But when a female & max are alone, Shaytaan is the third person.

You will be surprised how weak willed the most pious person is when tempted with the opportunity of sex.

But I like to think we can prevent such issues by just not being in close contact with the opposite sex in private. You want to go to a nice crowded mall with a girl? Okay. A public park? Okay. Back to an empty house? No, temptation lies there.

May we all stay on the straight path insha'Allah.


message 9: by [deleted user] (last edited Mar 09, 2011 01:12PM) (new)

i dont know, i think it just depends on the person. even before i converted, my mother verbally beat the no-sex-before-marriage thing into me, and thankfully i had enough common sense to know that no good ever came out of it. thankfully, i was never the kind of girl who couldn't wait to loose her virginity, so it was never much a problem for me.
so when i started dating danny, we never had sex and obviously our relationship worked out. as long as you dont go around dating a new guy every week, and abstain from sex and stuff, i dont really see a problem with it.
but i dont think that everyone, especially those who know that they are tempted by sex, should date. because that's just stupid and you know you'll screw up and have sex. its like throwing yourself off a cliff or something, and then getting pissed when you're in the air and realize you're going to die. it all comes down to how realistic and non-shallow you are, and how easily you can be persuaded by hot guys...


message 10: by Patricia (new)

Patricia (Laylah) | 2 comments Amanda wrote:
That is the problem, dating leads to sex before ma..."


I don't think that people are so mindless that they can not control themselves, we always have a choice in the end to do right instead of wrong.

I think we should be free to make choices and dating or seeing someone without having a sexual relationship is possible to do, especially if there is care and respect. If a man respects and cares for you they would not try to force or push a woman into having sex with them before marriage.. or vice versa.

God gave us all a mind, so that we can think and make choices, we know right from wrong so in the end we have to make the right decision Isa.

salams


message 11: by Amanda (new)

Amanda  (IsmeAmanda) Laylah wrote: "I don't think that people are so mindless that they can not control themselves, we always have a choice in the end to do right instead of wrong.

I think we should be free to make choices and dating or seeing someone without having a sexual relationship is possible to do, especially if there is care and respect. If a man respects and cares for you they would not try to force or push a woman into having sex with them before marriage.. or vice versa.

God gave us all a mind, so that we can think and make choices, we know right from wrong so in the end we have to make the right decision Isa. "



I was never forced into sex, my self control faltered astaghfirallah and intercourse out of marriage happened. In the end, it was my bad choice. BUT I can also say that if we were not home alone, it would not have happened!

I have always been a "good girl" and had high morals.
My point is: Dont test your self control, just stay away from positions that can lead to haraaam relationships.


message 12: by Morteza (new)

Morteza | 24 comments Halik thank you for your compliment. This is not just my own idea, as soon as you read and understood it, it is yours! and yes... I do agree and understand that Islam is not only for having a good life in here, it is also for afterlife although i can not accpet these things like a story because frankly its sounds to me foolish. I cant really understand that why i am given such a book for protecting myself from things which are harmful for my body and my soul! Why someone is trying to protect me from such things by giving me some instructions and talking to me like a baby? "if you do this, you'll go to hell...!" what is in the future? what is at the end of this story that i should be clean, what will or not happen if i simply be a dirty guy?
Guys...I have no doubt about Quran and the rest of it but i am just like a curious 7-8 year old kid who as an example wants to know how children are born? in this way if i ask my dad..."dady? how am i born? whats the real fact?" surely, he will not tell me what exactly went wrong between mom and him that i am the result! he will not give me books and resources like video clips to see what happens between moms and dads... "Hey son... I have a video for you, come here to see what happens then you'll get your answer!" lol.. my god!!! a 7-8 year old kid has not enough capacity to know what exactly happens, if the dady tell him that what really happens, for sure son will go crazy at this age! so what do we do now? dad's answer would be: "son... you are a gift of God, God gave us you!" did we lie to him? of course not! we just truncated the whole thing! this is same as the story of us that want to know the answer of these questions (each with different curiosity levels). there are very complicated things outthere which takes a lot of capacity for knowing them and we are like the curious kid who tries to answer his questions but not enough capacity for knowing the pure facts and these questions can not be answered in a very clear way unless we start to gain more and more knowledge in all fields! you should know everything... Maths, Physics, Biology, Chemistry, Astronomy and everything... then... you Begin to understand then will ask yourself, oh my god.. what's going on in here...???
Friends... i should ask you forgiveness because of my bad english skill. i know i was a little rude in expressing my ideas, thats because i do not know english very well.


message 13: by Halik (new)

Halik (Whacko) | 35 comments Morteza wrote: "Halik thank you for your compliment. This is not just my own idea, as soon as you read and understood it, it is yours! and yes... I do agree and understand that Islam is not only for having a good ..."

