The next day wasn’t as bad as I’d imagined it would be. Most of the day centred on my sister, so not a lot of people paid attention to me. I arrived back at home when I’d promised my mother I would, and I helped her set up, although we hardly spoke. If she was able to tell something was wrong with me, she didn’t ask and I appreciated that. I hadn’t slept much the night before so I was in a fairly bitter mood for most of the day. People hurried around, changing things and making sure everything was perfect. I spent most of the morning putting up balloons so I had the excuse of being out of breath whenever anyone wanted to chat.
However I knew it wasn’t fair to be like that, not to my sister, so as the day went on I lightened up a fair bit. I’d decided early on in the day not to dwell on the issues and the problems I had going on in my life. I’d made a promise to myself to only focus on today. And today was about my family. I owed them that.
I’d already made plans to spend the rest of the weekend at 'Erin’s' so when the party ended and after I quickly helped clean up, I got ready to head to the Manor.
“Hey Rox.” I turned near the front door and found my brother Dan standing in the doorway smiling at me. “You sneaking off without saying bye?”
I smiled. “Sorry” I walked over and gave him a hug, which he returned, rubbing my back with his hand.
Out of all my siblings, he and I are most similar. We both have the same shade of brown hair and similar complexions. We also see the world in a very similar way. Growing up we spent a lot of time together and we were very close.
“I haven’t seen you around much today, something on your mind?” he asked, brushing back my hair.
“Always” I quipped, and then smiled apologetically “Yeah sorry, I’ve had my head in the clouds. Finals, you know.” Finals had finished for me last week and lying made me feel guilty. I hoped it didn’t show on my face.
“Is that all it is? Mom said you’ve been acting strange” he gave me a look.
I laughed. “What? More than usual?”

He smiled, shaking his head. “You know what I mean. The last few years, I don’t know, it’s like you’re another person with a whole other life.”
I gulped. What could I tell him? He was spot on. I was another person and I did have a whole other life. A whole other dark, twisted, complicated life, which was way too dangerous for him to ever know about. The truth was, I was no where near being that same person I had been two years ago. Not even close. Did I want him to know that though? No way!
So I fixed him with what I hoped was a persuasive smile. “It’s called being a teenager you know. You were one, oh, about 5 years ago” I laughed shakily. “Then you grew up and got all serous.”
“Serious? Hey, I didn’t see you taking part in the food fight before.” He smiled wickedly. “But me? I led and won it. Take that being serious. Just because I’m an adult, doesn’t mean I have to be serious all the time.”
I smiled at him, just happy to see him so happy. I’d really missed seeing him around; he’d been busy too lately and hadn’t come around the house a lot. I missed the times when I’d been able to sit back and actually be a teenager. A teenager who was never happier, when I was sitting back, making fun of my brothers and goofing around.
But again, I wasn’t that person anymore. Maybe it would be better if I let my family go, maybe that was the right thing to do. I had things in my life I couldn’t share with them. They were hurt by my secrets and soon, one day the damage those secrets caused, would be too much for me to repair. I sighed. “I’ve got to go.” I said, giving Dan another goodbye hug.
“That’s right, to 'Erin’s' huh?” he made quotation marks in the air when he said the word Erin’s. “I know that’s not where you go Rox,” he nodded towards the living room, where the rest of my family was “and so do they.”

My stomach fell. I’d always had a feeling that they weren’t as blind as I’d hoped they were. But actually having my brother say it out loud, it hurt. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I told him quietly, looking down at my hands. “Where else would I be?”
“I don’t know” he shrugged “Why don’t you tell me?”
I said nothing.
“It’s okay” he said slowly. “I don’t know why you lie Rox. No one does, but I do know you. I know the person you are. You’re good and kind. You wouldn’t do it unless you had no choice. Unless it was important. I trust your judgement and that you’re making the right choice for you, and probably us. I just wish you’d trust me enough to tell me what it was.”
I felt so bad. I don’t have the words to say how bad. My brother is a good guy; he’s been there for me at moments when no one else was. I know he’d do anything to help me. Anything. This is why I lied. I couldn’t risk him. I couldn’t take the chance he could get hurt. I don’t think I could live with myself if something happened to him, not because of me. “Dan, I have no idea what you talking about” I said, perfectly calm.
He nodded, his face upset. “If that’s what you say then. I don’t believe you,” he looked at me, smiling slightly, his eyes dark “but I trust you. If you say that, then I believe it’s for the best. But if you’re ever in trouble or you need anything, you know you can always turn to me, okay? I can help you.”
I cracked, feeling a tear run down my cheek. Seeing him, hearing him tell me those things, hurt me more than any vampire ever had. More than Micah, more than any hunter. Because no matter what he did or what he said, he couldn’t help me. My fate was sealed. “You can’t help me, no one can” I said quietly.
He looked at me alarmed. “Rox, what is it? Tell me” he took a step towards me, but stopped when I held up my hand.
“No. It’s alright, really” I wiped the tear from my cheek. “Sorry, Dan. It’s been a long day, that’s all.” It wasn’t all, not by a long shot.
He kept looking at me, still looking worried. “If you're sure?”
“I am.” I walked over to him and kissed him on his cheek. “Thank-you, but I really need to go.”
“Okay, take care sis.”
I looked at him one more time in his brown eyes, almost a mirror of my own. “I will.” I promised, even though I wasn’t sure it was a promise I could keep.

