The hours after the fire are more or less a haze for me. Not much stuck and I can only remember the more important details. It took a long time for the fire fighters to arrive and, between them and the hunters, an even longer time to get the fire under control and eventually out.
Afterwards, there was basically nothing left of the Manor, of the place I’d so often thought of as home. So much had happened to me in that house, both good and bad and it pained me to know it no longer existed. It was now a blackened heap, full of dust and ash, lifeless and barren. A wall or two still stood, although they were charred and crumbled. Bricks lay on the ground around the missing walls, the only reminders of what had once been there. The remains to the house were a jumbled mess and almost no furniture had survived, except a dusty chair or two, nothing worth salvaging. Centuries of history, passed down though the years, lost.
It felt like I was in a dream. One that I was desperate to wake up from, although I knew I never would. Because this wasn’t a dream, it was real, and no matter how much I wished I could pretend it was, I knew it was pointless to try. And knowing that; it destroyed me. I was there, but I wasn’t. If that makes sense? I felt as though my mind was a million miles away, in another time and other place. A place where this wasn’t happening and everything was okay and normal. Well, as normal as my life could get.
I was leaning against one of the fire trucks, wrapped in a blanket, lost in my misery. I’d been standing there since Logan had left me and gone to see if there was anything he could to do to help. That is, after I’d recovered slightly from my break down. I hadn’t moved and I had no intentions of moving. My legs felt like jelly and I wasn’t entirely sure they could support me at this given moment.
I was having difficulty grasping what was going on around me. Things’ were slipping though. The pain was slowly disappearing and I was beginning to feel numb. I knew I was in shock, and yet I couldn’t fight it. I didn’t want to feel, I just wanted to forget.
The voices of the hunters standing next to me seeped into my haze. I didn’t recognise the voice’s that spoke and I couldn’t piece together whole sentences, but I could make out certain words. Words that, despite my current state, I knew meant something. I had a basic idea of what their conversation was about, even though I was barely listening. They were saying something along the lines of bringing in a forensic expert. Someone to figure out what caused the fire, I guessed.

“Body identification.... soon....” someone said.
I laughed. Body identification. They wanted to identify the vampire’s that had died in the Manor. From their charred remains, after some had been decades and centuries old? Good-luck, I thought dryly.
I felt at least six pairs of eyes fall on me, and I looked up briefly to meet them. The hunters were all crowded around the edge of the fire truck near me, and they were looking directly at me, with quizzical looks on their faces. Logan was there too, and he was staring at me with a worried expression on his face. Oops, I thought. Guess my laugh had been more hysterical than I’d thought it was. I looked back down and I assumed they turned their attention back to what they’d been doing.
From the edge of my eyelashes I could see that Logan was still watching me. He was still standing with the hunters, arms across his chest, and from the outside it would look as though he was paying attention to their discussion. But I knew him better and I could easily see that all his focus was on me. His mouth was a hard line, his eyes filled with worry and a sadness I couldn’t place. I couldn’t’ bring myself to look back up directly at him, so without me doing that and without me acknowledging his prescience, with a sigh he eventually turned his attention and focus back to the hunters.
A few minutes later I decided that I simply couldn’t be there anymore. I couldn’t stand there knowing where I was and what had happened. It was too much and I needed to get out of there. Without a single word to anyone or any sort of indication of my intentions, I walked over to where all the cars were still parked at the edge of the lawn. I knew that someone was bound to have left their keys in their car, and after a few moments of searching I found one of the SVU’s with its keys still in the ignition.
I was partly surprised no one tried to stop me from leaving as I slid behind the wheel. I had expected that someone would have at least cracked some stupid remark, but no on did. They were all too absorbed in their own worlds and own worries. And they had the right to be. The Death Walker’s and the entire covenant were gone, our mission in tatters. This changed everything. And we all knew it.