I understand, i guess you're wondering what the purpose of it all is yeah? I had the same issues as well. For e.g. i started wondering what the purpose of human existence was. why are we here, why do we simply live a short life that we spend scrabbling for wealth and status? and then we leave this earth with barely a trace.

Islam i suppose tells you that your purpose is to serve God. and it asks you to submit to that purpose. In turn it promises you paradise, a place where you will not have worldly worries like hunger, sustenance, thirst, recognition etc. Its a state of being that we cannot comprehend, i heard it described somewhere like trying to tell a tadpole what being a frog is like, or trying to tell a caterpillar what being a butterfly is like. And well if i git you correctly, i don't think you need to have an understanding of the sciences to understand Islam, but the more you learn about both (in my limited experience) the more you are made aware of the miracles of Islam. I hope i made sense lol.


message 14: by AB (new)

AB | 13 comments Amanda wrote: "Laylah wrote: "I don't think that people are so mindless that they can not control themselves, we always have a choice in the end to do right instead of wrong.

I think we should be free to make ch..."


I agree with you Amanda, if everyone could control themselves easily, then the world would not be how it is today. There would be no STDs or any obese people. And the mere existince of a subconscious mind means that we cannot control everything in ourselves. Don't try to decieve yourself people, you can lose your control in a lot of things and the simplest of all is anger.

And btw, Dating is NOT halal. It depends on your "definition" of dating.
If you mean:
-staying by yourselves alone
-saying love words to each other
-touching each other
Then these things in Islam are not allowed.
If you mean that dating is just being friends, then I'm sorry to say that that is actually not dating.
Get over it people, most of the times, it doesn't come out with any benefit, and dating was never a solution to future divorce.
Tc everyone.


message 15: by [deleted user] (new)

i thought the only thing you were supposed to avoid was sexual contact and stuff. i dont see anything wrong with dating a guy if you're being decent about it.


message 16: by Tynan (new)

Tynan Power | 6 comments Since when is "saying love words" to anyone forbidden by Islam?? What I know is forbidden by Islam is to say that something is forbidden which is not. I would be very careful about stating that anything is forbidden if you can not find proof in the Qur'an.


message 17: by Amanda (new)

Amanda  (IsmeAmanda) Saying love words are okay, IF YOU INTEND TO MARRY THEM.
Sorry guys but dating is not allowed in Islam. Having a boyfriend at 16 and saying you love them is not allowed in Islam.

Also, Stop taking quotes out of context from people or dont bother disusing the issue. It makes you look silly.


message 18: by Tynan (new)

Tynan Power | 6 comments Please direct me to the verse of Qur'an that states that declaring love is ever haram.

There is nothing in Islam that says that people can not love another. There is definitely nothing that says or implies that young love (at 16) is haram. How old was A'isha when she was married to the Prophet SAWS? The only issue is of how love is acted upon. If "having a boyfriend" means having sex, then that is the issue. If "having a boyfriend" puts someone in a position of constantly being tempted, than that is the issue. Love itself is not the issue and stating the truth---before Allah, al-Haqq---can never be haram.


message 19: by [deleted user] (new)

yeah, i agree with you. there's nothing wrong with declaring love at 16, but it all comes with how mature a couple is. as long as that declaration or whatever doesn't lead to sex and stuff, then it shouldn't really be a problem.
im not saying that we should start declaring love to a guy we've only known for like two months, but if it's been pretty serious and not a casual fling, what's wrong with that?


message 20: by [deleted user] (new)

gf/bf = haram.
If you happen to like/fall for someone, then you should channel that energy and attraction into working out whether you will both work out as a couple. If you view any potential relationship like that, then it will prevent you from being blinded by love, or being weak and giving into your emotions. Following Islam requires a lot of strength of holding out your desires and not giving into temptation. Western world views losing your virginity as something to be celebrated and looked upon favorably in social circles. Whereas I could think of nothing better to give to a woman that decides to choose to spend the rest of her life with me, than my body completely.

