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A.F. (scribe77) | 1429 comments Mod
Want feedback for your writing? Post it here.


Joshua (JoshuaCaleb) | 13 comments I welcome any and all feedback:) check my book out Warped & Wired: The Wryter Chronicles: book 1, or find it on my website www.TheWryterChronicles.com I offer free ebooks to anyone who would like to review it


Nicole (goodreadscomnicole_mukes) | 1 comments I'm new to this group and would love some feedback on my new poem posted on my profile page. Gracias, New Orleans! It's the first poem I've ever written. I'm hoping to get better with this form of writing. Thanks! Nicole Mukes


A.F. (scribe77) | 1429 comments Mod
Nicole wrote: "I'm new to this group and would love some feedback on my new poem posted on my profile page. Gracias, New Orleans! It's the first poem I've ever written. I'm hoping to get better with this form of ..."

It was a well-written poem.


Dan Schwartz (banocanut) Hello, I offer free PDFs of anyone who would like to review my books. I have three so far and more information can be found on my website http://www.banocanut.com

I write more on the comical side of life. If interested message me on Goodreads or send an email to the email listed on my website. Thank you.


Randy | 5 comments I would like some feedback on my Amazon bio. Is the bio too "heavy." I guess I'm looking for something different.

http://www.amazon.com/Randy-Kadish/e/...

Thanks,
Randy


A.F. (scribe77) | 1429 comments Mod
Randy wrote: "I would like some feedback on my Amazon bio. Is the bio too "heavy." I guess I'm looking for something different.

http://www.amazon.com/Randy-Kadish/e/...

Thanks,
R..."


I read the bio and I thought it was very engaging.
The only advice I can give is that you might want to think about tweaking the first paragraph a little to make the sentence structure a bit tighter.


Randy | 5 comments A. F. Thanks so much for your help.

Randy


Pamela (AtomicEmpress) | 3 comments Where is a good place to put work up so we can link it for here?


Randy | 5 comments I guess you can try authorsden.com


A.F. (scribe77) | 1429 comments Mod
Pamela wrote: "Where is a good place to put work up so we can link it for here?"

Pamela, you can post your writing on your Goodreads profile and link it back here, or post a new topic in our Reading Nook.


Lena Hillbrand (LenaHillbrandauthorTheSuperiors) | 24 comments Mine is short, so i'm just going to post it here. hope that's okay. it's my book synopsis, I just never got it to feel quite right to me. Any suggestions?

Two hundred years after a stronger, faster, nearly invincible race takes over the earth, the Superiors rule humanity with scorn and an iron fist—or iron fangs. Though Superiors raise humans simply as livestock to sate their hunger and sustain their immortal lives, Draven Castle, a discontented, lower-class Superior, will never have the funds to purchase his own human.

One night Draven captures Cali, a human runaway, and defies society’s strict laws by feeding on her. The continuing consequences of this one small criminal act forever alter the course of his mundane life. Draven returns Cali, but she has already ensnared his interest. He tries to protect her but finds himself helpless to stop other vampires from feeding on her, so he vows to purchase her, no matter the cost. Soon he begins to take more and more risks to ensure her safety and gain possession of her. But can he risk everything for the chance to own one human girl?


A.F. (scribe77) | 1429 comments Mod
Lena wrote: "Mine is short, so i'm just going to post it here. hope that's okay. it's my book synopsis, I just never got it to feel quite right to me. Any suggestions?

Two hundred years after a stronger, fas..."


I think you need a little more punch in the beginning.

Here's an example:
Two hundred years have passed since a nearly invincible race, the Superiors, conquered the earth. They rule humanity with scorn and an iron fist—and iron fangs. Humans are simply livestock to sate their hunger and sustain their immortal lives.

