Mariel's Reviews > Anna Karenina

Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy
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Oct 06, 11

Recommended to Mariel by: Pat Benatar
Recommended for: Jay Gatsby
Read in January, 1996

Celebrity Death Match versus Jane Eyre. This review is a sequel to Manny's review that is a sequel to Paul's review.
Jane Eyre and Anna Karenina in The Bloody Paper Cut, or was it the Spineless Book Fights Back or was it the Revenge of the Dog-Eared? Jane Eyre and Anna Karenina in the Dance of Lover's Death. Or was it... Hell, I don't know.
Fog rises up from the ground and remains shin level. Well, shin level for an average genteel lady. A tall elf would be able to see their own ankles all the same. Humbert Humbert would see what he wanted to see. If he wanted to see his own toes he would see them. Le Petit Prince, well... I did not mean to get distracted on the fog. The fog is not as important as what it would be hiding. Can you feel the vibrations? It is also pretty great for atmospherics and that is why I have chosen to include it in my scene.
The tortured cries of tortured Orcs, in a hell that is no Divine Comedy, even if you didn't especially like Orcs. Ooooooooooooooooooooooooow! That's somewhere between a grunt and a howl. Of pain! You don't want to know where losers of the Celebrity Death Match go. Maybe you would think twice before voting for this review if you knew what would happen to the loser.
"What's this?" Anna Karenina asked the handsome youngish man she was still deciding was worthy or not to protect her in this dark and unknown land. It might be Siberia. It is harder and harder to keep the man, clearly wealthy for he has a expensive looking gold pocket watch and well tailored clothes, attentive. He continues to check his gold watch and time the approach of, yes it is six she can see now, six figures. Anna's eyes narrow on the leader, jealous that she can command this man from afar. Is she dancing or convulsing? It isn't like any ballroom dance that Anna knows.
Their dresses are in tatters at the knees, just above the fog and the shins. The sleeves are attractively ripped that they must be tailored. Her own gown is stained from the vomit of Le Petit Prince. It was unfortunate that she repulsed the monsieur with her lack of motherly skills. He sobbed over a watery bit of madeleine left over in his pocket and ran towards a gaggle of feminists just over there in the woods. "It is a truth universally acknowledged that in a group of six women at least one must be looking for a rich man." Anna sighed inside. "But what of love?"
Close up starting at the knees, scandalously shown in their perfectly torn hem, like a good pair of ripped jeans. Elizabeth and her sister Jane shake their shoulders right to left and then left to right. Younger sisters Mary, Kitty and Lydia repeat their movements in perfect synchronicity, like the best synchronized swimmers in a 1950s movie or birth control advertisement. It's all about girl power. Their dance movements are closer than before and now they are face to face with Anna and Gatsby. Jane flounces her serviceable gray skirts. "I got your letter. I wanted to send you a reply. Love is a battlefield, sistah. If we stay true to ourselves love is real." Anna looks from Gatsby's struck eyes and wonders but what of love. It looks easy when you have the same dance moves and the sisters Bennett. "I can't do it alone. I mean, I think these girls are kind of annoying. Elizabeth and Jane are okay, but Lydia?" Lydia scowls in reply. Jane Eyre extends her hand to Anna. "You can do it. We are strong! Heart ache to heart ache we stand!" Anna finds her feet are moving. "No promises, no demands?"
Jay Gatsby doesn't get it. He thinks that Jane Bennett is very beautiful. She might be impressed by how much money he has...
Winner: Jane Eyre
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Comments (showing 1-32 of 32) (32 new)

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message 1: by Manny (new) - added it

Manny It looks like Celebrity Death Match Reviewing has already entered its decadent period. Ah, art-forms grow up so fast these days...


message 2: by Mariel (new) - added it

Mariel That's what happens when you invite me!


message 3: by Manny (new) - added it

Manny What I want to know is, when do we reach the point where it becomes obscenely profitable and people only think about commercial gain? I believe I could live with that if I had to, though I'd wrestle with my conscience first.


message 4: by Mariel (new) - added it

Mariel Okay, that's REALLY what happens when you invite me! (Surreal). (Just wait until I do my Hamlet and Macbeths.)