Part of my mind did wonder about Logan. I hadn’t expected him to let me go. But he did. I saw him from my rear view mirror as I drove away. His face was still the same mask of sadness I’d seen before, but I also saw acceptance in it. He couldn’t stop me from leaving, even if he’d wanted too, and I was real glad he hadn’t tried.
I don’t know where I was driving to; all I knew was that I couldn’t be there any longer. It was bringing too many memories to my attention and it hurt too much to remember. I couldn’t stay there and all I knew for sure is that I wanted to put as much distance between myself and the Manor as I could manage. I had no intended destination, although some small part of my brain, the silent part, kept me in the area. Even though the biggest part of me was screaming, demanding, that I drive as far away as I could. I wanted to put the city in my rear view mirror and watch it disappear. I almost did. Almost.
Being in the car, it was cold and cramped, and filled with someone’s bits of trash and junk, turned out not to be a good thing. It was quiet and I found myself feeling tremendously alone. Perhaps that’s why I ended up where I did. I’d just wanted to be somewhere familiar and somewhere where I could feel some piece of safety. Not that that place really existed for me anymore. It didn’t and I wasn’t sure it ever would again.
I wasn’t sure I could be okay. I’d been through so much, and this, losing everyone..... I wasn’t sure I had it in me to overcome. I was ready to give up and let go. Let go of me, my life before, even my own existence. I just wanted it to all go away and I didn’t care how that came about.
Any sort of composure I had held slipped away by the time I found myself pulling up in front of the church. I was shaking and my body was trembling as I got out of the car. I noticed how heavily I was breathing as I slipped the car keys into my front pocket. I knew my eyes were red from crying and they felt sore. I hadn’t had a good cry over anything in a long time, and tonight I think I’d cried more than I ever had before. Although, I was fairly positive I wasn’t done yet.
As I walked towards the front of the church, some part of me was telling me that I shouldn’t be acting this way, the vampire warrior in me, I guess. It was telling me that I should be able to handle this, just like I’d been trained, just like I’d been taught. And yet, the other larger part, the part that was just an eighteen year old girl who felt like she’d just lost her world, drowned it out. Drowned it out until it was barely a whisper. My chest felt tight. Tight and empty. Surely, there wasn’t anything wrong with feeling this way?

I walked right up to the large, wooden door and pounded on it with my fist. I felt my eyes start to get wet and the tears start to brim over. I didn’t even bother to wipe away the one’s that escaped and slid down my cheek. I couldn’t be bothered.
Eventually the door creaked open a bit, flooding light out into the yard, and Father Riley’s tired face poked out. “It’s 3 in the morning child, what need could you possibly....” His eyes adjusted to the darkness and settled on my face. He broke off immediately, his face looking alarmed. “Roxi, what is it? What’s wrong?” He stepped back and opened the door more. “Come in.”
I walked through, but I didn’t turn to look at him. I stared straight ahead at the front of the church. “Their all dead,” I whispered. “The whole covenant. All dead.” I knew Father Riley was taking in my tattered clothing, covered in ash and torn. Again, I couldn’t bring myself to care.
“Oh. My,” he shook his head, at a loss for words. This is the time and situation where a person doesn’t want to say the wrong thing. They don’t want to make you feel worse by their words. Father Riley looked as though he really wanted to say something that would be enlightening and that would help, but he didn’t quite know what. I didn’t mind. I didn’t care. There were no words that could make this better, no matter how well meaning they may be.
I walked past him, without another word, deeper and farther into the church. I slowly walked down the aisle. It was silent and for the first time in my life, being here didn’t fill me with peace and serenity. I don’t think there was anything that could. I stopped at the front, right near the step of the raised up area, where the table sat, covered in a white cloth and dozens of candles, and sank to my knees. I was crying again, heavily and noisily. I just couldn’t hold it in anymore and I don’t think I had the strength to try. I just had to let the sorrow out.
I could sense Father Riley’s presence a few feet away. I knew he was watching me and I vaguely wondered if he’d approach me. He didn’t, and I was grateful to him for that. He slowly and hesitantly left the room and I was so pleased. I just wanted to be alone for a while. Despite how being alone in the car, during the drive over, had made me feel; I needed to be alone. I was ready to crumble and break and I didn’t want to do it in front of an audience, no matter who that may be. So I sat on the floor and bawled my eyes out, feeling slightly better as I did. I did this without any interruptions and without any input.

By the time Logan walked into the church it was hours later and the sun was just rising. I was standing with my back to the door, lighting a candle, when I heard it open and shut quietly. I didn’t turn around to confirm that it was him. I just knew. By the time I did turn around, he was standing at the spot were the pew’s ended, watching me. He was still dressed in the same clothing I’d last seen him in. Jeans and a black t-shirt that was now dirty and covered in ash, much like my own clothing. His blonde hair looked more brown that it did blonde, and he had smudges of ash across his face.
“Hey,” was all I said, without much emotion.
I saw his eyes darken when I spoke, but his voice was gentle, if not wary. “Hey back.”
“Did Father Riley call you?” I asked.
He shook his head. “He didn’t have too. I knew if you’d go anywhere, it’d be here.”
I nodded slowly.
“I just wanted to give you some time,” he said quietly. “I came here to wait until you were ready to be around someone. I’ve been outside in the Lancer.”
My lips twitched at the corners. “How long have you been waiting?” I asked, letting myself smile, just the tiniest of smiles, although I didn’t really feel it.
“A while.” He answered, looking slightly embarrassed.
I sighed. Now wasn’t the best time for me and I felt very breakable, and even though I knew he meant well, I wasn’t sure I even wanted to be around Logan. I looked down at the church floor, away from his eyes and away from a sudden desire to lash out at him.
“Frank’s made some arrangements for accommodation,” he said. “I’ll take you there now, if you want. When we arrive he’ll tell us what we’re gonna do.”
“Frank? Who put him in charge?” I could practically taste the venom that dripped from my voice. My gaze flicked back up to him, my eyes blazing.
Logan’s lips hardened as he registered my attitude and face. He eyed me warily and spoke gently. “There’s no one else Rox, that can get things done like he can.” He took a hesitant step towards me. “I know you’re upset and hurting and you have every right to be angry, but...”

