Prayer to a blue-eyed Jesus

Prayer to a Blue-Eyed Jesus

For Charissa and my Friends at Axis Mundi


Blue-eyed, Blonde haired Jesus can you offer me some bulk purchase salvation?

I promise to wear my hair short, get my teeth whitened, vote republican, eat lots of red meat. I promise to screw only missionary, only when I am married and never lust after women who aren’t my wife. I promise to carry my bible into combat, kill righteously, look down on towel heads and love John Wayne.

Blue-eyed, Blonde haired Jesus, can I be part of the special clan, that stares doe-eyed at the Father for eternity, in the New Jerusalem?

I promise to lay off the porn. I promise to pretend that homosexuals will burn in hell for eternity because they put their cocks in places they shouldn’t be. I promise to have a flat screen TV, watch the NFL religiously and have a WWJD on the back of my pure white SUV.

Blue-eyed, Blonde haired Jesus will you let me in your giant treehouse. Will you send me some saint to teach me the secret knock?

I promise to pretend that there are no starving children, that they don’t die the day they are born, covered in flies. I promise to pretend we are not murdering the Earth, that our job is to be fruitful and multiply, not ask questions all the time. I promise to look the other way at pederast priests and money-grubbing ministers. I promise to pretend the Buddha wasn’t wise and Mohammad was evil and six million Jews deserved to die.

Blue-eyed, Blonde haired Jesus will you let me through your pearly gates, write my name in your book of life for all my enemies to see?

I promise to pretend you were Blue-eyed and Blonde haired even though you were an Israelite, that your robes were always spotless and your teeth pearly white. I promise to read the Bible literally and invoke it every chance and pray in public over my ½ pound hamburger and run up my credit cards seeking the divine. I promise to live on my knees instead of die on my feet until you come again in your Technicolor, Dolby surround sound, glory.