'Don't End Up Like Your Mother'

I had never developed a reputation as a sex-addicted ho because I was addicted to making sure I was socially accepted under the standards at my middle school and high school. I also knew that perfection could never be achieved and that my sexual prowess would eventually become one of my few flaws in this growing “perfect” nature I was trying to achieve. I had four boyfriends in high school, but more than 10 sex partners. I was a gorgeous young woman of average height, dark brown eyes, flawless smooth skin, a toned athlete’s body, straight long brown hair, and a friendly and mature attitude to boot. I got pregnant by my second boyfriend accidentally and had to have an abortion because I was entirely too young to raise a child, according to my mother. I really loved children and I would have sacrificed this lifestyle of mine to take care of my child. It was a way to escape, I thought to myself.

The addictions progressed into my college career. I got yeast infections, large cysts grew on my clitoris, I stayed with flu-like symptoms every month. I drank, partied, but kept my schoolwork at a high priority always. I was broke. I barely trusted anyone. I started to walk through campus with a blank stare on my face and my iPod earphones plugged in at all times just so I couldn’t hear if the boys were flirting at me. On top of that, I started broke out with acne on my face.

I was pregnant again in January of my sophomore year. The guy who played the part in it suggested strongly that I abort the baby in “its best interest.” So, I did. I cried for days knowing that I had another chance to escape and I didn’t run with it.

Not too long ago, I learned that I am at risk for cervical cancer. My grandmother and my great grandmother had it, and given the fact that I have been getting cysts as well as other symptoms a lot lately, the possibility is tremendous. The OBGYN told me the walls of my uterus are weak and the tissue will bleed easily when irritated during sexual contact. I now am too scared to have sex with anyone at all, not even my boyfriend of whom I have known for almost 2 years now. The risk scares me. The thought of not being able to have my children scares me. I also learned that my irregular heartbeat, something I have had all my life, has now become a life-threatening factor. I now take beta-blockers daily to slow my heart rate down.

There is no Sex-aholics Anonymous, is there? I didn’t think so. However, I think I know how I can start on a new, more self-respecting path. It all has to do with trusting someone.

God has to be a major player in my life. I know the Bible and may have studied the chapters during school and in church, but I never put any faith in His abilities to watch over me and give me strength. In this plan, I must realize that my free will cannot be altered nor controlled by God, so I must learned to willingly put faith in people. I have to trust a try with everyone. The Lord, my pastor, my mother, my father, my roommate and even my boyfriend. These people have been here and have been offering me anything I wanted, but my independent attitude kept me from accepting help. The plan is to trust that their intentions are not to harm me, but only to help me. They have never done anything to try and hurt me before, so why should I not be able to trust them with my mind, body and soul? Perhaps the help of others can help me realize that I can in fact be better. Maybe my growing faith can bring me to a better understanding of what it is to be a real self-respecting young woman. Maybe finding a place of peace at the church or someplace to myself is where I can sit and think about finally doing it my way, the right way.

That is my plan. Finding a way out of addiction through trust. It has to work. Everything I believe in and every value I hold dear to me depends on it. I know it will work out for me if I try.