SAD
by Karen Duryea
genre:
Nonfiction
description:
why I've been writing a paper for over a decade
chapters
chapter 1:
a life in shadow
a life in shadow
chapter 1
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updated 02/12/08
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4022 characters
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0 people liked it
Social anxiety disorder: the oft-misunderstood, misdiagnosed, paralyzing, debilitating, stigma-carrying monster that has monopolized my life.
Like many people with social anxiety, I've never spoken with a doctor about my condition, I am self- diagnosed. In fact, I find it extremely difficult to discuss with even my closest friends.
Shyness is not the same thing. I think it's very important to make that distinction. People with social anxiety disorder have an intense fear of social situations. It's not simply a case of being shy. We know our fears are irrational but we can't control them. Some people have specific triggers such as public speaking that cause social anxiety. Others, like me, have general social anxiety. That means that most social situations cause extreme discomfort and anxiety.
Social anxiety disorder is a chronic condition. Most have it for at least 10 years but some for a lifetime. Because of the nature of the condition, most sufferers do not seek treatment. It usually starts early in life. I've had it almost as long as I can remember- I think it started around school age, maybe about 5 years old. Previously I was a social child, blissfully happy and gregarious.
I vividly remember intense fear over simple social interactions at school. I was mortified when a teacher told me I had to use the school supplied pencil box rather than the brand new one I had purchased. It was ridiculously embarrassing to me, I immediately hated my brief brush with being the center of attention and I perceived the teacher as being upset with me somehow. Though my initial reaction to the event sounds asinine to me now, I still feel anxious thinking about it—almost 3 decades later! I must have been in 1st or 2nd grade and that's the last time I remember speaking in class voluntarily and without fear.
It's a tough lot in life; desire for social contact overshadowed by fight-or-flight response to get as far away from social contact as possible. On top of my social awkwardness, I have really bad hearing. So I'm quiet and I can't hear you, so I may not respond appropriately. A double whammy that ensures that I'm perceived as snobby and aloof.
Seriously, I would not go through school again for any amount of money. I'd rather be anally raped by a buffalo.
Often I deal with my anxiety by avoiding situations that cause said anxiety. I'm an observer, sitting by the sidelines, I notice all. Just can't talk about it.
It's not people I'm afraid of. It's the amount of anxiety, judgment, and negative self-appraisal experienced before, during, and after a social event. I literally began worrying about my performance review the moment I knew I had gotten the job at Hachette Book Group. Six months of terror and nightmares, bouts of crying and feelings of doom. When I received a glowing review after 6 months of anxiety-ridden new job adjusting agony, you would think that I would feel relieved. Instead I immediately began stressing over the next review which wouldn't happen for another year. I have high expectations of myself and tend to compare myself to my most socially successful peers. Even though I know I do a good job, I also know that everyone else thinks I suck. Although I do know that's not true, I feel it is. I honestly think nobody has anything better to do than to evaluate me negatively.
I have come a long way over the years and I'm so proud of myself. It's an uphill battle. I have to force myself to have conversations and I still stick to "safe" people- those least likely to judge. But I've made monumental changes.
My thesis is supposed to be about the affects of social anxiety disorder on personal, professional, and educational goals. The only thing preventing me from writing my paper is my freakin' social anxiety. I'm absolutely terrified of both the self-exploration and the evaluation I will receive from others who read my paper. I'm the poster child for my own paper—that's practically cheating! This should be so easy for me.
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Like many people with social anxiety, I've never spoken with a doctor about my condition, I am self- diagnosed. In fact, I find it extremely difficult to discuss with even my closest friends.
Shyness is not the same thing. I think it's very important to make that distinction. People with social anxiety disorder have an intense fear of social situations. It's not simply a case of being shy. We know our fears are irrational but we can't control them. Some people have specific triggers such as public speaking that cause social anxiety. Others, like me, have general social anxiety. That means that most social situations cause extreme discomfort and anxiety.
Social anxiety disorder is a chronic condition. Most have it for at least 10 years but some for a lifetime. Because of the nature of the condition, most sufferers do not seek treatment. It usually starts early in life. I've had it almost as long as I can remember- I think it started around school age, maybe about 5 years old. Previously I was a social child, blissfully happy and gregarious.
I vividly remember intense fear over simple social interactions at school. I was mortified when a teacher told me I had to use the school supplied pencil box rather than the brand new one I had purchased. It was ridiculously embarrassing to me, I immediately hated my brief brush with being the center of attention and I perceived the teacher as being upset with me somehow. Though my initial reaction to the event sounds asinine to me now, I still feel anxious thinking about it—almost 3 decades later! I must have been in 1st or 2nd grade and that's the last time I remember speaking in class voluntarily and without fear.
It's a tough lot in life; desire for social contact overshadowed by fight-or-flight response to get as far away from social contact as possible. On top of my social awkwardness, I have really bad hearing. So I'm quiet and I can't hear you, so I may not respond appropriately. A double whammy that ensures that I'm perceived as snobby and aloof.
Seriously, I would not go through school again for any amount of money. I'd rather be anally raped by a buffalo.
Often I deal with my anxiety by avoiding situations that cause said anxiety. I'm an observer, sitting by the sidelines, I notice all. Just can't talk about it.
It's not people I'm afraid of. It's the amount of anxiety, judgment, and negative self-appraisal experienced before, during, and after a social event. I literally began worrying about my performance review the moment I knew I had gotten the job at Hachette Book Group. Six months of terror and nightmares, bouts of crying and feelings of doom. When I received a glowing review after 6 months of anxiety-ridden new job adjusting agony, you would think that I would feel relieved. Instead I immediately began stressing over the next review which wouldn't happen for another year. I have high expectations of myself and tend to compare myself to my most socially successful peers. Even though I know I do a good job, I also know that everyone else thinks I suck. Although I do know that's not true, I feel it is. I honestly think nobody has anything better to do than to evaluate me negatively.
I have come a long way over the years and I'm so proud of myself. It's an uphill battle. I have to force myself to have conversations and I still stick to "safe" people- those least likely to judge. But I've made monumental changes.
My thesis is supposed to be about the affects of social anxiety disorder on personal, professional, and educational goals. The only thing preventing me from writing my paper is my freakin' social anxiety. I'm absolutely terrified of both the self-exploration and the evaluation I will receive from others who read my paper. I'm the poster child for my own paper—that's practically cheating! This should be so easy for me.
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