Love At Sunset

Nobody knows exactly when Fajar fell in love with Senja. They had grown up together in the same neighborhood. They had gone to the same school, although in different grades.

The quiet Fajar had always been keenly aware of the little girl with ponytails who lived next door. How many times had Fajar - who was in fifth grade at the time - tirelessly returned Senja’s errant ball from a game of jacks that bounced into his yard? Every time Fajar noticed Senja steal a glance at his jambu tree, he would immediately and with great agility climb the tree to pick a bagful of sweet jambu for the little girl. Oh no, Fajar never missed a chance to attract Senja’s attention. But throughout their youth and until they were grown, Senja, who was a year younger than Fajar, never seemed to notice the interest that Fajar had for her. Perhaps, it was because he was not good at talking.

Senja had no idea that Fajar was in love with her. But for Fajar, no matter how many years went by, no matter how many girls passed through his life, no one could take the place of Senja in his heart.

“Big brother, don’t you have someone to call on? Miss Senja sends you her regards!”

As they grew older Fajar’s five younger brothers and sisters gradually became aware of his feelings for Senja. They started to tease him about it, especially on Saturday nights. Fajar would only respond with a bashful smile and adjustment of his glasses, which seemed to slide down his nose with ever greater frequency every time Senja’s name was mentioned.

Every now and then his brothers would bring him a cake and tell him it was from Senja. But Fajar knew that his brothers and sisters, Mimi, Vita, Dira, Odi, and Leon only said that to make him feel happy.

And even after Fajar had become a young man, handsome and intelligent, still he could not summon the courage to pour his heart out to Senja. There were, indeed, lots of girls on his campus who were eager to date him. But Senja never seemed interested and for Fajar it was only Senja whom he wanted.

Why doesn’t Senja care about me? Fajar asked himself this question repeatedly. It was impossible that Senja and her family did not notice all the signs of affection that overflowed from Fajar.

“Jar…Fajar!”

Senja’s panic stricken screams along with the frantic banging on the door instantly launched Fajar out of his bed. He threw open the door. Senja’s nervous face drew his attention like a magnet. Only later did he realize that Senja’s blushing face signaled that his sarong was not properly tied. But no expression of apology for his unkempt appearance was ever uttered. Senja’s pale face and trembling lips told him something terrible had happened.

“It’s Papa, Jar… He’s sick. He looks really bad. Can you…?”

Without waiting for her to finish her sentence, Fajar grabbed his drivers license and told his brothers and sisters to watch their mother.

Fajar himself drove Senja’s family Mercedes. For the first time Fajar and Senja sat side by side. In the back seat Senja’s mother held her ailing husband, who was having trouble breathing.

“Hurry up, Fajar.”

Senja’s anxiousness washed away his sleepiness and he accelerated without any fear of the dark road that lay before them.

“Pray, Senja. Pray.”

He was hoping he could hold Senja’s small hand and by so doing calm her. But the only words he could speak were the ones he had just spoken and all he could do was to listen to Senja’s polite apologies for putting him to such trouble.

Alhamdulillah, that evening Senja’s father got help quickly. The doctor asked the old man to stay at the hospital for a few more days of care, so Fajar and Senja had to hurry home to get her father some clothes and various other necessities.

“Mama can watch Papa. Thanks, Fajar.” Mama Senja’s soft voice was like a soothing blessing to Fajar. Once on the road again, Fajar began to feel almost joyful. His thoughts soared with happiness, like a golf ball driven high into the sky by a pro golfer!

But only a week later Fajar felt forgotten – he saw Senja walking along the road with one of those good looking mixed blood guys. She is chatting happily and smiling brightly, and the sparkle in her eyes broke Fajar’s heart.

________________


She has never been as sad as today.

“Is your passport ready?”

Hesitantly, Senja nodded. The clever girl has won a scholarship to continue her studies at a Japanese university. A golden opportunity Mama had said. An opportunity that would make other parents jealous.

Senja is 24 now, and on the eve of her departure for Japan she realized for the first time she will never marry Fajar. That handsome and kindhearted boy next door apparently never thought of her as special. After years of waiting, the realization came too late to her. She had never given her heart to another. It was only natural then that for the past few months this sweet girl had cried herself to sleep every night. How she regretted the day long ago when, as a very little girl, she felt certain that she held a special place in Fajar’s heart. And the truth of it all? Until this very day Fajar had never expressed feelings for her; probably because he did not have any.

