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Random Queries > Is marriage becoming obsolete? Are long term relationships human nature? Is there such a thing?

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message 1: by RandomAnthony (new)

RandomAnthony | 14536 comments The associated press has an article out this morning that reads "4 in 10 say marriage is becoming obsolete".

http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/a...

What do you think?


message 2: by Phil (new)

Phil | 11395 comments I think 2 in 10 are committment-phobes, 1 in 10 just got burned in a relationship and 1 in 10 likes the (imagined) freedom to step out on their significant other.


message 3: by Barb (new)

Barb Phil wrote: "I think 2 in 10 are committment-phobes, 1 in 10 just got burned in a relationship and 1 in 10 likes the (imagined) freedom to step out on their significant other."

Now, now Phil.
I am neither a committment-phobe, recently heart broken or an un-faithful spouse ... and I tend to agree that official marraige is somewhat pointless. I'm in a committed relationship, have been for close to 10 years ... we have a family, and a home ... just different last names. We may or may not get around to getting officially married one of these days, but it's not something we feel is of great importance in the grand scheme of things.


message 4: by Carol (new)

Carol | 1666 comments I'm with Barb. It may have started out as 'burned by other marriages' but time passed and we never saw the significance of a wedding ceremony. We are closing in on 20 years. I think of my marriage as a 'starter relationship' then I went on to the real thing!


message 5: by Kristina (new)

Kristina | 136 comments We've had this discussion with our friends several times. The overall consensus is that marriage is just not necessary like it used to be. Not all that long ago, women would stay at home with their parents if they didn't get married. Getting married meant having your own home and your own life and were therefore a successful woman. Not so anymore. Marriage was also about insurance benefits. I think some people still do that but it's not quite the problem it used to be. And of course it was very taboo to be pregnant out of wedlock or for a male and female to live together who weren't married. Social perceptions have changed and marriage isn't quite the necessity it once was. But I don't think marriage is going anywhere. It still is something most little girls dream of and somehow just seems proper. My wedding was just a formality (and a really fun one!) but I'm glad to be married.


message 6: by Shirley (new)

Shirley (ShirleytheKindlereader) From a retired woman's point of view. Women are breadearners now. I married at 15 and my sweetie died after 48 years together. Would I marry again....NEVER....I would even encourage that women never live with a man. Keep your place and let him visit and vice versa. Share the kids with him so he has 24/7 to enjoy everything and you have 24/7 to enjoy everything. Everything means sickness/homework/meal prep/budgeting and paying the bills. on the fun side theatres/dinner out/a quiet house/reading a book/watching a movie without interruption. Then when things go wrong you don't have to find new digs or spend a fortune on lawyers. You also have decor choice what could be more ideal? Housing for the future... compounds where this would be possible men's side - women's side with a park in the middle. Oh don't forget the contract that makes 50/50 possible without guilt then everyone has guidelines to follow. Remember you can only change yourself and he is not going to change. Be selfish get what you really want.


message 7: by Michele (new)

Michele bookloverforever (lovebooks14) | 1966 comments I married the first time because,hey it was 1967 in a provincial small city heavily RC as I was. If you were female before the women's movement, you left your dad's house 1 of 3 ways: 1)you got married 2)you went away to school or 3)you died. My dad refused to sign papers allowing me to attend school away (then you had to be 21 to sign things) so I got married. Huge mistake as he was a batterer...since I was RC, I stayed 10 yrs before realizing I would rather be an alive bad catholic than a dead good one. I got married a 2nd time because my husband was insecure without the official rites. That marriage lasted 27 yrs. My husband cheated on me with many bottles of alcohol and I finally had enough when he got abusive. Had already been there/done that with my 1st marriage. no 2nd chances for husband #2. now separated and saving money for divorce. Marry again? Hell,no...I don't need a 3rd strike. I obviously have very poor taste in men.


message 8: by Kristina (new)

Kristina | 136 comments Married at 15 is... incomprehensible to me. I was still picking out what accessories I wanted to go with my American Girl doll at 15. Okay, okay... I may have just shown my husband the American Girl catelog the other day to tell him what I needed. I'm just saying, we should still be kids at 15! I got married at 28 and I wasn't ready before that. I lived on my own from 21 to 26. I'm a year into marriage and I enjoy it. My husband is the only person that makes me laugh until I cry on pretty much a daily basis. So here's hoping to many years of happy marriage for me and for those who want it for themselves! Salut! Oh, hold on... let me get the vodka for that toast.


Jackie "the Librarian" | 8993 comments All my friends my age have been divorced, most of them twice. I really don't know - I think we live longer than we used to, and decisions we make in our twenties might not be the best ones, or work anymore, with who we become as we get older.

