Virtual L Sex

By Richard Medugno
© 2007

Characters:

MS. BARKER, a middle-aged woman
JAX, a young man
YAO, a young man
ANGELA, a young woman

Setting:

The year is 2035. MS. BARKER wears a leather outfit and high heels and carries a horse crop. She looks to be a cross between a ringmaster and a dominatrix. She paces in front of a store in a mall, like a tiger ready to pounce at anytime. The store has a flashy sign that reads: “Virtue L Sex.” There’s banner in the window that reads: “Mannequin of Your Dreams.” Other signs read: “Computerized, Ultranet-Enabled Life-sized Sex Dolls” and “Skin that feels real!”

MS. BARKER
(speaking to audience)
It‘s here. It‘s now. Sex without fear. Let me show you how. It‘s here. It‘s wow. Let me show you how. Get your safe sex here. You can do it now. Use the ultranet and our patented almost-alive, flexible and versatile sex-bots for out-of-this-world love-making.
(JAX and YAO approach.)
Greetings, eldies! How’d you like to dock the women of your dreams without having to compete for her, without having to be sweet to her, without even having to meet her?

YAO
Bullspam!

MS. BARKER
(laughing)
No spam, ramhead. Step right in, get right on and you’ll get off right. Best thing in the universe for a couple of eldies like you two.



JAX
(snorts)
Hey, obsolita, we a no eldies.

MS. BARKER
Oh, pardon me, I didn’t mean to hack your pride. Just didn’t see you with any sweetness so I assumed you and your cube-mate here were browsing for a rousing…

JAX
Well, you’re wrong. We wasn’t.

MS. BARKER
Ah, I see. Sorry, I didn’t realize you were parallel porters—

JAX
Spam no! Do we look like PPs?

MS. BARKER
No. Not really, but these days you never know…

YAO
Hey, what‘s this Virtue L Sex stuff all about?

MS. BARKER
It’s all about safe and satisfying quasi-roboto-sex. Virtual sex.

YAO
You mean cybersex?

MS. BARKER
Awk, no! Shooting your wad with a video download on a computer screen and risking a malware infection?! Ha, ha, ha. That‘s so spuriousso archaic, so eldy.

JAX
I told you we a no eldies!


MS. BARKER
And you don’t ever have to feel like one again. With Virtue L Sex, you get a sex life and life-like sex. It’s so nice. It’s sexual paradise. Imagine docking with anyone and everyone you want.

YAO
You saying this is better than cybersex?

MS. BARKER
Awk! Does a black hat hacker spam in the cyberhood?

JAX
No! It can’t be that good.

YAO
Yeah, can’t be.

MS. BARKER
Would I lie, sweet-and-slow? Let me defragment you now. Our patented Virtue L Sex robutt appliances feature a plethora of whore benefits. Number one is distance sex - lovemaking with people who live thousands of miles away. Just dial them up, turn them on, project them on a robutt and go at it in real-time and have a real good time, just like your lover is really there.

JAX
Whoa! Are you saying remote ass access? Are you docking with me?

MS. BARKER
Would I dock with you, eldie? Now, number two feature: sex with anyone and everyone you want - new loves, old loves, celebrities, people you don’t know but who’ve just photo-possessed walking by.



YAO
Shut down that geedee spam, you key-stroking, load-imbalancing obsolita!

MS. BARKER
Hey, I may be a legacy model compared to you two newbies, but I definitely am not an obsolita. I can still rub out a worm like you in my rug.
(she pokes him with her crop) And this a no phishing trip to steal your ID. This is a serious enterprise with functional over-the-ledge technology.

JAX
So how does it work?

MS. BARKER
All you need is a cash card and a video chip or even a jpeg file and we can create the robutt of your dreams in milliseconds. Or if you don’t have anyone special in mind, you can create your own. Blue-eyed blonde with big boobs and small tush and long, lascivious legs. With a couple of clicks your got her.

YAO
This docking unbelievable!

MS. BARKER
Believe it, sweet-and-slow. You wanna big brown-eyed brunette with small breasts, bodacious behind and tanlines. It’s up to you. Mix and match. Snatches of this, pieces of that. We keep all your preferences on file so you can come again, any time you want, any way you want.

JAX
No spam?! You can create us our own special robot?

MS. BARKER
Robutt. The sexiest docking doll on the market today. I guarantee it.

JAX
So I can have a sex doll that looks like anyone I want to dock?

MS. BARKER
Looks, sounds, feels, smells and tastes like that special someone. Yes! Now, you can prick anyone, upload any bloody celebrity you wanna dock! And for thirty minutes you’ll have an incredible simulation of that famous person in one of our sanitized, fantasized bedrooms to do spreadsheets, hyper-hijinks or whatever makes you and your little eldy firmware happy.
(to JAX)
So who do you want to do?

YAO
(before JAX can answer)
Jax wants to do Chelsea Clinton-Kennedy!

JAX
Shut down that spam, Yao!! Why would I want to probe the President of the United States with my toolbar? She’s so fossil-obsolitious!

