Technology a'la Bloody Stupid Johnson

Technology can be an amazing thing. Often times, a new item or idea comes along that makes our lives so convenient that we don’t know how we ever lived without it. Other times, a new technology arises that initially seems like a good idea, but once it’s put into practice we discover obvious design problems and limitations. Whenever one of these great ideas comes to life, we slap our foreheads and say “That’s a no-brainer! Why didn’t somebody think of this sooner?” Then later we find ourselves muttering curses under our breath at the dolt who came up with such a bloody stupid idea.

One of these wonderful-yet-terrible new technologies is the voice-activated automated phone system. You know what I’m talking about…you dial a customer service number and you’re in one of those endless loops of an automated answering system. “If you want this, press one; if you want that, press two” and so on. I hate those things. I hate them like terriers hate rodents. But then somebody had a great idea and made them “better”. No longer did you have to take the cordless receiver away from your ear each time you were asked to press a button. Instead, some of these systems became voice-activated, and we now have the choice to “Say or press one; say or press two” and so on.

The person who came up with the voice-activated system did not have a dog. I know this, because if he or she had, this invention never would have made it out of the gate. It seems inevitable that as soon as I dial one of these services, my dogs either notice a man with an axe outside my window or decide to fight for property rights of a single piece of kibble.


The exchanges most always turn out like this:

System: “If you want this, say or press one…”

My dogs (often from the next room): “Arf arf arf arf arf woof woof arf!”

System: “I’m sorry, but I didn’t understand that. If you want this, say or press one…”

My dogs: “Growl barkbarkbarkbarkbark!”

System: “I’m sorry, but I still didn’t understand that. Let’s try again. If you want this, say or press one…”


My dogs: “Yipe! Woofwoofwoof Bark BaRK!”


This is when I hang up and go sort out whatever is making the dogs carry on. This, I suppose, is their version of “saying or pressing one” to get what they want. I’ll try again another day.