Draven Castle, is a lower-class Superior, who will never have the funds to purchase his own human. He is discontented with his life, until the one night when Draven captures Cali, a human runaway. He defies society’s strict laws by feeding on her and finds the continuing consequences of this one small criminal act forever alter the course of his mundane life. Draven returns Cali, but she has already ensnared his interest. He tries to protect her but finds himself helpless to stop other vampires from feeding on her, so he vows to purchase her, no matter the cost.

Soon he begins to take more and more risks to ensure her safety and gain possession of her. But can he risk everything for the chance to own one human girl?


Baxter Trautman Nice, A.F.! Ever considered a career writing the dreaded query letter?


A.F. (scribe77) | 1429 comments Mod
Baxter wrote: "Nice, A.F.! Ever considered a career writing the dreaded query letter?"

I wish. I could use some extra cash.


Leonard (LeonardSeet) | 12 comments I wrote a short story called The Accident. Any comments to improve on it would be much appreciated. Thank you.

http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/2...


A.F. (scribe77) | 1429 comments Mod
Leonard wrote: "I wrote a short story called The Accident. Any comments to improve on it would be much appreciated. Thank you.

http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/2..."


I read The Accident and the first thing I noticed was that you need more puncuation. Both your first and second paragragh are run-on sentences.

Watch for odd word parings: In the second paragraph you describe using the words "fickle gusts". those two words do not compliment each other; they clash. Words should flow, not go "what the..."

You have a wonderful way with descriptive passages, but sometimes less is more. You don't want to lose the impact of the scene in flowery, beautiful words. And perhaps cut back on the similes; stick more to straight, emotional description.

Your plotline was not coming through clearly. I'm not entirely certain what happened in the story and in what order.

Now, I would also like to say, I think you have a nice feel for a scene, and a great sense of the poetic.


Erika aslysA | 4 comments This is a story that I have recently finished. I am looking for somebody's honest opinion on it and some things I can improve on :)

http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/2...


message 19: by A.F. (last edited Jun 09, 2011 08:29AM) (new)

A.F. (scribe77) | 1429 comments Mod
Lydia wrote: "This is a story that I have recently finished. I am looking for somebody's honest opinion on it and some things I can improve on :)

http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/2..."


I read the Prologue and I think you have an interesting, colourful fantasy story and a great plotline, but the narrative is a bit passive. Lose words such as "seemed like", "however" and "was". You may not be able to rewrite out every instance, but you should get rid of as many as possible.

And you need to show the action, not simply recite it, by making your sentences stronger.

An Example:
Your sentence: "She wrote down how all the uses of the powers, all she knew about the Dark Riders, and other important things."
A reworking: "She transcribed her knowledge, all the ways of her powers, the lore of the Dark Riders, and other matters of importantance on to parchment. She infused every stroke of the ink on paper with her anger."


Erika aslysA | 4 comments Thanks for the advice :)


A.F. (scribe77) | 1429 comments Mod
Lydia wrote: "Thanks for the advice :)"

You're welcome. Hope it didn't sound to critcal.


Leonard (LeonardSeet) | 12 comments A. F. wrote: "Leonard wrote: "I wrote a short story called The Accident. Any comments to improve on it would be much appreciated. Thank you.

http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/2..."

I read..."


A.F.,

Thank you for the comments. I'll work on impriving the piece, especially relating to your 1st point.

As for the "fickle gusts," I was trying to convery the wind changing directions rapidly.


message 23: by [deleted user] (last edited Jun 19, 2011 11:07PM) (new)

Okay here is the link to my story called "Arise" hope to hear from you guys. Positive or Negative feedback I could carelees but please be considerate of my feelings I'm new at this.

http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/2...


A.F. (scribe77) | 1429 comments Mod
Misty wrote: "Okay here is the link to my story called "Arise" hope to hear from you guys. Positive or Negative feedback I could carelees but please be considerate of my feelings I'm new at this.

http://www..."


I checked out your story, Misty, and the first thing I want to say is I loved, loved the premise. The whole vampire vs. demons idea is great.
I read over the prologue and you have a nice take on the characters and you started off with a good action packed scene which hooked me as a reader.

