In Defense of the Late Morning

IN DEFENSE OF THE LATE MORNING
by

Linda Orvis


First come the thrashings, then the moanings and groanings, followed by the sighings and yawnings. Other noises ensue but are too indelicate to mention. Then, ever so slowly, with much pain and consternation, my husband puts his feet on the floor and begins his morning--or should I say late morning?
Our productivity in society seemed doomed from the beginning. You see, I suffer with him. Not because I'm empathetic, but because, I too, am not a morning person.
The phrase "not a morning person" has served this pristine group of nonconformists well. Before the term surfaced they had no appropriate description. They simply felt guilty without benefit of a proper label and tolerated such characterizations as: lazy, slow starter, night owl, lay about, slug abed. At least with the invention of morning and non-morning, they are given credibility.
The "non-morningites" have long been a suppressed people. Even the Bible condemned and scorned them for sleeping too late. But Psalms says, "It is vain for you to rise up early, to sit up late, to eat the bread of sorrow: for so he giveth his beloved sleep." (Psalms 127:2)
A non-morning person doesn't view the world the same as a
morning zealot. Those with puffy eyes and grumpy dispositions when awakened too early, posses thought processes that go something like this: "Why are those dang birds chirping? Stuff a worm down that big mouth!" or "What is that light? Why does the sun have to be so ridiculously bright?" or "Who's singing? Who's cheerful? Gag him! He's making me sick."
Who made the rules? I bet if extensive investigation were done the answer would be...a morning person. Morning people have a way of acting self-righteous, superior, yes, downright priggish about their sleep habits. Do you ever hear a non-morning person say things like: "While you slept your life away last night, I read Tolstoy," or "Why do you go to bed at 9:30? It's the shank of the evening." No, you don't hear this from non-morning people. They are humble in their habits. They don't act as though they are better than someone else because they sleep differently.
Perhaps we are too passive. Perhaps we should unite and become militant. Who says most employment should start at 7:30 or 8:00 a.m.? Isn't it job discrimination to show preference to early risers? Why should there be "early bird" discounts at movies? How about "late owl" specials? So the early bird gets the worm, huh? Who wants a yucky worm anyway? Let us not forget the owl gets the mouse! So ha!
Have you ever been to a party, and a wife or husband announce they'd better be going because their spouse is an early riser? The whole party, heads nodding, disperses.
I'd like to see, just once, a wife say, "We will have to continue partying until at least 1:00 in the morning. Fred is a night person and needs his activity."
What if there were no night people? Who'd take care of the zombie four-year-old who wakes up at three in the morning? Who would put out fires, tend to hospital patients, wait for the teenager to come home? And most important, who'd frequent the twenty-four-hour convenience marts? If it weren't for night people, crime would increase. No self-respecting burglar breaks into a house with David Letterman and potato chip sounds crunching from the bedroom.
All the morning people I know rave about the sunrise. On a vacation to Hawaii, our friends wanted us to wake at 5:00 a.m. to bicycle up a volcano and watch the sunrise. We were on vacation! I bought a postcard instead. At least my eyes didn't burn when I looked at it. Besides, I'll pit a sunset against a sunrise any day.
Many marriages are on the brink of disaster due to unmatched rising practices. Who gives in? Do you ever hear of a morning person changing their ways to accommodate their nocturnal mate? Rarely.
A family of non-morningites I know lives by a code of natural behavior. When their children are left to make their own decisions about sleep, they wake at around 10:00, and retire for the night at 1:00 a.m. They are, without exception, all this way. There are six of them, and even when they were babies they exercised these habits. They are well adjusted, happy, productive individuals. But because society yields to the superciliousness of morning superiority, false though it may be, these children will spend the rest of their lives adjusting and feeling guilty.
When others are asleep, one son rebuilds an engine in the garage. The mother has been known to scrub the kitchen floor after midnight. Painting, reading, indoor exercise, business correspondence, chores and many other activities occur during the night hours in this home. Their energy peaks at around 9:00 p.m. while others are winding down. This family's productivity, accomplished without the interruptions that occur during the day, can be matched to any morning devotee. Yet, society will call them lazy.
Hasn't this injustice gone on long enough? Night people of
America, arise! (not too early now). UNITE! Demand breakfasts at fast food restaurants be served until 1:00 p.m., insist on late-night specials, start a write-in campaign for a "Good Night America" program, cancel your morning paper. Educate your children. Educate your friends. Covert or overt, stop this social tyranny!
A respected night person spoke for us all when she stated, "If God had wanted us to see the sunrise, he'd have made it later in the day."