He looked back at me, unspeaking. He didn’t respond right away, perhaps considering his options. I felt him study me and electricity spread through my body. Callie was in the room, but it was almost as though it was just me and him. The moment felt very intimate and I was struck by the difference in the moment. Not long ago I had wanted nothing more than to hit him, and now, as he stared back at me, that feeling disappeared as though it had never been there.
He nodded. “Yes” he said quietly.
“Callie,” I said, turning towards her. “Will you tell him? Your view is probably the best.”
“If it’s what you want?” She walked towards where I still stood, close to Logan.
“It is” I answered.
Nodding, she walked across the room and sat down in one of the couches that lined the walls. “It was two years ago,” she said to Logan “A few of the council members had some days off, including me, so I decided to spend a few days at the Manor. It had been a while since I’d been back, so I thought it would be fun to relax and catch up with everyone.”
I walked over and sat down next to Callie.
“I had been friends with Claudia since she first came to the Manor. In fact I trained her partly, so when she asked me to join her out on the town I agreed. She wanted to hit a few clubs, but I suggested we have dinner first. After we left the restaurant, we decided to take a short cut that meant us walking through one of the back ally’s.” Callie took a shaky breath.
I reached out and took her hand. My memories of that night were few, and even though it had been me who had experienced most of it, I knew it hurt her to remember. To remember me like that.

Callie was looking at Logan, speaking to him. “I’d saw a lot during my days as a Death Walker, but walking into that ally shocked me. I found it difficult to believe and to understand how one human being could do that to another. There was so much blood. It stained what was left of her clothes,” Callie swallowed and dragged her eyes from Logan to me “and it was all over the ally floor. There was even some on the walls.”
Callie was looking at me, but her eyes were clouded, remembering. I was watching Logan. He stood up against the wall across from the couch, as still as a statue. He barley looked like he was breathing, as he absorbed everything Callie was telling him. I imagined he was trying to picture it, and the thought made me shudder. I didn’t want him to think of me like that. I hated Claudia and Callie thinking of me like that as it was.
He saw me shudder from out of the corner of his eye, and his eyes fixed directly on me, making me catch my breath. His expression, I can’t even describe it. His face was blank but in his eyes I saw so many different emotions twirling around. His eyes held more emotion than I had ever seen him show.
“At first Claudia and I thought she was dead,” Callie continued.
Logan’s eyes snapped back to her.
“Then she opened her eyes.” Callie was watching Logan again, as was I. I was watching his reaction. Callie’s eyes were intense as they bore into Logan’s and I knew she was desperately trying to make him understand the severity of what she was saying. “Claudia wanted to call an ambulance, but I knew from looking at her there wasn’t time. I don’t believe that anyone should die alone. So we stayed with her”
Callie paused and brushed my hair back, but continued to speak to Logan. “She lasted longer than I thought she would. And as I looked into her eyes I saw something deep within them.” She kept her gaze directly on Logan, her voice strong as she remembered. “A strength, a will to live so strong, I just didn’t think. I bit her.”

“And turned her,” Logan said quietly, interrupting. Understanding filled his eyes.
Callie nodded. “Afterwards we brought her back to the Manor.” Callie had stood up and was taking a step towards Logan. “I know you hunters have a certain view and opinion of Claudia. That you see her as being a certain way, a certain person. There are some things I can’t say otherwise of, because they are true. But there is another side to her, one she doesn’t show often and I’m not sure you’ve ever seen. From the moment Claudia met Roxi she formed a connection with her.” She smiled. “Claudia has a certain way about her, which can repel people. That night though,” she shuddered, looked down for a second then back up at Logan, her eyes dark and clouded.
“I don’t know what exactly, you know about vampire transformation Logan. I don’t know what you’ve been told, or what you’ve witnessed, but I will tell you, it’s very painful and can last quite a long time. Especially, if the person is badly injured, as Roxi was, and has to heal from those injuries also.”
Logan was still silent, but I could feel his eyes flicking from Callie to me, then back again.
“It’s not pleasant, but Claudia,” Callie continued. “Claudia stayed with Roxi the whole night, holding her hand and stroking her hair.”
“She was the first thing I saw when I opened my eyes.” I had been silent up until this point, but I felt it was time I chimed in.
Both Callie and Logan turned and looked at me.
“Do you remember it?” Logan asked, his eyes searching deep inside me. “That night, I mean.”
I shook me head. “No, not really” I answered, honestly. “I remember that I had been on a date, and had decided to take the short cut across the ally, like Callie and Claudia. Something or someone struck me from behind, knocking me out, I guess. It gets really blurry after that.” I walked over to where he and Callie stood and Logan’s eyes never left me, trailing my every move.