His words triggered something inside me. The anger I felt, yet had silenced and had kept buried by my pain, shot up and broke through. I snapped, and suddenly I was speaking words I hadn’t even thought. I hadn’t even known I’d felt that way until it had come to the surface.
“I’m so glad I have the right to be angry, because I sure as hell am!” I shouted, jumping down from the raised up step and moving towards him.
Deep down I knew that none of the things I were yelling at him for, were his fault. That he hadn’t caused the Manor to burn and everyone die and that it was extremely unfair of me to take what I felt out on him. But still, I did. He was there and once I started speaking, I just couldn’t stop.
To his credit, Logan stood there with a resigned look on his face, and took everything I had to say without commentary and without interrupting. He stood tall and silent and blank as can be, while I shouted and shrieked about things that had happened and how thing’s weren’t fair. I hated Micah, more than I can describe and at that moment I didn’t care who took the force of my anger. Unfortunately that person happened to be Logan.
He said nothing while I fumed. He stared down at me until the intensity of his eyes cut through me, making me hesitate in what I was saying.
“You should have let me go into the Manor,” I shrieked, my eyes wet.
“No,” he said, simply. He still looked down at me and I saw him take a shaky breath.
“I could have helped them.” My voice was no longer strong and it quivered as I spoke.
“You would have died.” He said firmly, but as he spoke I saw something flicker behind his eyes. Fear? It was same look on his face that he’d had when the Manor was burning and I was trying to get inside. But he wouldn’t let me and I was only just beginning to understand why. After the thing’s he’d faced with Micah, and having watched his composure during those difficult situations and how he’d handled himself, seeing him look this way now had me rattled.
I was shaking my head, trying to clear it and make those thoughts vanish. I still had tears in my eyes and as I shook my head they went flying, pouring out freely. My hair fanned out around me, covering my face and I knew Logan couldn’t see my eyes.

“You don’t know that for sure,” I squeaked, even though I was fairly positive he was right. “You don’t know.” I was still standing in front of him. I knew as well as I knew anything that his blue eyes were on me, but I just couldn’t look up at him. I couldn’t stare into his face, feeling how I did. So instead, I stared at his chest.
“I do,” he said. I could hear the strain and anguish in his voice. And it killed me.
As he spoke I took a tiny step so that I was standing against him and hung my head, so that it rested on his chest. “You should have let me try,” I sobbed, letting the tears run out again.
He took a breath and wrapped his arms around me tightly. He brushed my hair from my face as he held me to him. “I couldn’t, I couldn’t,” he said, agony in his voice as he rocked me slightly from side to side. I could feel his lips in my hair, and I must admit that in that moment, I felt better. Being with him did make me feel better. “Maybe that makes me selfish,” he whispered; his voice sad. “I don’t know.”
Hearing him say that made me cry even harder. Because there was a part of me, and it was a massive part, larger than I could ever have imagined possible, that was glad that he was safe and that he hadn’t been in the Manor. And I felt so bad, and so guilty, that I could feel that way after I had just lost all the people I had.
“I’m sorry,” Logan muttered near my ear. “I am so, so sorry. I wish there was something I could do to make the pain you’re feeling go away.”
I sniffled. I’d stopped crying, I didn’t have it in me anymore to cry. My eyes had gone dry. Now I was just resting my head on his chest, listening to the steady rhythm of his heart beat as he spoke.
“You will get through this,” he continued. “I know it doesn’t feel like it now. I know it hurts and it doesn’t feel like it’ll ever be okay, but it will, in time.” He lifted his head from where it had been resting on mine and I lifted my face to look up at him. “I will make sure you get through this, I promise you.”
I had my arms wrapped around his waist and I tightened them now. I nodded at what he’d said and looked downwards again. His hand stroked my cheek, his fingers warm on my skin.
I honestly did feel calmer being here, in his arms, but I wasn’t entirely convinced things would ever be okay. It didn’t feel like it to me. My heart ached and I felt like it was in a thousand pieces, but I didn’t doubt for one second Logan would do whatever he could to help me. I knew he’d be there.
I just really hoped that would be enough.....