An open letter to my people

Today was a day to remember.
Today I discovered a group of humans who seem to actually like me.
This is what self-esteem must feel like.

Thank you for your kind words.

Now, I know the right thing for me to do is end this letter graciously and move on with my life.
But the real reason I am writing this is to see how this "situation" is going to benefit me.
I will be completely honest, I am too self-absorbed to chitchat with ya'll and develop friendships.
I am not a vengeful god, but a negligent one.

What am seeking is not money, not fame. I don't care about basking
in the warm light of the praising comments I have received today.

I want sex.

I have not had sex since January 5th of this year.
I know, I know.
"But, RatsRgods", you say, "I am still a virgin and have only seen the female form on vhs and beta."

Well, this isn't about you, loser!

Here are the rules if you want to bang me:

-You must come to me. I am not horny enough to travel for sex.
-You must not wear hemp.
-You must not have crazy eyes (I will be the judge of that, because if you do have crazy eyes, you are most likely unaware of it).
-No tattoos of cartoon characters.
-You must not be so large that I may find lost items such your drivers license or a Twisler hidden in your rolls.
-You must not practice Wicca or have ever practiced Wicca in the past.
**Ladies are welcome ;)**


I will tell you this about the experience that may or may not occur:

-You will definitely be disappointed when I take my clothes off. But the good thing about that is, after the lights go off and the disappointment wanes, you will get laid.

-If I do not orgasm I will say really cruel things about your genitals to your face and on the 'Good Reads' message boards.

-I will not take you to see the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame afterwards.

-You have to realize that you are taking the risk of traveling to see me and possibly having to turn right back around because I was hiding behind a large fern in the airport in disguise and was not happy with your appearance and I booked it the fuck of out there. For your benefit, I suggest being mildly attractive. If you are too attractive it will intimidate me and I will flee.)



Thank you again. And keep the comments coming.
Because every time I read one, that is one more therapist appointment I can skip.