My conscience is too easily distracted.


message 5: by Manny (new) - added it

Manny If my notes are correct, the Surreal Period was Sunday through Tuesday. I can see from this review that it's suddenly old hat.


message 6: by Mariel (new) - added it

Mariel You're just worried that I'll get more votes than you! The popular masses don't like something until it is old hat.


message 7: by Manny (new) - added it

Manny Bird Brian wrote: "We need to build up a critical mass of source material first, before we can become thoughtlessly derrivative. It's still too easy to be original."

Hey, this gives me an idea for a review. Wait a minute...


message 8: by Manny (new) - added it

Manny Okay, posted.


message 9: by Mariel (new) - added it

Mariel I can't not write surreal because I'm not exactly a straight thinker or a sharp shooter (barrels, fish, etc.). I hope I didn't mess things up. I could withdraw?


message 10: by Manny (new) - added it

Manny No, no, the only question is how surreal?


message 11: by Paul (new) - added it

Paul And now a golden glow of nostalgia is settling over this sparkling series of Celebrity Death Matches. I look forward to the 2012 contest. There are new worlds of ridiculousness to conquer.


message 12: by Manny (new) - added it

Manny Paul wrote: "And now a golden glow of nostalgia is settling over this sparkling series of Celebrity Death Matches. I look forward to the 2012 contest. There are new worlds of ridiculousness to conquer."

Please add comments to this post and help persuade the Goodreads sysadmins to automate the bookkeeping! It's really easy. We just have to make them do it.


message 13: by Mariel (new) - added it

Mariel Is there a 2012 cdm? If you don't want to do it, and Gr doesn't want to do it, maybe BB will do it? With some help, of course.

I'm scared of those feedback people. They are mean!


message 14: by Manny (new) - added it

Manny Well, I'd love to do a new edition of CDM, but it seems so pointless to do the scores by hand! That's what computers are for. I could write the scripts in a few hours.


message 15: by Manny (new) - added it

Manny PS Hey, I see I never voted for this! Fixed :)


message 16: by Mariel (new) - added it

Mariel What list would they be based on this time? Worst books of all time? New classics? I guess it'd have to be reasonable for people to have read them...


message 17: by Manny (new) - added it

Manny Bear in mind that we would get new pairings...


message 18: by Mariel (new) - added it

Mariel And alternative pairings from both series could arise.... (Fun!)


message 19: by Mariel (new) - added it

Mariel That seems reasonable to me. If it isn't best books of all time people may vote differently, as well.


message 20: by Manny (new) - added it

Manny I agree. The top four should take a rest. Or perhaps they can be seeded directly into the quarter-finals, all paired against the new guys. That would avoid old lineups except possibly at the very end, and still give the winner a claim to be the Greatest Book of All Time.


message 21: by Mariel (new) - added it

Mariel That's a great idea!


message 22: by Mariel (new) - added it

Mariel It could be an optional series at the end. Winner versus winner?


message 23: by Manny (new) - added it

Manny The initial selection procedure is completely democratic. Vernon D. has a few supporters...


message 24: by Paul (new) - added it

Paul Or "My Elvis Black-Out", "The Seventh Pan Book of Horror Stories", "The Gas" and "How Bluegrass Music Destroyed my Life". Very much lesser known gems.


message 25: by Manny (new) - added it

Manny We could have two parallel selection lists - take 24 books from Best Of All Time and 8 from Worst. Then we pair them all together randomly. I think it would produce some great matches.


message 26: by Manny (new) - added it

Manny Possibly "Worst" should actually be "Baddest".


message 27: by Mariel (new) - added it

Mariel Now that's an idea.


message 28: by Manny (new) - added it

Manny Or maybe the new competition should be for the Most Awesome Book Of All Time. It's clearly not the same as the Best Book. The two lists overlap in places but are on the whole distinct.


message 29: by Mariel (new) - added it

Mariel Awesomely good and awesomely bad? I like it!


message 30: by Manny (new) - added it

Manny I think we have a plan. Now if only the Goodreads sysadmins can be prevailed upon to add the necessary functionality...


message 31: by Mariel (new) - added it

Mariel I posted as well. I'm expecting rudeness from the usual two, though. Why not, though? Groups could really use this feature.


message 32: by Paul (new) - added it

Paul Yes, Brian, it's very real

http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/17...


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