I think there's a place for marriage, but also that there should be flexibility for other arrangements. And compassion and understanding when things don't work out.


message 10: by Brittomart (new)

Brittomart I don't want to get married, but I guess that's because I think no one would ever want to marry me. Like, in my grand scheme plans, marriage is not one of the things I list.


message 11: by Lobstergirl (new)

Lobstergirl | 22264 comments If marriage is becoming obsolete, what are the gays yammering on about? Oh yeah, civil and legal benefits. Marriage will never become obsolete as long as couples benefit civilly and legally. There's also that religious aspect...


message 12: by Lori (new)

Lori The only reason Richard and I finally got married was for tax purposes! Dec. 31, just squeezed it in there.


message 13: by Lobstergirl (new)

Lobstergirl | 22264 comments Lori, that is so romantic.


Stacia (the 2010 club) (Stacia_R) Hopefully they didn't write their own vows for that one.


message 15: by Lori (new)

Lori HAHAHHAH


message 16: by Lobstergirl (new)

Lobstergirl | 22264 comments With this ring I thee wed, in sickness and in health, but especially in sickness given that our medical expenses in 2012 will undoubtedly exceed 7.5% of our AGI, with or without your mortgage interest deduction, until such time as we choose not to itemize.


message 17: by Michele (new)

Michele bookloverforever (lovebooks14) | 1966 comments Lobstergirl wrote: "With this ring I thee wed, in sickness and in health, but especially in sickness given that our medical expenses in 2012 will undoubtedly exceed 7.5% of our AGI, with or without your mortgage inter..."

medical expenses? Hey, for me sometimes it is a choice between eating, medications and actually seeing the doctor: what can I afford this month??


message 18: by Mandee (new)

Mandee (amandalinajanel) | 9 comments Lobstergirl wrote: "With this ring I thee wed, in sickness and in health, but especially in sickness given that our medical expenses in 2012 will undoubtedly exceed 7.5% of our AGI, with or without your mortgage inter..."

Hah!

I'm a child of divorced parents. I don't plan on getting married. Not anti-marriage, though, just don't feel like I need to, at this point in my life anyway. Maybe ever.

Lobstergirl wrote: "If marriage is becoming obsolete, what are the gays yammering on about? Oh yeah, civil and legal benefits. Marriage will never become obsolete as long as couples benefit civilly and legally. The..."

Exactly.
And I'm all for the gay peeps getting those benefits too.


message 19: by Joanne (new)

Joanne (Bonfiggi) I had a bad first marriage, and a great second one. The triumph of hope over experience.


message 20: by Sally, la reina (new)

Sally (MrsNolte) | 17276 comments Mod
I like being married.


message 21: by Sarah (new)

Sarah | 13812 comments I'd sure like those benefits. What LG said.


message 22: by Jim (new)

Jim | 6485 comments I'm sad that you can't Sarah.

I like being married too.


message 23: by Dr. Detroit (new)

Dr. Detroit | 5907 comments Getting married is the best thing I ever did. Don't wait for the punch line. There isn't one.


message 24: by smetchie (new)

smetchie | 4010 comments I like being married, too. I also like the benefits. There are tons of things I never even knew about. Like when I rent a car my husband is automatically covered to drive it. I can make all sorts of changes to paperwork type things just by being a spouse. It's really stupid to me that you can't legally designate whoever the fuck you want as your spouse.


message 25: by smetchie (new)

smetchie | 4010 comments (I mean as long as it's alright with the other person of course. I didn't mean to sound like you should just point to someone and go "YOU! You shall be my spouse. I have spoken. Let it be done.)


message 26: by Charlotte (new)

Charlotte Creech | 100 comments I got pregnant at 31 and married at 32. Sometimes I wish I hadn't gotten married. Not that my husband isn't a great guy, I'm just not sure that either of us got married because we really wanted to, more than we felt like we had to.


message 27: by ms.petra (new)

ms.petra (mspetra) | 3227 comments if I met the right person, I would give it another try.


message 28: by Phil (new)

Phil | 11395 comments smetchie wrote: "(I mean as long as it's alright with the other person of course. I didn't mean to sound like you should just point to someone and go "YOU! You shall be my spouse. I have spoken. Let it be done.)"

Have you met Warren Jeffs? That's his method, exactly.


message 29: by RandomAnthony (new)

RandomAnthony | 14536 comments Sarah, I have an idea for a movie. You and I would both be single but you would have a girlfriend. And we would need to get married for some reason, like you need to stay in the country or have to convince your parents you're in a relationship because you don't want to hurt your grandmother's feelings or whatever. And I agree because, I don't know, you offer to let me stay at your house and I'm sort of a cool Owen Wilson (but cooler) irresponsible type and I just got fired from my record store job because I criticized a customer's tastes and danced on the counter in my underwear. And so we go to a foreign country, maybe, to get married (because I want to surf) and we meet twin hot Balinese girls, one of whom loves you and one of whom loves me. And all sort of whacky hijinks ensue, with, like, one of us walking in on each other naked and our trying to convince your parents that we make out a lot and my parents that I'm really a responsible grown up and not a loser. And then through the magic of the third half of the movie your girlfriend convinces your family you're really in love and my girlfriend convinces my family I'm responsible and we have a, wait for it, DOUBLE wedding on the beach in Bali.