You did however, lean a little too much on passive description (a common problem among writers) with the dreaded word "was" peppering your sentences.
An example:
You wrote; "It was the late winter of 1993 in Memphis, Tennessee. A car was racing through the night streets at high speeds."
A possible rewrite: "In the late winter of 1993, in Memphis, Tennessee, a car raced through the night streets at high speeds. "


By using the word "was" you are distancing the reader from the action. You need to put them more in the middle of things. Now, you can't eliminate all the "was" words, but try and get as many as possible.

Also, you were missing periods from much of your dialogue and you don't really need the dialogue tags (it's a good idea to avoid the "he/she said" tags unless you need to clarify who is speaking):

Example:
You wrote: "Slow down Marcus, don't forget that our child is in the backseat" the woman said.
It would be better as: "Slow down Marcus, don't forget that our child is in the backseat."


Another thing about the dialogue, I found in a few places it seemed a bit young sounding for the characters. Even assuming you want it targeted at a Young Adult audience, dialogue has to read like the character would speak it in the situation. I find the best way to judge this is to read the dialogue passages out loud and see how they sound.

I hope I haven't been too critical, because I did like the story and I think you have talent for telling a a good tale.


Elle Lapraim | 30 comments I posted this in another section but it might be worth mentioning here. There is a website where they will review your work for $5. Might be worth taking a look at.

http://fiverr.com/users/fatcat1


Mhairi Simpson (mhairisimpson) | 142 comments Elle wrote: "I posted this in another section but it might be worth mentioning here. There is a website where they will review your work for $5. Might be worth taking a look at.

http://fiverr.com/users/fatcat1"


I appreciate the spirit of your gesture, but a critique isn't the same as a review, so this is probably best left to the review section.


message 27: by [deleted user] (new)

A. F. wrote: "Misty wrote: "Okay here is the link to my story called "Arise" hope to hear from you guys. Positive or Negative feedback I could carelees but please be considerate of my feelings I'm new at this.
..."


Thanks for your input...and you weren't too critical at all. As long isn't anything that is meant to hurt my feelings. I learn from both positive and negative feedback as long as the feedbacker isn't trying to bash my feelings and make me consider my opinion in being a writer.I hope you read more of it was I get more chapters posted up.


A.F. (scribe77) | 1429 comments Mod
Misty wrote: "A. F. wrote: "Misty wrote: "Okay here is the link to my story called "Arise" hope to hear from you guys. Positive or Negative feedback I could carelees but please be considerate of my feelings I'm ..."

Just let me know when they're posted.


Patrick Doleman (shadowslayer) | 20 comments Hey guys here's a link to my zombie novel Chronicles of the Apocalypse: Zombies Rising, read, comment, let me know what you think. If you see any mistakes don't hesitate to bring them to my attention. I've been writing for five years but I'm still fresh at it.

http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/2...


A.F. (scribe77) | 1429 comments Mod
I posted an excerpt over at another Goodreads group and I could use some input:
http://www.goodreads.com/topic/show/632055-gothic-cavalcade


Erika aslysA | 4 comments I have something new that I've been working on and would love feedback!

http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/2...


Maxim Herndon (Max_TheRussian_Herndon) | 5 comments This is a series I'm working on. Advice is welcome!

http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/2...


message 33: by G. (new)

G. Bell (gjanebell) I would love some feedback on my mystery novel
http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/12...
you can download a free sample at smashwords and i can send you a free one if you would like to do a review!


Laekan Kemp Hey everyone!! I'm Laekan and I'm working on revising my first novel. It follows a young woman as she returns to Argentina after years of living in the U.S. where she and her family sought refuge from the Dirty War. It's all about her discovering what really happened to her mother, who mysteriously disappeared during the height of the war and how this one thread of truth basically unravels her entire life and who she thought she was. In my opinion it crosses over between adult and young adult fiction but it is really different and I'm having trouble figuring out where exactly my book will fit in.

