Gross Times in College

Part One: Before Lunch

OH SNAP!
I'm sitting in the library, studying at a computer, right?
So I'm reading and typing, reading and typing, and there's this thick, older, black lady sitting next to me. She looks normal enough, so I've got no idea what's about to happen.
I'm reading/typing/reading/typing/reading/typing and I notice that she's digging in her ear like there's no tomorrow. Digging and scratching so hard that she's biting her lip and grimmacing. I tried to act like I wasn't paying attention to any of this, but I guess she supposed that she had attracted some attention. I say that because she suddenly stopped jack-hammering her ear, looked around to make sure that nobody was still looking, and she fucking pinched something with her fingernails, pulled it from her ear, and looked at it closely in front of her face. THEN, she looked around again, made sure nobody was watching (I was), and popped the fucking thing into her mouth.
And then she just acted like everything was normal and starting looking at the computer again.
It took everything I've got not to freak out and bunch myself into the corner of this computer desk screaming "THAT CRAZY BITCH JUST ATE HER OWN DAMN EAR MITE!"

But I didn't. I just popped open GMail and imagined that you all could use a good story about how I almost lost my composure in the library.

Hope everything is going well.

My ears itch now.

Coincidentally, I'm hungry, too.



Part Two: After Lunch

So today for lunch, Lauren and I decided to drive to Rally's. Now, when I'm taking off from school with the intention of returning on time, I become incredibly anal about what I'm doing with my time. Lauren didn't know where the nearest Rally's was, so I told her I would drive.
So I drove like an asshole to the nearest Rally's, waiting impatiently in the drive-thru line, and pulled up to the speaker-box.
"*&^*^&**&&&**&*&**&+*^&*+$&.....Rally's.....$^#$%^#$^*@%^)$%^*#%^...your order?"
The speaker is all fucked up and I couldn't make out much of what the lady was saying. I knew that Lauren wanted a #5 (cheeseburger with fries and a drink), and I knew that all I wanted was a medium fries and a small coke (because I don't really like fast food).

So I waited.....and waited....until I could discern what the fast food lady was saying.
"@#%*@$%@%(...help you?!" she asked, at this point equally as impatient as me.

"I want a number five with a Hi-C, and I want an extra order of medium fries with a small coke!"

Then I couldn't hear what the lady was saying. Was she asking me a question? Was she accepting my order and telling me the cost? All I could hear was the grumbled crack of the speaker and the suffix -ed.

So I did what all impatient assholes say when they just want to get on with it.

"Yes. OK. Right."

Then the lady said the total would be $8.39. It always strikes me as decidedly nuts that you can't understand someone that is servicing you until they tell you what their service is going to cost you.

So I pulled up to the window, paid, drove about a half a block, and Lauren screamed "this is not our order! I see fries, a burger, our two drinks, but we don't have the other fries....just something in a box! Turn around! We need to go get our stuff!"

Being an impatient asshole I said, "No, we are going to go back to school. You eat your burger and fries. I will eat whatever's in that box. We are not turning around. We are getting back to class on time!"

I said all this through clenched teeth because I hate waiting for stuff like that.

So we drove back to the house, sat in the driveway, and split up our lunch. She got her Hi-C, burger, and fries. I had my coke. Now it was time to see what was in the fast food Pandora's box.
Apparently, the -ed suffix I'd heard from the speaker box was asking "do you want your fries to be super-fat-lard-fucking-nuts-fucked?" The -ed must have come from the word "fucked," because in this box there were fries, but the fries were at the bottom of a pile of nacho cheese, mustard, ranch, and bacon. We had bought this box of heartburn not ten minutes before I opened it, and it the goo was already corroding the bottom of its box and leaking into the bag.
"That is just gross," Lauren said.

Being too stubborn to admit how gross it was, and too impatient to sit in line to go get real french fries (not Slovakian french fries scattered, smothered, and covered in filth), I swallowed the mess in less than 5 minutes. And because the lady at Rally's had forgotten to include a fork, and because I was too stubborn/impatient to go inside the house to get one, I ate the box's contents with my fingers.

I just thought that you would like to know why tomorrow's headlines will read "College Student Found Dead on Toilet" with a sub-line "Intestines Discovered Unraveled in Plumbing."

If there is a moral to this story, it is to not waste time in a drive-thru line. Go inside and speak to a human. Speakerboxes are the devil's inventions.