Hold out, get yourself ready for marriage and make yourself the best muslim you can and Allah will bless you with the best relationship, have faith :)


message 21: by [deleted user] (new)

but gf/bf doesnt always mean sex before marriage. sometimes, a couple is serious about getting married.


message 22: by [deleted user] (new)

you can dress it up anyway you wish, but when you spend time alone with bf/gf no matter how earnest your intentions to refrain from kissing and other acts, human nature dictates that you will give in and commit sin. Best to avoid that temptation from arising in the first place, Allah having created knew the strengths and weaknesses of us humans and therefore gave us the best guide to follow our lives by and sadly bf/gf relationships aren't permitted. If you guys are serious, then you should trust one another to remain faithful and both be working towards getting married and pleasing Allah who will make your path easier.


message 23: by [deleted user] (new)

well, obviously that's not true or im not human. i dated daniel for six years, we never even came close to anything like that. even when we weren't muslim, we had rules and those never faltered.
i dont think casual flings are good, but if you stay committed and remain faithful, i dont see what's wrong with that.


message 24: by [deleted user] (new)

so you dated daniel for six years and never even kissed him... poor dan.


message 25: by [deleted user] (new)

no i kissed him. but that's not the same thing as sex.


message 26: by [deleted user] (new)

kinda is both haram


message 27: by [deleted user] (new)

how is kissing haram? it doesn't classify as 'premarital sex' last i checked.


message 28: by [deleted user] (new)

In Islam it is completely allowed to Kiss and Touch your Wife and Husband. Kissing and Touching some stranger woman/man is not allowed or even If you know that woman/man you can only kiss them after "marry". It is not only in Islam but traditionally is in every religion to Kiss and touch only after marry. Even If someone do kiss any stranger woman/man then it is usually advised to marry her as must. Usually in every religion, instead of Kissing, before marrying it is advised to know each other more mentally then checking physically. Ask for forgiveness and do not go for such relationships which are haram.
Islam is a complete religion that totally understands humans' needs and would never impose any unnatural law.


message 29: by [deleted user] (new)

http://caliph.wordpress.com/articles/...

great article worth a read


message 30: by [deleted user] (new)

well obviously its important to know the person mentally too, but as long as your entire relationship isn't centered around kissing and the physical aspect, it can't be haram in any religion. because then half the religious population of islam, or christianity, or judiasm would land in hell. probably more than half. so i get if its not recommended, but it can't be haram.

in that article, it speaks of the downsides of early sex. all the things that premarital sex leads to, not kissing. granted kissing sometimes leads to other things, but if the couple is committed and waiting for marriage, then it shouldn't really be a problem. because otherwise, basically, im going to hell. and i'd really not like to think that.


message 31: by Amanda (last edited Mar 19, 2011 09:16PM) (new)

Amanda  (IsmeAmanda) Esme: Islam is against men and women mingling. When a man and a woman want to get to know each other to be married, they cant be alone together. They have a chaperone. There is a huge distinction between men and women and rules of gender separation before marriage or when not around Mahrams.

Dont act like what you're saying is the Muslim way of doing things. It may be American, and you dont want to change the way you've always done things. But dont think it's okay in Islam, becuase simply it's not.

I'm so sick of this topic. Because no one is getting anywhere and It seems to be just turning into an argument.

If you want to date, then date. But do not say there is nothing wrong with it, and that if its haraaam then half of the religious population will go to hell, etc., etc. It's a taboo, it's not recommended, and that is one of the first things I learned and accepted as a convert.


message 32: by W (new)

W Nor Haslina (wnorhaslina) | 2 comments Totally agree with Amanda.


message 33: by [deleted user] (new)

Let's not be too critical of Esme opinion, perhaps her fear of hell makes her reluctant to admit to herself, that she has done anything wrong. Islam teaches us, Allah loves people who repent and ask for forgiveness and are able to reflect and become better humans. We all sin and are in need of guidance and help from time to time.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4MUWN1...


message 34: by Amanda (new)

Amanda  (IsmeAmanda) @ Saad:

Thank you for the video, Masha Allah it was beautiful.
I'm sorry if I offended anyone. I love everyone in this Ummah, and am only critical because I want the best for them, now and in the Hereafter. Insha Allah. <3


message 35: by Morteza (new)