Would anyone out there be willing to exchange emails with me and critique my manuscript? I've queried some agents but haven't recieved news from anyone who's interested. It's about 50,000 words which is about 90 pages in a word document.

I would be more than happy to exchange a critique with other writers out there looking for the same thing.

If you want to read a sample of my work to see if it's something you might be interested in reading, I have a short story posted on my goodreads account.

Thanks!!!!


message 35: by G. (new)

G. Bell (gjanebell) Looking for a review of my book Red MoonRed Moon (Dark Moon Series, # 1). I offer FREE copies to anyone who wants to do a review.
Thanks!
feel free to message me :)


A.F. (scribe77) | 1429 comments Mod
Just a note about the requests for reviews posted here: You might get more response if you post your request in the Review Folder. This topic was set up more for Works-In-Progress.


Agent S.D. | 3 comments I'd really appreciate some criticism for this short story: http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/2...


A.F. (scribe77) | 1429 comments Mod
Sarah wrote: "I'd really appreciate some criticism for this short story: http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/2..."

I liked the story, especially the eye with a mind of its own. It was quirky and fun.

But I did notice a couple of things:
This line: "I felt like a zombie crawling out of a grave." Why would an alien reference zombies, a clearly human concept? It also happens here when you mention mermaids- "Nimeriniens are as close as you can get to mermaids." These obviously human references by aliens seemed odd to me.

You seemed to call both the language/people and the place "Nimerinien"; not necessarily bad, but it might get confusing. You may want to conder somthing like "Nimerinien" and "Nimerina" for language and place.

I didn't quite understand this line: "Some people would make jokes that we weren’t evolved enough, and one day we would lose our gills due to not having the need for them, but I doubt this will ever happen." If they were spending time in the water why would they lose their gills?


Agent S.D. | 3 comments A.F. wrote: "Sarah wrote: "I'd really appreciate some criticism for this short story: http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/2..."

I liked the story, especially the eye with a m..."


Thank you very much! I'm going to make some corrections right now. Thanks again for pointing those out to me.


A.F. (scribe77) | 1429 comments Mod
Sarah wrote: "A.F. wrote: "Sarah wrote: "I'd really appreciate some criticism for this short story: http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/2..."

I liked the story, especially the e..."


You're welcome. Sometimes it can be tricky getting things like that just right when writing sci-fi or fantasy.


Maxim Herndon (Max_TheRussian_Herndon) | 5 comments Hey eeerreeebody! SO im writing a new book if you've seen the movie Coraline, its a sequel type of it! Im working on chapter 2. Leave a comment on what you think? or any ideas to help my other Alice book?

here the link to both stories
http://www.goodreads.com/story/list/6...


message 42: by Charles (last edited Mar 17, 2012 12:04PM) (new)

Charles I would like some feedback not so much on my writing (though of course any comments would be welcome) but on my use of my blog to serialize some of my novels. If you go to http://ocotilloarts.com/blog you will see the latest one which is running, volume 2 of a 6 volume cycle of science fiction novels under the general title of E. Vol 2 is Crossing Over; the first one, Last and First Men, finished a few weeks ago. When it was done I offered it as an e-book. (If you want to see the e-book go to http://ocotilloarts.com/blog/?p=1497 ) If you go to the associated website you will find yet another version, the original artists book, in pdf. The website just doodles along -- the perennial interest is in other texts entirely (a walking tour of Paris 1952, a book on artists books, a bibliography of translations, a book about detective fiction). There were 22 downloads of the e-books the day after the offer. But when the first serial was over the human visitors to my blog dropped by half, and when I started the new one the numbers went back up. I never intended to get into the magazine business. It would take up all my time if I let it, especially with advertisement, finding stuff to improve the site (I just figured out how to add a Facebook button) etc. Would you read/follow this thing? Why? Is there something wrong with it? Right? Is it the writing?


message 43: by Lj (new)

Lj Editing | 1 comments Hey everyone I just wanted to post a link to our website where we offer really affordable editing services!
http://ljediting.blogspot.com/


message 44: by A.F. (last edited Mar 29, 2012 05:32AM) (new)

A.F. (scribe77) | 1429 comments Mod
Lj wrote: "Hey everyone I just wanted to post a link to our website where we offer really affordable editing services!
http://ljediting.blogspot.com/"


I appreciate the desire to help, but this folder is to ask for a critique of Works-In-Progress, not for editing services. If you would like to offer your editing service, please make a new topic in the Marketing and Promotion Folder.


