group discussion
topic:
I APPRECIATE POETRY CRITIQUE >
revision of "scuba-dying"
date
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*the first poem is the original poem...the second is the revision (obviously!)* thank you all
scuba-dying
ugly plastic
shapes fishy memories.
small and limey
like granny smiths’ sour apples
without a core
green
not the hue that
leads to jealousy,
but ambiguity?
compartments
included to house necessities:
lures
weights
bobbers
line
and hooks…
we never caught a fish.
the caution-orange rope
anchored in the shore remained
clean,
blood of the trout still in their veins,
us waiting in the sun with nothing
to say,
unable to lure each other
on this father-daughter day,
unable to pierce hardened hearts
by yesterday
with those cheap hooks
purchased today
clear and thin,
the line has broken,
sinking to lake arthur’s floor,
weights clamped too tightly,
i see the fish swim past me
nightly
a rare fish
the tackle box,
ugly and plastic
regurgitates memories
of a love unkempt.
it was green
not the hue
synonymous to envy,
but ambiguity?
compartments
included to house necessities:
lures
weights
bobbers
line
and hooks…
we never caught a fish.
the caution-orange rope
anchored in the shore remained
clean,
blood of the trout still in their veins,
us waiting in the sun with nothing
to say,
unable to lure each other
on this father-daughter day,
unable to pierce hearts hardened
by yesterday
with the cheap hooks
purchased on that day
clear and thin,
the line has broken,
too many weights of our past clamped too tightly,
i ended up on lake arthur’s floor,
dad still sat upon the shore
he never caught a fish.
I'd still say the poem -- the powerful images, the tension -- starts at "we never caught a fish." you never refer back to the tackle box in the second part of the poem. You also use concept words like envy and ambiguity in the beginning that don't do anything to create a moment or place in time. I love that "caution-orange rope" that becomes a metaphor for your relationship ... testing the waters ... fish-less.
The poem really takes off in the middle-as Julia says-and I also love the caution-orange rope metaphor.
Fall-Orginal.
The leaves fall gently from the treetops as they land softly on the ground creating a forest carpet. As I step on a twig hidden beneath my boot, a small popping sound echoes across the land. The sun lightly dances on the trees and leaves, creating a wonderful array of sunshine. The golden colors of the leaves swoop and sway as they get kicked about.
Fall is a time of beauty, when Mother Nature goes to work to restore the Earth and get it ready for spring. But when winter comes, an eerie silence fills the forest and all colors are gone.
Then,
The golden sun is gone.
Please tell me what you think, and i am young ( like really young) so it dosn't have the most expanded vocab.
I love that scuba diving poem- very nice. Captured me in a story of love between father and daughter on a adventure.
Nice work. ☺
Mickey, I think, no matter how young you are your off to a great start. I'm not so young but I to don't think of myself as having the advantage of an expanded vocabulary, however, and keep in mind, that's really not what's important. Just keep your imagination going. Being that your young, you are still learning words and they're meaning; it will all increase as you go along.
I could feel what your conveying, that's what's important otherwise words/poetry have no meaning for me. But, that's just me. Keep up the good work.
Trice - loved the first version the best although the scuba-dying start didn't seem to tie in. I thought it was the father perspective in the first version which you definitely clarified in the 2nd version with dad sitting on the shore. Great work!Mickey - you gripped me up until the ending. Nice work on capturing the moment. Thanks for sharing - awesome & inspiring.