“I do remember bits and pieces though,” I continued, reaching them and standing in front of him. “I remember seeing Callie’s face as she looked down at me and-” I paused, unsure if I should continue speaking. What I was planning to say was nothing I’d never ever said. I’d never spoken it to anyone, not Claudia and not Callie.
“What?” he urged. “What else?”
I gulped. Oh, well, I might as well say it. There’s no turning back now, I thought. “Like it said, I don’t remember a lot, it’s fuzzy, but I do remember how I felt.”
Both he and Callie stayed silent, waiting for me to continue.
“It’s a hard feeling to describe. It was just something I knew, deep inside me. It was like; I could feel that I was going to die. People say they know when their lives are over and that’s how I felt. It’s a horrible feeling and I wished I’d never had to feel it.” I paused, smiling sadly “It stays with you.”
I saw Logan flinch as I spoke and I felt my heart swell up. Maybe, maybe now he could understand to some extent, I thought. “Callie,” I turned to look at her, hoping against hope, that what I was about to say, she’d understand. Then maybe she could finally be free of the guilt she so obviously felt. “I honestly don’t resent you in anyway. That night, I really felt my life was over. And it would have been. I know that. It would have been, if it wasn’t for you. This life, I don’t think I’d have chosen it, had I had another option, but I didn’t. I am grateful. Please believe me when I tell you that.”
She was staring at me, trying to read my eyes. She was often able to see how I felt and I hoped she could now, that she wasn’t blinded by her own feelings. “I do, Roxi. I do. I’m just sorry this is the way your life is. I’ve seen what you’ve been through and I wish you didn’t have to go through it. I really do. If there was anyway of changing that I would do it,” she said, stepping towards me and embracing me in a strong hug. I wrapped my arms around her and hugged her back.

I pulled out of her hug and walked back towards where Logan stood, watching us. “There are times when I have insecurities. Moments when I can’t completely accept who I am. Moments when I have doubts. I have doubts about the choices I make and the actions behind them.”
His eyes looked puzzled, so I lowered my voice and spoke so only he could hear. “Logan,”
He looked at me. His eyes burned into me and I was stuck thinking that he was looking at me as though he actually saw me. Saw me for who I was and not what I was.
“I’m not ashamed.” I still spoke quietly. From the corner of my eye I saw Callie, slowly and silently, walking out of the room. She shot me a look as she passed behind me and I knew she was okay. Then I turned my attention back to Logan.
Logan was nodding his head, his eyes thoughtful. “Then why not leave your family? They’d be safer, you must know that.”
I stared up at him, unsure. I sighed. “I do know that and I did leave. Once.”
His eyebrows shot up and he looked shocked.
“When I first turned,” I explained “I left them for 3 weeks. But I missed them, so I went back” I spoke with the sadness I felt at knowing how hurt and worried they’d been.
Looking at Logan, I saw his fingers twitch at his side, as if he wanted to reach out and comfort me. He didn’t. “What happened? When you went back, that is. What did you tell them?”
I could hear in his voice that he didn’t really want to ask and make me remember, but his curiosity, as usual, won out. I shook my head. “Nothing really. There were so many rumours flying around about where I’d gone and why. Thing’s like I’d gotten pregnant, or I’d ran off to be with the secret boyfriend I wasn’t allowed to date. Things to do with drugs and gangs. You know, stuff like that.”

He looked confused, so I continued.
“There was one, and it seemed to surface often, that said I’d joined a cult. I never confirmed that one, but unlike the others, I never denied it. I guess that’s what my family came to believe actually happened. They were so thrilled when I came home though, they were terribly worried, as you’d imagine. They had questions, but when it became clear I’d never answer them, they stopped asking.” I laughed dryly. “Logan, why do you think my family puts up with so much?" I asked, shaking my head. "I see the hurt and pain in my mother’s eyes everyday. She knows I’m lying and it kills her, but she’ll never ask for fear it’d drive me away. They’re so terrified that I’ll leave again, because whether they want to acknowledge it or not, they know they can’t stop me.”
His eyes, that had been looking at the ground looked up and met mine. “Will you? Will you leave?”
I sighed. “Maybe. Sometimes I think I will. All I know is, one day it’s going to be too much, for both them and me. They’ll be in too much danger and I’ll have no choice but to go.”
He took a step towards me, almost standing up against me now. “But you don’t want to.” He said it matter-of-factly, not as a question. I answered anyway.
I shook my head, and then looked up at him. “No, I don’t. It’s more that that though,” I said, staring into his eyes. “It’s as if I don’t want let go of the person I used to be. I know I’m not her anymore; I haven’t been for a long time. I just can’t seem to let her go. I don’t want to let her go.”
His eyes, held such an intensity, that I seemed to feel it in the air. He was looking down at me and it felt as though he was staring into my soul. “Then don’t” he said.