Blacerry Reese | 7 comments Here's my story! Please tell me if it's nice or if I have to improve. :)

http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/2...


Destiny (Elizabeth Grace) (elizabeth_grace) | 44 comments I have written a short story, and I'd love critiques - both constructively negative and positive!


Inordinate


After the door shut and the footsteps died I curled in on myself and collapsed against the carpet. The tears I'd been trying to hold back gave way to the silence and soon they caked my face like a second skin. My gasping sobs tore through the chilly night air. I hugged my thin jacket closer to my body and pushed myself up by my elbow, leaning against the solid door.

How could he be gone? How could something so simple as a gunshot rip the ties that held us together?

I bit my tongue to keep from crying more. Tucking a strand of dark hair behind my ear, I struggled to my feet and wobbled across the darkly lit room in my gray stilettos. My dress snagged on one of the heels and tore a slit down the side. But I still managed to make it to the mirror on the opposite wall, resting a hand to the side of it to keep my balance.

I’d come to this room, our usual rendezvous point, about an hour earlier dressed up and ready for my secret outing with Brian. I waited and waited, barely noticing the minutes ticking on the little clock by the wide-open window. I knew he’d come.

I thought he’d come.

But that was before the man in uniform knocked on the door and told me Brian had been murdered.

How could this be happening? My sweet, sweet Brian Loffley. My protector and my lover. My dark haired knight who rode his shining steed to my rescue whenever I needed him.

One hand cupped my chin while the other stroked my wind-blown hair. Brian’s beautiful face softened as my eyes began to dampen. I couldn’t stop staring. At his eyes, at his lips, at the slight stubble on his chin. Our faces moved together by an unseen force. His lips were as soft as I’d imagined and I wrapped my arms around his neck as he kissed me for the very first time, standing on the rooftop of my mother’s apartment.

A sob racked my body and I yelled for all Heaven and Hell to hear. I yelled at Fate, at Love, at the mirror in front of me, and at the bullet that pierced Brian’s heart.

My heart.

I clenched my teeth and clawed at the lock to the side of my disheveled reflection, letting it swing open to reveal the small dagger I always kept hidden on the shelf behind the mirror in case of emergencies. I wrapped my trembling fingers around its hilt and backed away cautiously.

Brian and I were sprawled on the checkered picnic blanket in the park. My head rested in the crook of his shoulder.

Placing the sharpened point against my chest, over my heart, I whispered a vow to Brian:

“I told you I couldn’t live without you.”

“I can’t live without you, Brian.” He pushed a strand of hair away from my face and smiled at me.

“And I still can’t! I can’t bear the thought of going one more minute without hearing your voice!”

“Sure you can,” he whispered, his lips tickling my ear.

“So this is something I have to do.” I took a deep breath and tried to calm myself. “I have to do this. For you, Brian.”

I nuzzled closer and he pulled me tighter against him.

“For us!”

“Never let me go?” I asked, reaching a hand to his jaw.

“I love you,” I whispered to the empty darkness. I pressed the dagger closer and watched in horror as a small stream of blood trickled down my dress.

He twined his fingers with mine. “Never.”

“Sophia!” a voice called.

My blood grew cold in my veins.

The voice was Brian’s. My Brian.

The dagger cluttered to the floor as I spun around, abandoning my attempts.

Standing on the ridge of the open window, one hand on the frame and the other outstretched, was Brian.