Her eyes welled with tears. If he has no feelings for her why is he always so quick to help her or her family? The ball from the game of jacks she would roll into Fajar’s yard on purpose, he always brought back to her, didn’t he?

“Maybe he just happened to be standing outside at the time. Don’t be sad, Senja.”

Senja nodded. Her nose was red. She let her head fall on her mother’s lap. It was only the two of them since Papa had died. Fajar had secretly hoped that he would become the man of the house, taking Papa’s place. But it turned out that he was too busy caring for his brothers and sisters and paying the bills; there was school tuition, his mother’s medicine, all the household bills, and many other responsibilities as well.

Over time his glasses grew thicker and thicker, though he was still handsome. In truth, Senja never really objected to being the last priority in Fajar’s life. She was an only child and her family happily fulfilled all her desires – all but one. She never got Fajar. Not only that, but as of this day she was going to be separated from the only person she had ever given her heart to.

Senja took a deep breath. Maybe in his eyes she is just like his other siblings. Maybe that is why Fajar never responded when she sent him her regards or never thanked him for the cakes she had baked for him.

"Senja, are you ready? Don’t be late to the airport, honey.”

Senja got up. She kissed her mother’s hand and stole a quick glance at Fajar’s house which was quite noisy that afternoon. Maybe there was a birthday party. A rush of memories swept her back to the old days. Fajar would never forget to make a simple birthday party for Mimi, Vita, Dira, Odi, and Leon. They were the luckiest brothers and sisters in the world. Maybe she should include herself in that list because never once did Fajar forget to send her birthday presents. The brothers and sisters always brought them to her house. And she thought it was a sign of love.

___________________________


Time flies, as fast as autumn leaves blown from their branches. Fajar and Senja were no exception.

Thirty years had passed – thirty years since Fajar and Senja had broken each others’ hearts. And now here, on the veranda of Fajar’s house, they sat side by side facing the street in front of the house. It was a peaceful afternoon for two hearts that had also found peace – Fajar the handsome bachelor and Senja the sweet-hearted only child. They were now far from their youth.

“How are you, Fajar?”

He does not answer immediately. He clears his throat several times and straightens his glasses, which are always sliding down his nose. The day is quiet. His five younger brothers and sisters had long ago left the house to start families of their own.

“I’m fine, Senja. How are your children?” Senja looked up. Her wrinkled eyes were still bright. She had two children, the fruit of her marriage to her Japanese professor. He had been a good man, though Senja had never loved him deeply. He had died several years ago.

“They’re fine. They took their grandmother shopping.”

He had never married, never had children, never tired of waiting for Senja.

“They’re beautiful.”

Just like you…words that only played in his head.

Dear God, when will he be able to look straight into Senja’s eyes and tell her that he loves her? His one and only love. What else is there except to tell her?

“Our discussion yesterday. Were you serious?”

Fajar was shocked. He felt his stomach begin to cramp. Was it her foreign education that taught her to speak so directly?

Last night Fajar had made the biggest decision of his life. He was determined. After all those long, tiring years, he had finally felt brave enough to speak.

“Will you marry me, Senja?”

The question startled Senja. Just a day before, she had arrived in Jakarta after decades of following her husband who taught first at one university then at another in many different countries. Only occasionally had she visited her own country during those years. And when at first Fajar saw the ring with a single diamond sparkling from her finger, he lost all hope.

Then, last night, who knows where he got the strength from? He was sure he must look stupid to Senja, but he blurted out the question anyway, without any preparation.

Sitting by his side, Senja smiled. She gazed at him directly. Fajar could not dodge her stare. There was no room to hide.

“Of course we’ll get married. That is, if you agree.” he said.

Senja was surprised. Fajar had been making progress with his shyness. But where are the sweet words of love that should come before those magical words? But to tell the truth, Fajar’s words made her heart skip a beat. She did not mind a bit that those sweet, romantic words were missing. After his phone call last night, she felt the kind of happiness that only young lovers were supposed to feel. Her children noticed and teased her all night long. This is true happiness. It’s not a dream.