MS. BARKER
Power is sexy, no matter the age. You’d be surprised. Lots of my regular, middle-aged customers, males and females, want to use their iProds on a Chelsea Clinton-Kennedy robutt. They love thinking they’re doing the leader of the solar system. And we make it easy for you to proxy-plug whomever you want. That’s why our slogan is “When you absolutely, positively have to get off tonight”


YAO
So how much?

MS. BARKER
Before I tell you that, let me tell you about rest of the VLS benefits. Risk free sex - no fears of diseases, unwanted pregnancy or commitments. And it can be any kink of sex you want - traditional, oral, anal, rough-stuff, bondage, slave and master, electric and even sonic. Any damn perv thing you can think of, can be done…If you care to spend a little more, we can set you up with a threesome or group situation…Only thing we don‘t do is animals. Hope you two a no beast lovers.
(guys shake their heads)
The thing that you eldies need to understand is that Virtue L Sex feels real. VLS robutt skin is just like human skin. Warm to the touch, smooth and sweet smelling. Just like mine.
(she caresses one)
And don’t worry about you-know-what, after every visit the robutts are virus-scanned and completely scrubbed for our customers’ erection protection.

YAO
Damn madame! Are you disabling my fact checker?

MS. BARKER
No, it’s the honest truth. Ready to rock, roll and rumble?

YAO
It will really feel real?

MS. BARKER
Well, our motto is: Is it real or Virtue L Sex?

JAX
Hey, what does the L stand for?

MS. BARKER
Love. Virtue Loves Sex.

YAO
What does that mean?

MS. BARKER
Well, virtue means goodness, so it means it’s good to love sex. Sex is good, and good sex is something everyone loves. And I can see you a not getting enough sex, much less good sex.

YAO
You got that down clean.

JAX
Can’t ever get enough, can you?

MS. BARKER
You can now…for a small price.

JAX
How much?

MS. BARKER
I tell you what I‘m gonna do. I’ll give you the eldy special. Two for the price of one, two hundred dollars.

JAX
We a no eldies.

MS. BARKER
Okay. Sorry. Four hundred then.

YAO
(Bopping JAX)
Jax, you ramhead, we don’t have four hundred.

JAX
Dock! I really want to try this out.

YAO
Then shut down and admit we eldies.

JAX
Okay. We want the eldy special.

MS. BARKER
(smiles)
You may be eldies now, but when you come back out here, after a good robutt dock, you both a going to feel terrif-fick!

JAX
What’s the procedure? Do we need to get naked?

MS. BARKER
If you want. Once you get in with your robutt you can do whatever pleases you. When you go through this door, you’ll be guided to a sterile room.

YAO
Separate sterile rooms, right? I don’t want to do this with anybody seeing me.

MS. BARKER
Awk! Of course, privacy for each. There are separate rooms…Well, it’s more like a closet. With some furniture and, um, toys.

YAO
Toys?

MS. BARKER
Props, like crops.
(she playful whacks his hand)

YAO
Ow! That hurt−

MS. BARKER
So good? (Laughs) In the future, we a going to enable our soft clients to have locales.



JAX
What do you mean?

MS. BARKER
I mean, some times our males have difficulty with their hardware. Our R&D tells us a change in scenery can help. So say you wanted to get on with a Hawaiian Lei robutt, you could dock her on a secluded beach. Dock her in the sand. Dock her on a lounge chair. Dock her on the stairs. Dock her on a rock. Dock her on a dock. Dock her in a smock. Dock her in your socks

JAX
Hey, stop seussing us!

MS. BARKER
(Laughing)
In the snow with an Eskimo. Turning blue in her igloo. I hear twice on ice is nice.

YAO
Whoa! You’re amazing. Can we go in now?

MS. BARKER
Yeah. Go right on in. Slide your cash card in the submission machine, then follow the guide.

YAO
(rushes in)
Yeehaw!

JAX
So we get a full thirty minutes? There’s no commercial interruptions, right?

MS. BARKER
(laughs)
Thirty commercial-free docking minutes. But you won’t be able to stand it that long. It takes some getting used to. Average first timer with a robutt is about ten minutes.

JAX
Really?! Wow.

MS. BARKER
Don‘t worry. When the options menu comes up for suction and fuction, be sure to select the Virtual Virgin setting, if you don’t want to be sore for a week afterwards. But don’t worry, sweet-and-slow, it’s gonna be swell. I guarantee it.

JAX
Okay, thanks.

JAX rushes in.

MS. BARKER
(laughs)
You’re welcome!
(speaking to people strolling by)
Okay, who’s next? Who’s wants their very own robutt slut? It‘s here. It‘s now. Sex without fear. Let me show you how…

Enter ANGELA carrying protest signs that read “Virtual Sex Sucks!”

ANGELA
I’m back!

MS. BARKER
Oh, no. Not again.

ANGELA
Sex with machines is wrong.

MS. BARKER
I know. We had this discussion yesterday.


ANGELA
I’m going to keep coming back until you shut down.

MS. BARKER
It‘s not going to happen, obsolita. Business is blooming. Soon there will be thousands of Virtue L Sex shops all over the world. One in every malltropolis. This genie cannot be put back in the bottle. It’s been rubbed right. You prostitutes need to wake up and realize we are almost halfway into the twenty-first century.