For a minute I just stood in the center of the room staring at him, too stunned to move.

“Sophia,” he repeated softly, leaping from the windowsill to land on the carpet with a soft thump.

My heart contracted in my chest and I ran to him without thinking. He placed his hands on my waist and spun me around in the air, just like he used to when he was alive.

When he was alive.

I quickly pushed myself away from him. “But – but you’re dead!” I pointed a shaky finger at him accusingly.

He held up his hands in surrender and the corner of his mouth tugged upward. “That doesn’t seem to be the case to me.” He tried to take a step closer but I stumbled backwards, keeping a painful but necessary distance between us.

I shook my head violently. “A police officer came to my door and told me you died. You were shot and killed. How do you plan to explain yourself?”

Brian – or the figment of my overactive imagination – sighed. It was the first glimpse he’d shown me of any sorrow he possessed.

“I’m not going to try to explain, because I don’t quite understand what happened back there myself.”

I bit the inside of my lip and tried my hardest not to falter.

“Who are you?” I croaked.

“Brian Loffley,” he declared. “Protector and lover of Sophia O’Donnell.” Seeing my unyielding expression, he tried to prove he was who he said he was, “I met you on March second at the zoo by the water park. April thirteenth I kissed you for the first time. The next day was our first date and on June twentieth we were married in the church by the stream, meeting in the dead of night to evade your mother.”

“You may now kiss the bride,” the priest pronounced. Brian bent to kiss me and I closed my eyes, welcoming the fireworks behind my eyelids.

My emotional wall crumbled and I fainted, waking in Brain’s strong arms. I smiled up at his shining face and stroked his stubble with the back of my hand.

“Is it really you? Or have I already killed myself and this is merely a dream before the afterlife?”

He laughed and it was the most breathtaking sound in the world.

“Never let me go?” I asked breathlessly.

“Never.”


Jackie (MajorBookworm14) | 3 comments I would love to have critiques on all of my stories, but I'm trying to push Half Way There in the mainstream.

http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/2...


Destiny (Elizabeth Grace) (elizabeth_grace) | 44 comments I have now posted a story on my page and I'd rather the comments for it go there. Feedback - both negative and positive, though all constructive - is needed!!

http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/3...


Destiny (Elizabeth Grace) (elizabeth_grace) | 44 comments I posted two more pieces! The first is my book Something Else Entirely.

Fifteen year old Jade Toscano must learn how to recreate her life and her own self after she survives a crash that kills the rest of her family. Two unlikely friends - the bad boy, and the boy next door - request her acceptance of them, but Jade has to first come to terms with herself and her past. Or maybe one of them can morph her life into something else entirely.

Here's the link to that:

http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/3...

The second is the first edition in a short story series I'm writing called The Symptom, The Disease, and The Cure. This one is the Symptom. Link:

http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/3...

Please read and share the links with your friends because I need as much feedback and as many critiques as you can possibly fit into a few short pages :) Both positive AND negative comments can be made. Yes, if you hated it, TELL ME. But also tell me what you hated so I can improve my writing. That's what this is all about isn't it? So come read my writing and help me become an author! :D


Kevin (KevinHallock) | 42 comments I don't know if this is the best place to post this, but I'm preparing to release my first short story (Dead Doughboy Walking) and would like comments on its descriptive blurb:

Cecil loved life in the trenches as a doughboy. The dullness of a blood-stained blade. The thud of a bullet finding flesh. The exhilaration of rushing over the top. But as much as he loved his job, he loved his girl more. So after winning the war, he was headed home to Edna and they were going to be happily married.

Except Cecil woke up without a body.

Now, Cecil’s mind must navigate a wasteland of memories, crawl into a new body, and get back to Edna before it’s too late. Unfortunately, his best friend’s body is the first one he finds. It’s Cecil vs. Horace and Edna is the prize.

Dead Doughboy Walking is a Sojourning Souls short story.


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