Wedding Reception Speech: Best Man

Hello everyone,
My name is Paul Schlotterbeck. I am Patrick's best man. I was told that my job, excuse me, ONE of my jobs as best man is to come up here and give a speech to everyone and to tell everyone, to list for everyone all the good qualities about Patrick. However, if you know Patrick, you know that any one of us could stand up here and rattle off qualities for hours and still not even come close to completing that last. So I won't. I won't even try.

I WOULD like to thank other people, however.

Brumleys - Thank you for so many things. I've learned a lot about myself because of you, whether you meant for that to happen or not. I've learned many lessons from you. Lessons like "don't go to work on the farm with an empty stomach and a hangover." Thank you. They don't teach lessons like that in school. And thank you for producing such a wonderful, trustworthy, patient, sweet-smelling, fun.....daughter. Jennifer, you're wonderful, and if I was a botanist, I would reserve the best flowers so that I could name them after you. The Jennalium Brummelliad. It sounds like something I would like to have sitting on my dinner table. I would save that one for you. Thank you also, Brumley family, for being so hospitable and caring. I have eaten more of your food than any non-family member ever should. You've been a great set of second parents.

Shoulta Family - Parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, grandparents, etcetera - Thank you for shaping and influencing Erin. Without sounding too cheesy, I want to thank you for creating a woman that compliments Patrick better than anyone I have ever known. She is a great friend, and I trust her very much to make Patrick a happy husband. I trust her with that job more than I would trust anyone else.

I want to take this time to especially thank Erin. Erin, I have already said what a great friend you have been to me, and I have nothing but the fullest faith that you will take excellent care of my best friend, Patrick. Thank you so much for making this a smooth transition between Patrick and myself.
Not all of you may know that Patrick and I lived with each other for more than 5 years. Some of our friends made the point some years ago that we more than qualified to be a legal union. 4 years ago, if an amendment had passed, we would have been entitled to half of each other's belongings. How I look back and wish that amendment had been successful. After he moved out, I would have had claim to broken furniture and pounds of body hair and piles of empty CD cases. And his old, gold Ford Nugget with its pungent aroma of a locker room lined with rows of backed up garbage disposals. It was truly a worthy chariot for Patrick back then.

You see, Patrick and I lived together during college and after college graduation. I have helped Patrick through his valleys, and I have witnessed him ascend to his peaks. Those valleys often included missed bills and canned meat. They have been few and far between. Those peaks that I mentioned involved Erin more often than not. So it is with all my confidence that I hereby divorce Patrick and give him to you, Erin. You have earned him. And I don't think you have witnessed many valleys. I hope you never do. But in the event that they happen, I want you to know that I can be called upon to help wheelbarrow Patrick back into shape with you.

I don't want anyone to think that I have any less appreciation or care for Patrick. I love him. Truly and completely. He is my brother, and I live with the knowledge that if I need help, he is one person that I will always be able to call upon to help me. Erin, I want you to feel as confident in the fact that if you ever need help, whether it is help with Patrick or completely independent of him, that I will be there for you. You both share that quality now. I will always be here for you both.

Congratulations.

I love you both.