Sitting beside her, Fajar smiled happily. He was so full of love. The man whose sideburns had started to turn grey was ready to pour out his feelings when suddenly the smile left Senja’s face. A most disturbing thought had crossed her mind. Why on earth did he say this only now? Senja had never for a moment regretted her marriage and her children. And she was not the sort of person who sat around wishing she could change the past. No, she was not like that. It was only that…Fajar should have done this so long ago! It would have saved so much energy – the longing, the missing him for all those years that had drained her so. The secret love that she had kept for so long.

“Why do you say all this now?” Senja blurted out.

Fajar was not ready for this. He had thought it would all be a simple matter – Senja would either say yes or no, and in either case everything would be settled.

Fajar felt nervous. It seemed like minutes had passed, but Senja did not shift her gaze from him.

“Answer me, Jar!”

If only he could dodge the question or put the whole matter back in her lap. But he could not bear to describe his long years of waiting for her – waiting which had exhausted his energy and weakened his nerves. Unreturned love!

What is so important about this? Why open old wounds?

But Senja continued to wait silently, persistently. No other word passed her lips.

“I was so stupid, Senja. But this stupid guy knows what to do now! It isn’t that I just suddenly decided to ask you to marry me. It was just…”

Senja regarded him with unfathomable eyes.

“I love you so much, Senja. Really! There has never been any other girl.”

Senja raised her eyebrows.

“Is that really true?”

“That’s how much I love you. It hurts so much, not being with the one you love.”

Senja felt tightness in her chest. Advancing age had left her with a touch of heart disease. Thinking about Fajar and his sudden proposal made her heart beat so heavily she thought it would burst.

“Why didn’t you tell me long ago?”

Farar was taken aback. He had only said that he loved her. Why is she suddenly attacking him?

“What…what’s the difference?” he asked, trying to defend himself.

Silence. The only answer was the clear tears that filled her eyes. Fajar felt himself blessed.

“So for all this time…” the fifty year old man struggled to finish his sentence, “ so for all this time you loved me?”

Senja nodded. Her eyes were wet. From a distance the call to afternoon prayers could be heard. She had an overwhelming urge to run to the mosque and surrender herself in prayer. Dear God, what is the meaning of all this?

“Why didn’t you ever tell me, Senja?”

Why didn’t she ever tell him?

Fajar’s question stirred her anger. Why should she be the one to speak? Why not the man?

“Because I am the woman. That’s why!” Senja’s voice had suddenly become harsh. “It’s not for a woman to speak of such things!”

“Why not?” Fajar’s voice had now become loud. Senja was startled. She had never heard him speak like that; never to her, never to his brothers and sisters, never as long as they had been neighbors.

“Feelings belong to everyone. It’s not just men who should talk about their feelings. Woman should too! They should be more sensitive in these matters.”

“Are you saying I’m insensitive? Is that how it is?”

“I didn’t mean it like that…”

“I know what you mean. Women should be sensitive, and if a woman is not sensitive, a man can lose his courage.”

“Senja, why is this becoming so complicated?”

Fajar did not understand. This afternoon should have been a perfect and beautiful for them both – the sweet answer to years of waiting. His one true love should understand him, not argue with him.

“Why do I have to be the one to understand? Why shouldn’t the man be more understanding? Why is it always the woman who supposedly misunderstands?”

Fajar cannot understand why Senja is getting so angry. And Senja cannot understand how it is that the man she adores can be so stupid.

Long ago she had forgiven him because she had thought he did not love her. Now she knows he loves her. But he had kept his feeling a secret all these years, allowing her to make desperately difficult decisions without knowing his true feelings, without the sweet support of his love. For this, she could not forgive him. And yet…Fajar loves her. Only Fajar.

They look at each other. They can see the love in each other’s eyes.

“Senja, answer me.” His voice is sincere, pleading. And yet she knows that two people who love each other should not be pleading. They should understand everything just by looking at each other.

Senja closed her eyes. She let the echo of all those pale years, years without color, years without feeling, reverberate in the stillness. Love so great…

Slowly Senja raised her head, surprised, herself, at the strange words she uttered: “If something is too late, maybe it’s better not to start.”

Fajar gave a start. He looked at her, not believing what he had just heard.

The heavy silence muffled the sound of Senja’s steps. Her image became more and more blurred as Fajar watched her slowly walk away.