Morteza | 24 comments Amanda wrote: "Esme: Islam is against men and women mingling. When a man and a woman want to get to know each other to be married, they cant be alone together. They have a chaperone. There is a huge distinction b..."
Amanda I'm sorry but I think that you shouldn't behave like this! no doubt whatever you say is all correct according to Islamic rules and sayings, but you yourself have forgotten onething of most Islamic rules which is anger control. Esme is just explaining her opinions, we shouldn't attack her and tell her that her ideas are totally wrong and she shouldn't explain them in here. if she insists on onething, we should ask her for documents and reasons. do you know why such discussions ALWAYS leads to fight at the end?becasue all of us think that whatever we believe is absolutely right! If only you and i and them always try to begin a discussion with the purpose of sharing information no one will get sad and there will be no fight and war in the world. anger control is one of the most important issues in Islam.


message 36: by AB (new)

AB | 13 comments It's not wrong that our opinions contradict each other. In the end, we're all human. And I respect you all for whatever you believe :)

In the Quran: surat AlAhzab: verse 32
In Arabic:
قال الله تعالى : ( يا نساء النبي لستن كأحد من النساء إن اتقيتن فلا تخضعن بالقول فيطمع الذي في قلبه مرض وقلن قولا معروفا )

different translations in english:
Abdul Daryabadi : wives of the prophet! ye are not like any others of women, if ye are God-fearing. So be not soft in speech, lest one in whose heart is disease should be moved with desire, bun speak a reputable speech.
Dr. Mohsin : O wives of the Prophet! You are not like any other women. If you keep your duty (to Allâh), then be not soft in speech, lest he in whose heart is a disease (of hypocrisy, or evil desire for adultery) should be moved with desire, but speak in an honourable manner.
Pickthal : O ye wives of the Prophet! Ye are not like any other women. If ye keep your duty (to Allah), then be not soft of speech, lest he in whose heart is a disease aspire (to you), but utter customary speech.
Yusuf Ali : O Consorts of the Prophet! ye are not like any of the (other) women: if ye do fear (Allah), be not too complaisant of speech, lest one in whose heart is a disease should be moved with desire: but speak ye a speech (that is) just.

I'm going to try to be logical and objectional :)
-If the Quran doesn't allow a woman to speak to a stranger by softening her voice by purpose because it will arouse his desire, does that make kissing him allowed? (-btw, you can't say love words to a stranger and not soften your voice when saying it)
-Look, to love some one sometimes can't be stopped because it's human nature. But the problem is what you do with that love afterwards. Will you seriously consider marriage to that person by asking about him\her and getting answers from their family, friends and colleages?(I don't deny that you will talk to them sooner or later about this issue, it differs from culture to culture) Or will you mingle with them (which will "usually" lead to unwanted results) then get married?
-everything you and I all said is allowed in marriage, but outside marriage, that's another issue.
-In these last centuries, muslims are different than the centuries close to the prophet's life. Also the scholars were different. We can't deny that they were closer to how the prophet and his companions lived.(Btw, before the prophet came with his religion, there was kissing, sex and other stuff going on between the people) Ok,let's turn it the other way,here is the question… Can some one prove that it's allowed? Or can you bring a story about a companion or any of the close descendants of the companions who went out with a strange woman publicly and it was completely normal and accepted? State one right hadeeth that allows "going out" or "dating" by the definition of these last decades. (I do not deny that you are allowed to talk to each other about seroius things,learning, saying salam, asking about stuff,whatever normal things you'd do with any other human of your same sex)
-Btw, Esme, you're cool for being able to date 6 years without having sex, considering the society you live in. :D But here's the thing, you are an exception, not the majority. The majority do things differently as we all know.
Anyway, I know we all differ in our opinions, and I hope you understood what I was trying to say. And I hope I understood what you all wanted to say. And I may not be able to reply any sooner or later because I have exams now.
I respect you all, brothers and sisters :)


message 37: by A. (new)

A. (almas) kissing a person or sleeping with them will not make you know them better and will not make you find out if they're the right husband/wife to be...if that's the only scale you'll be using to examine a person then you'll be missing huge amount of infos

for a marriage to be successful you'll need a lot more than kissing and intimacy

if kissing and intimacy were the best way to find a wife or a husband then the prophet would be the first to apply it and it would be permissible in all religions and cultures

marriage was designed to protect people's rights when they're in a relationship.

