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President Bush was at a small, small airport and noticed a man standing there. He said to the secret service man "That guy over there looks like Moses".
The agent agreed the guy fit the bill--long beard; staff, sandals, robe, wise demeanor and so on.
So President Bush asked him "Are You Moses?" The gentleman looked at him but did not answer.
Bush walked back to his seat, saying "I still think he looks like Moses"
So the secret servie agent walked over. "Are you Moses?" "Yes, I am" the man replied.
"Well, how come you did not answer the President when he asked you?"
"Listen, friend, the last time I talked to a bush, I ended up wandering forty years in the desert..."
The lady told her husband "I feel odd". He suggested she go to the doctor.
The doctor came out after the exam and said "That's odd". "What's odd?' " You're going to have a baby!"
The woman replied "At my age? How odd!" She went home to tell her husband and he also agreed that was really odd.
So the child, a healthy boy,waas duly born. His parents, though kind, really were unimaginative so the named the boy Odd.
He hated it. The kids at school made his life miserable teasing him about his name. The week the spent learning even and odd numbers was really horrible for him. And of course, later in life, he never married...who would like to intorduce herself and say, "Hi, I'm Mrs. Odd....."
As he grew older, he was determined that this problem was not going to follow him to the afterlife. So when he died,he left strict instructions....
Poor fellow. It backfired on him. People visinting the cemetary would see the tombstone with the date of birth and date of death but no name and say:
"THAT'S ODD!"
I typed it all out, but it doesn't do it any justice, so I'll tell this one instead:
A man goes into a bar (funny how my jokes start out with someone going into a bar....)
And he starts doing shots. After awhile he gets pretty cocky with the bartender and bets him $100 that he can put a shot glass down in front of him and piss in it without spilling a drop.
the bartender looks at this guy and thinks no way
"you're on" he says
The drunk puts the shot glass down and whizzes right into it, doesn't spill a drop.
The bartender whistles, "wow that's something" and pays the man.
Later in the night, the same drunk comes over, after having a few more drinks, and bets the bartender another $100 that he can put the shot glass at one end of the bar and stand at the other, whizz and not miss a drop.
The bartender thinks no friken way can he do that...
"you're on"
The drunk assumes the position and pisses all over the bar, gets it everywhere except the shot glass
The bartender is happy, smacks his hands together and tells the guy to pay up
"guess you're not feeling so hot now are you?" he says to the drunk
The drunk just smiles and says "I bet those guys over there $100 each that I could piss all over your bar and you wouldn't get mad..."
no seriously, there is "sign language" to this joke, ok I'll try, but before I get into this one, I hope nobody gets offened here....
Jamie wrote: "All my jokes are better told as visuals, I have a really good one about a soldier and an Indian in a fox hole, but that has to be a visual.."We're watching...........go ahead. :-)
All my jokes are better told as visuals, I have a really good one about a soldier and an Indian in a fox hole, but that has to be a visual..
That's a good one. :PQ. Why couldn't the Buddhist vacuum in corners?
A. Because he had no attachments.
--------------------------
Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
I don't think I saw this one posted:
A woman walks into a bar and sits down. She looks down the bar at a line of drunk men and raises her hand to get their attention.
"Which one of y'all want to buy me a drink?" she says
The drunks quickly look away because as she raised her hand to hail their attention, she had armpit hair growing out of control, in globs and all nasty.
The drunkest man at the end of the bar looks at his fellows and says "I'll buy that pretty ballerina a drink"
The bartender looks at him, shrugs and pours the lady a glass.
After a few the lady does the same thing, raises her arm and asks whose gonna buy her a drink. The drunks avert their eyes elsewhere except the drunkest man at the end who replies "I'll buy the pretty ballerina a drink"
Again, the bartender looks at him and pours the drink.
Again the lady raises her hand and asks her request and again the drunkest man responds.
The bartender walks over to the drunk and says
"excuse me, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?"
The drunk looks at him and says
"well shit, anyone who can get their leg up that high HAS to be a ballerina..."
=D fun times.. on the subject constipation i recommend: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vL3EzP5K0... there a group from the ren fair, pretty funny.. im sure the song was written by someone else though..
Well, did you hear about the constipated accountant?... He couldn't budget.
