constant ache

-This idea, an untouchable idea, that being so in love can actually "kill you"... at least in the sense that part of you is gone forever!

Now, hear me when I say this. These words. They will leave my lips only once and that will take all my strength. And… I will never actually be able to say them again. So, hear this. I dealt with this pain, because I thought the pain of leaving would be harder. But I was wrong. And I know when I leave I will be leaving for good and that is what I need but also what is killing me. Knowing that this is the last night, the last time… it has to be the very last. I know I will wake up at night, having nightmares, and sweating. And I know there will be moments when I hear a song, smell a scent, see a movie, hear a voice, a laugh- and it will bring me to my knees. And I can face the fact that I will never truly know if I made the right choice. And I can face the fact that I am walking away, and it has to be for good, and I can face it. If I keep saying it, I can face it. I can do it. I would rather think about the regret each and every day and only survive on the moments that play like movies in my mind than live in angst. In my dreams it was perfect. In my dreams it was worth it. In truth I was dieing either way. With or without you. But leaving… left the most of me. I had to salvage what was left. Do you still hear me?