ANGELA
But sex with machines is so wrong.

MS. BARKER
Sex with strangers is worse.

ANGELA
Well…At least, it’s a human to human…thing!

MS. BARKER
Can’t fight progress. Maybe it’s time to find a new occupation.

ANGELA
This is just so wrong.

MS. BARKER
I don’t see anything wrong with giving people a safe and healthy outlet for their sexual needs. We save marriages. So many of our customers are married to partners who have lost their sexual hard drive. The problem with prostitution is that you are human! An eldy could get attached to you. Isn’t it better for someone to have sex with a robutt that looks like his wife, than go out and have an affair with another woman and risk disease or unwanted pregnancy or worst, attachment? With Virtue L Sex there’s no more breaking up a good home because the sex is not good. Or staying in a bad relationship just for the sex.

ANGELA
You don’t believe what you’re saying

MS. BARKER
I do! I know from my own experience. I’m a client because hubby’s not interested in sex anymore. So every couple of weeks and I get docked by a robutt that looks, sounds, feels, smells like my Justin.

A pause.

ANGELA
And Justin doesn’t have any problem with you docking machines?

MS. BARKER
He’d rather me be with a robutt than a real man.

ANGELA
Well, I…I…I can do things, real things that those fake things could never do…

MS. BARKER
Maybe. But there’s so much robutts can do that you can’t do.

ANGELA
Like what?

MS. BARKER
Maybe you should consider a session yourself.

ANGELA
No. Why should I?

MS. BARKER
Can’t really know what it’s like ‘til you try.


ANGELA
But it’s wrong! You’re putting people like me out of work.

MS. BARKER
That’s a good thing, sweet and slow. You need a real job. Listen, this is a clean and healthy way of handling a basic human bodily function. It’s as revolutionary and important to our society as self-cleaning toilets were. You need to consider all the social ills this technology is curing. Stop and think about it. We are eliminating all the nasty business that goes with it. No streetwalking, no pimping, no spreading of diseases, no unwanted pregnancy, no stigma, no jail time. Just relief, spelled R-O-B-U-T-T.

ANGELA
But what am I going to do?

YAO re-enters with a silly smile on his face.

MS. BARKER
Ah, here’s another satisfied customer.

YAO
Whoathat was docking unbelievable. Beyond sensational. I gotta find a cash card recharge machine. I need to go again. When Jax comes out, tell him I’ll be right back.

MS. BARKER
Will do!

YAO dashes off. MS. BARKER laughs.

MS. BARKER
Ah, young guys, they can go at it all night…Once they get hooked…

ANGELA
You know, you can think you’re doing this great thing, but if you make sex this easy to get, accessible, you’re little VLS is going to create a bunch of virtual sex addicts.

MS. BARKER
Well, we’ll worry about that, if and when it becomes a problem. What’s your name, sweetness?

ANGELA
Angela.

MS. BARKER
Well, Angela, why don’t you come over to my side of the bed?

ANGELA
I don’t think so…

MS. BARKER
I need someone to help run this business and in a few months, you can become a manager and run your own shop. I’m going to get rich. You can too, if you get in now before this takes off.

ANGELA
How can you be so sure?

MS. BARKER
Human nature.

ANGELA
But it’s not human and it’s not natural!

MS. BARKER
Some say it’s better than human. It’s certainly safer.

Re-enters JAX. He’s in tears, walking gingerly, holding his crotch.

MS. BARKER
Hello, sweet and slo—What’s the matter?!

JAX
Where’s my friend?

MS. BARKER
He’ll be right back. He went to get more money. He wants to go again.

JAX
Is he crazy?! That was the worse experience of my life!
(groaning)

ANGELA
Another satisfied customer?

MS. BARKER
What happened?

JAX
I want my money back.

MS. BARKER
Didn’t you have a dockin’ good time?

JAX
No! Just give me my money back.

MS. BARKER
Hold on. What happened?

JAX
That thing was such bullspam. It milked me like a cow!

MS. BARKER
Oh, dearie, you had the wrong setting! No wonder. Remember I told you, the Virtual Virgin setting.

JAX
I did!

MS. BARKER
For both suction and fuction?



JAX
I don’t know! Spam! Oh, God it hurts so bad.

MS. BARKER
Listen, it takes some getting used to…If you set it too high, well, it’s quite a ride. I told you to—

JAX
You told me it would be great and it wasn’t. It was like torture! Virtue L Sex sucks!!

JAX storms off still holding his crotch.

ANGELA
Ah, come back here, hon’, let me kiss it make it better. All you need is a little human touch…

MS. BARKER
(shrugs)
Well, I guess it’s true, you can’t please everybody…
(to the audience)
It‘s here. It‘s now. Sex without fear. Let me show you how. It‘s here. It‘s now. Sex without fear…It’s here. It’s now…It’s wow…

ANGELA
(laughing)
And it’s ow!

MS. BARKER
Hey, don’t laugh, there’s a whole market for that, too. Some people like “ow!” (to the audience) Right?

She cracks her crop into her hand and smiles seductively.

Lights out.