I sat outside the house, in my Toyota, for what seemed like forever. My heart sped and I bent over and placed my head in between my knees, like they tell you to do. It didn’t help; it only gave me the onset of a migraine. My breathing was fast and I felt the breakdown I’d been waiting for, coming on. But I couldn’t, I told myself, I couldn’t. I had to be strong. I had to stay strong, for Claudia and Callie. They needed me to keep my head on right. I was no good to anyone if I fell apart. But I felt empty and it was eating me up. I’d been through so much, how much more could I take? Micah was back and my family situation was falling apart. I was working with hunters. Hunters that hated me and with one that confused the hell outta me, drove me mad, and could make my heart flutter, for no apparent reason, all at the same time.
Oh, god! I was loosing it. I laughed. Was this what it was like to go mad?
No.
I was not mad, I was not insane, I told myself. I’d had the longest day and I’d had hardly any sleep. It was the lack of sleep, that’s all. That was what was getting to me.
I could handle this, I told myself, willing it to be true. I thought back over everything I’d faced in the last two years and everything I’d accomplished. I couldn’t continue to see myself as this weak person I sometimes did. Father Riley had been right; it wasn’t fair on me to second guess everything in my life, not to mention the choices I make. I had to be bigger than who I used to be. I had to let go. It was the only way I’d stay sane. It was the only way I’d survive.
By the time I had driven back and found myself walking down the halls of the Manor, I felt a hundred times better. I was going to focus on finding Micah and dealing with him. Once he was gone and no longer played a part in my life, then, and only then would I sort out the other issues in my life. I shouldn’t worry about the things I couldn’t change. And my family? Well, as long as I kept my secrets and kept them out of it, they would be safe. I couldn’t ask for anything more than that at the moment.

I was almost at the entrance of the gym when I stopped short. I could see Claudia sneaking out of a bedroom up ahead. She held her heels in her hand, had a guilty look on her face, and was very quietly shutting the door behind her. This was just what I needed. Gossip.
“Claudia, what are you doing?” I said, walking towards her.
She jumped. “Oh, Rox. Don’t do that! You scared me half to death” she said clutching her heart.
I smiled. “I-” I broke off, looking at the door number then back to Claudia. “Isn’t this Ben’s room?”
She smiled at me, cheekily “Oh God, I hope that was him in the bed. I was fairly drunk last night.”
“Claudia!” I said, shocked. This was a lot, even for her. We worked with Ben, we lived with Ben. We saw him almost everyday.
“Its just a little bit of fun, Rox, lighten up” she told me linking her arm through mine and leading me down the hall, back the way I’d come. She obviously didn’t think this was as big a deal as I did.
Ben was a nice guy. Serious and warrior-like. He didn’t play around, unlike Claudia. I laughed “Claude, Ben’s not like that, he’s not like you. You’ll break his heart.” Oh, god she would. I knew what she was like. She even had a t-shirt that had ‘heart breaker’ written on it.
But she was smiling. “Ben’s a big boy. He can take care of himself, besides-” she broke off and sniffed the air “What is that smell?”
“I don’t know.” And I didn’t, but boy, did it smell good. “It’s coming from the kitchen.”
“Good, lets check it out.” She gave me adventurous grin and pulled me down the hall, towards the kitchen.
When we entered the small kitchen, we both burst out laughing.