....having a relationship without marriage is like working for a company for free; they benefit from your services and you get nothing in return….and no one is responsible for any harm that falls on you…is that fair to anyone?


message 38: by رانية (new)

رانية النتيفي (raniabooks) | 1 comments Amal wrote: "kissing a person or sleeping with them will not make you know them better and will not make you find out if they're the right husband/wife to be...if that's the only scale you'll be using to examin..."

Hello Amal, right on the spot, what you said is absoluetly true, wise and logical. Thanks a lot for posting such great ideas, I always thought the same but never knew how to explain it..Shukran


message 39: by A. (new)

A. (almas) Rania wrote: "Amal wrote: "kissing a person or sleeping with them will not make you know them better and will not make you find out if they're the right husband/wife to be...if that's the only scale you'll be us..."

thank you Rania


message 40: by A. (new)

A. (almas) If one sees a person they like and wanna know if they'll make the right wife/husband, then do the following;

(1) see who their friends are- we say in Arabic "Tell me who your friends are, I'll tell you who you are"

(2) see how they act among their friends

(3) see how they act @ work/school and listen to what people say about them

(4) find about their family background and their culture

(5) find their personality type and see if it's compatible to yours

see how much you can know about a person and you haven't talked to them yet?...if not to your liking then no harm falls on anyone...if you like what you find, then why waste time, proceed to the next step and talk to them and see where you go from there...

and I don't think one needs years to decide if they wanna marry someone

if you have all the facts infront of you, and you still can't make up your mind, then you better leave them alone for you'll be wasting your time and their time


message 41: by [deleted user] (new)

Amal wrote: "If one sees a person they like and wanna know if they'll make the right wife/husband, then do the following;

(1) see who their friends are- we say in Arabic "Tell me who your friends are, I'll ..."



Very wise, but even if you decide they are the one, always get families involved as earliest as possible, best way to gain their approval and also give them time to warm to the relative stranger and smooth over any concerns etc.


message 42: by A. (new)

A. (almas) Mick wrote: "always get families involved as earliest as possible..."

Absolutely...involving both families is very essential and saves both sides tons of headaches


message 43: by Muhammad (new)

Muhammad (MuhammadYasir) | 1 comments There,s no any relaxation in islam for boy or girl to take a route.


message 44: by Bodrul (new)

Bodrul | 49 comments @ Saad, I very much agree with you inyour statement but I suppose sometimes the social taboos of society regarding gender based modesty over shadow the religious implementation...

In agreement with almost all those who have posted so far on this thread...the general'no go' nature of religious observation and teachings are a tremendous blessing in order to facilitate the lives of all souls and in particular those who have adopted Islam as a way of life...

As such (in adopting Islam as a way of life), in would be deemed necessary for a believer to subjugate his or her desires to that which religious teachings ask one to accept (adopt) and at times demands one to follow...

Jazakallah khair to all those who have made positive contributions thus so far...


message 45: by Bahar (new)

Bahar | 3 comments Amanda wrote:"Sorry guys but dating is not allowed in Islam. Having a boyfriend at 16 and saying you love them is not allowed in Islam."

I totally agree..as far as i get it,dating is NOT allowed in Islam,even though if its jst a no-touch thing..u r not supposed to b in a relationship wid a na-mehram..


Fadhilah Fitri  (fadhilahfitri) | 44 comments who says liking, loving the opposite sex is Haram? Who??? I don't know.
I'm a muslim and... it's ok here. I'm 14 and some of myfriends have boyfriends...it's just a simple relationship


Fadhilah Fitri  (fadhilahfitri) | 44 comments who says liking, loving the opposite sex is Haram? Who??? I don't know.
I'm a muslim and... it's ok here. I'm 14 and some of myfriends have boyfriends...it's just a simple relationship


Fadhilah Fitri  (fadhilahfitri) | 44 comments And which verse from the Qur'an says that?


Fadhilah Fitri  (fadhilahfitri) | 44 comments hmmmph.

having a boyfriend/girlfriend doesn't mean having to do 'sex' and stuff. Just a close relationship


Fadhilah Fitri  (fadhilahfitri) | 44 comments You're saying this like this happens all the time. And it DOESN'T. Not every person is like that you know.


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