1. First of all, ebooks tell jokes like this one:

A priest walks into a bar and says to a horse, "Hey buddy, why the long face?"

The horse says, "I'm depressed because I lost my job and my wife left me for some jackass."

The priest says, "You mean a donkey?"

The horse says, "Yeah, a donkey."

The priest says, "That's really sad. I'm sorry."

And the horse says, "Thanks."

And the priest says, "Can I buy you a drink?"

And the horse says, "No, I should probably get going. Thanks for listening."

And the priest says, "No problem."

And the horse says, "By the way, are you a real priest?"

And the priest says, "No, I'm actually a plause."

And the horse says, "What's a plause?"

The priest claps and cheers.

The horse says, "That was a stupid joke."

And the priest says, "It would be-hoof you to reconsider your stance."

And the horse transforms into a plastic Kool-Aid Man action figure.

2. Ebooks braid your eyelashes together while you're sleeping, and not in an endearing way.

3. About 95% of ebooks partake in self-cannibalism, thus adding another innocent creature to the Endangered Species List.

4. Ebooks are made from a combination of aspartame, hydrogenated and partially-hydrogenated oils, Red Dye No. 3, carrageenan, and high school text books.

5. If you get an ebook angry, it'll sing the theme song from Step by Step 57.8 times.

6. Ebooks aren't like normal books, and being different is so very wrong.

7. The E stands for evil.

8. Ebooks have over 100 super powers each, and yet don't use them strictly to benefit corporations, which isn't really the American way.

9. Lastly, let's take a look at a traditional ebook nursery rhyme.

Mary had a little ebook.
Its fleece was white as snow.
Everywhere that Mary went
The ebook was sure to go.

Seems harmless enough, right?

Wrong.

Watch what happens when we change a few words.

Mary had a [giant] ebook.
Its [mind] was [wicked] as [diabolical] snow.
Everywhere that Mary went
The ebook was sure to [attack helpless babies].