That won't get you benefits, though. But it still would an ok movie, as long as it didn't star Katherine Heigl.


message 30: by Jonathan (new)

Jonathan Lopez | 4728 comments Sounds like a good scenario, RA. But you have to work in a few fart jokes, a sub-plot involving mistaken identity, and perhaps some cross-dressing.

As for marriage, I agree with Clark--best thing I ever did. But I have friends and family members for whom marriage has been a living hell, so it's not for everybody. I count my blessings.


message 31: by janine (new)

janine | 7715 comments RandomAnthony wrote: "Sarah, I have an idea for a movie. You and I would both be single but you would have a girlfriend. And we would need to get married for some reason, like you need to stay in the country or have t..."

i'd pay to see that.


message 32: by Félix (new)

Félix (habitseven) What's wrong with Katherine Heigl?


message 33: by smetchie (new)

smetchie | 4010 comments UGH!


message 34: by RandomAnthony (new)

RandomAnthony | 14536 comments She's snotty, annoying, and weirdly self-righteous.


message 35: by smetchie (new)

smetchie | 4010 comments Thanks for articulating, RA.


message 36: by Félix (new)

Félix (habitseven) Oh.


message 37: by RandomAnthony (new)

RandomAnthony | 14536 comments Jonathan wrote: "Sounds like a good scenario, RA. But you have to work in a few fart jokes, a sub-plot involving mistaken identity, and perhaps some cross-dressing.


You're right! I also forgot that Sarah's original girlfriend would be mean to her and I would think Sarah deserves better, and tell her so while I was strumming an acoustic guitar, and she would storm out, after calling me a loser, and then a montage would follow of us both looking forlorn while (shudder) a slow Jack Johnson song about love plays on the soundtrack.


message 38: by Félix (new)

Félix (habitseven) I want to see that movie made.


message 39: by Jammies (new)

Jammies Oooh, and Bun could write it!


message 40: by Dr. Detroit (new)

Dr. Detroit | 5907 comments smetchie wrote: "UGH!"


Clark and Smetchie. Separated at birth?


message 41: by Sarah (new)

Sarah | 13812 comments Good gravy.

I think this is an entertaining and promising concept, except
a)How come you're the one playing guitar?
b)Just to clarify, it would be the actors playing us onscreen, say Owen Wilson and Yvonne Strahovski, who would see each other naked, right?
c)NO JACK JOHNSON


message 42: by Sarah (new)

Sarah | 13812 comments I read an article the other day about a woman who was paralyzed when she fell into a pool at her bridal shower. After the accident, she and her fiance had to choose not to get married after all because his income was high enough to disqualify her from SSI benefits, but wasn't enough to cover her medical bills.


message 43: by Barb (last edited Nov 24, 2010 11:34AM) (new)

Barb Weddings are expensive - and I for one have many better things to do with my money than dole out the cash for even the cheapest of them ... I'm not saying never, I'm just saying it's way down there on my list. If I had a money tree in the backyard, that would be a different story.


message 44: by Barb (last edited Nov 24, 2010 11:48AM) (new)

Barb Where's option 3?
My relationship is neither impermanent or driving me into poverty ...

... and just because we're missing that official piece of paperwork, does not mean we're not committed to our relationship - good times and bad.
Why is it a common assumption that you're not in a committed / long-term relationship if you're not married?


message 45: by Sarah (new)

Sarah | 13812 comments I haven't read that one, but I love Stephanie Coonts. She's written some great social histories.


message 46: by Sarah (new)

Sarah | 13812 comments That makes sense.


message 47: by Barb (last edited Nov 24, 2010 12:34PM) (new)

Barb BunWat wrote: "Also the American Law Institute is recommending extending some spousal rights to cohabitating couples."

Wait a second ... the US doesn't have common-law marriage?


message 48: by Barb (new)

Barb BunWat wrote: "Oh also, I should clarify, part of what the article was saying was that in the US at least, its much easier to get and stay married if you have a higher paying job simply because higher income earn..."

Yes, this all makes sense.


message 49: by Barb (new)

Barb Huh. I thought you had similar laws down there ... I have (I think) ALL the benefits of legal marriage.


message 50: by Michele (new)

Michele bookloverforever (lovebooks14) | 1966 comments I would like to point out that it is a lot easier to divorce when you are poor and there are no assets to split. Divorce gets complicated the richer you are. Could it simply be that those with more assets choose to live separate lives in the same house rather than splitting up the assets?


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