Escaping the Church Ladies - Circa 2007 by Jane Ballard

I've been besieged by Church Ladies in the last few months; they seem to be following me around. This being the rural South, I shouldn't be surprised, although you'd think they'd realize this is the 21st century and not everyone considers themselves a Bible thumper.

The first one was an elderly white poll worker in my postage stamp-sized voting precinct, who, after verifying my white, presumably Christian identity, inquired as to whether I had a church home. The middle-aged black lady working with her rolled her eyes dramatically, apparently used to Grandma's aggressive Ku Klux Klan recruiting techniques. Being raised to display manners toward my elders, I responded, "No ma'am, I don't," while returning the black lady's eye rolling. Grandma then issued an invitation to her place of worship which,(in the best tradition of Dave Barry I swear I am not making up) was Antioch Baptist Church.

I got out of that encounter fairly easily, but not as easily deterred was New Hometown Church Lady, whom I met this past weekend in the process of finding a good home for the Last Supper. You will recall that I saved this artistic monstrosity from the trash, where The Banshe had tossed it, because despite having turned away from traditional Christian methodology, I still cannot consign a picture of our Lord and Savior to the trash. It is simply not what a good Southern Questioning Christianity girl does. In this day and age, she puts it on her local Freecycle and asks someone to take it off her hands.

Thus did New Hometown Church Lady step forward. In her initial email, she not only expressed interest in acquisition, but informed me which church she attended. In her second, she suggested a nearby meeting place -- a cafe that was always closed whenever we breezed into town -- and asked which church I attended.

The actual hand-off took less time than answering her emails -- she and her husband, a nice fella, had planned to buy me lunch, but I fended that one off by having prescriptions to pick up in Farmville. She then emailed me twice more to ask if I'd be interested in attending her church, then invited me to a non-denominational bible study she'd be starting in February.

I don't know why I'm such a magnet for Church Ladies. I certainly haven't been attacked by any Church Men (not that I'm open to that). Perhaps my ambivalence about Christianity shows; maybe it's just because most Southern churches are big on proselytizing. Whatever it is, I'm hoping I've had my quota of Church Ladies for now. Otherwise, I may have to get rude and fork them some devil horns.