I think I need to add "scatological punny jokes" to my interests.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J-zFQ9fOT...Rice is great when you're hungry and want 2,000 of something.
*tears*
this is another oldie but goody, from an English show called 'the mighty boosh', this clip, maybe a bit long but i like it, its about an obscure sea monster called Old Greg. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I0sFkFgba... hope you like it..
im going to try a link from youtube this time.. ive been rewatching a lot of them that i have in the past so ill share one or two.. i hope this is relateable to everyone; its a mockumentary based on 'to catch a predator' about a certain group of people in college.. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3zvTRQr7n... i'm pretty sure this isn't safe for work to give a heads up.. ;)
i don't know if people read/like these joke i put up; or if i'm dominating this thread (i only do one a day) but here's one that made me laugh, hope you like it.. One day the Sunday school teacher asked what part of the body went to heaven first.
Susie said, "Your heart, 'cause you need it to love."
Richie said, "Your head, 'cause you need it to think."
Little Johnny raised his hand and the teacher called on him reluctantly. Little Johnny said, "Your feet."
Confused, the teacher asked why.
Johnny replied, "When I walked past my mom's room last night, she had her feet in the air and was screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming, I'm coming!"
heh that was a good one =) here's mine for the day..
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!", says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asks.
"Now what?", responds the patron.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!"
A contribution from my eight-year-old daughter:A banana and a cigarette are walking down the road:
Banana: "People strip my clothes off and then they eat me!"
Cigarette: "That's nothing: they set my head on fire and then they suck my butt."
God: Men, what car you get in Heaven will depend on how faithful you were to your wives on Earth.Man 1: Please God, I can't count how many times I cheated on my wife. There were just too many beautiful women on Earth, and I had to have them all.
God: I am ashamed of you, my man, For that, I give you a run-down truck that barely moves.
Man 2: Dear God, please forgive me! I cheated on my wife once, just once! We were going through problems and I took the wrong turn. Please forgive me!
God: My man, I am ashmed of you too. But I will be kinder to you. For that, I give you a convertible BMW.
Man 3: Dear God, you will be so proud of me. I loved and worshipped my wife. I brought her roses everyday after work, I brought her gifts every aniversary, and we went travelling, and had dinner out 3 times a week, and...
God: Okay, my man, enough! I get the point. I am very proud of you! For that, I give you any car you desire!
Two weeks later Man 1 and 2 are driving on the freeway when they see Man 3 ahead of them, stopped in the middle of the road in his Black Jaguar.
Man 1 and 2: Hey Man! Why are you sitting in your car and crying your eyes out? You're acting like some ungrateful bugger! Look at your car, man! What is your problem?!
Man 3: "I just saw my wife on rollerskates!
actually i haven't written the jokes myself i should say.. some i've heard, some i've seen on the internet..
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately.When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender, clearly in trouble. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."
A guy is sitting at a bar, throwing back glass after glass of scotch. The bartender, a little worried, asks him if he's okay. "No, I'm not," the guy replies."I just caught my wife in bed with my best friend."
"Well," asks the bartender, "what did you say to your wife?"
"Nothing. I'm not speaking to that bitch anymore."
"Well, what did you say to your best friend?"
"BAD DOG! BAD DOG!"
Okay, I've read about half of these and they're definitely getting my day off to a good start. But since I didn't read them all, I hope this isn't a repeat.Did you hear about the orgy in the campground?
It was fucking intense.
Three doctor4s are having a discussion in the hospital cafeteria.
The First doctor says "I really try to be a good person and I hate my faults. But, I just keep seeing my head nurse behinds my wife's back".
The second doctor says " I know. Temtation can be so strong. I always overbill my patients, and hate myself for it later."
The third doctor chimed in" "Yes, we all have our faults. Me--I never could keep a secret...."
Three men, a doctor, a lawyer, and a biker were sitting in a bar talking over a few drinks.After a sip of his Martini, the doctor said, "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I bought my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure if she doesn't like the diamond ring, then at least she will like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her."
After finishing his scotch, the lawyer said, "Well, on my last anniversary, I bought my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, then at least she would have enjoyed the trip, and she would have known that I loved her."
The biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said, "Yeah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a t-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the t-shirt, then she could go screw herself."
