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Pleasuring the Pirate by Emily Bryan
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's review
Mar 28, 2010

it was ok
bookshelves: chicks-dig-it

Seven Ways of Looking at a Pirate

The Pirate Deconstructed

'Il faut interroger inlassablement les métaphores.’ Never has Derrida’s injunction seemed more urgent than in the case of Pleasuring the Pirate, a text whose figurative economy is routinely disrupted by its own libidinal excess, by a free-floating, predatory jouissance which one might aptly describe as ‘piratical’, and which threatens at every turn to seduce the prim, orderly narrative into an orgy of auto-erotic self-consumption.

The Pirate Parodied

Suddenly, he was beside her in the gathering dusk, his skin giving off that intoxicating, goatish man-smell of his. He was standing dangerously close to her now—so close she could make out the faint Kool-Aid moustache above his upper lip. She had to repress a wild urge to lick it off.

A hand reached out and grasped her bare arm. It was a surprisingly smooth, well-moisturized hand, yet strong enough, she knew, to crush a ripe tangerine with a single firm squeeze. At his touch, something stirred inside her fallopian tubes, something warm and gooey, like the batter in the center of an undercooked muffin.

“Who—who are you?” she panted out.

He stood on tiptoe, bringing his lips to her ear: “An overworked literary construct,” he whispered, “Now let’s get you out of those sweat pants.”

The Pirate Remembered: A Goodreads Reviewer Shares a Very Special Experience

In the summer of 2008, my then-boyfriend and I, while vacationing in northern Thailand, enrolled ourselves in a one-week elephant training course. Total spur of the moment decision. My instructor was this four-foot nothing former drug smuggler named Tiam. A darling man, with a very rubbable bald head. He spoke no English and spent most of the time screaming at me in some incomprehensible tribal dialect. But the rapport he had with those majestic animals was just incredible. Anyway, our first day, they assigned us our elephants (mine was this old bull named Michael Jordan, ha ha, right? Who names these things?) So Tiam shows us how to mount and dismount and whatnot. And suddenly there’s this loud siren thing going off all over the place and we’re like, “Um, what’s that?” and they’re like, “Oh, that mean bath time.” Huh? So they lead us, all of us totally oblivious farang on our massive elephants, down this jungle path and straight into this old stadium right out there in the middle of nowhere. And we’re all kind of looking at each other and going, “What the fuck?” And inside, I shit you not, there were like 500 Thai soldiers sitting in the stands, watching us and drinking Pepsi or whatever. I guess it was like a field trip or something. And that’s when Tiam shouted the command. The “jump in the water” command. I can still remember the words: “Bang bong! Bang bong!” Just like that, twenty odd elephants start charging for this big, muddy water hole in the middle of the stadium. I’m hanging on for dear life, and Michael Jordan goes diving right in. The water’s up to my waist and there are all these, like, huge elephant turds floating around and stuff. Just nasty. I’m soaking wet, I’m terrified, I’m trying to catch my breath, I’ve just swallowed a huge mouthful of this elephant shit water, and then I look up and I see all these soldiers on their feet, clapping and hollering. To this day, I still don’t know what all that was about.

So anyhow, that’s where I found this book, in the elephant training camp. Or wait, I think I found it in a guest house in Phuket the week before. Whatever. I don’t remember much about the book. I left it on the plane. Two stars.

The Pirate Reviewed in the New York Times

Snort. As if.

The Pirate Keelhauled: A Feminist Perspective

Even in a genre notorious for its retrograde ideological orientation, Pleasuring the Pirate stands out for its blithe phallocentrism and outright misogyny. While the hero may be a wooden cliché, the author at least allows him a measure of personal agency: he woos, he fights, he strives etc. The heroine, by contrast, remains nothing more than a receptacle for the male, a uterine vessel waiting passively to be filled. In the novel’s bizarre physiology, her womb becomes the source of sexual pangs and pleasure, a sort of erotic fifth column forever sabotaging her virtuous resolutions. If she is—to use the novel’s crass term—‘rutted’ by her pirate, she is also, on a more fundamental level, screwed by her own biology.

The Pirate Promoted: A Personal Message from the Author

Damn, I’m good! Every time I open one of my books, a jolt of pure delight streaks to my womb.

If you enjoyed Pleasuring the Pirate, be sure to look for its highly anticipated follow-up, Fellating the Falconer.



The Pirate Summed up by Buck Mulligan, Who, in an Unguarded Moment, Talks about his Penis

Alright, I’ll admit it: this book turned me on a little bit. To borrow a phrase, it “nudged my groin to aching life.” Stop snickering, assholes, I’m serious. Sure, The Talisman Ring was superior in every way as literature, but how many boners did it give me? Zero. So four stars for the boners. Minus two stars because they were wasted boners. Um, mostly.
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Reading Progress

02/01/2016 marked as: read

Comments (showing 1-47 of 47) (47 new)

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message 1: by Stephen (new)

Stephen Never underestimate our BuckO

message 2: by [deleted user] (new)

Oh shit! I really wish I had the foresight to scribble a bunch of hearts and ponies in the margins! *dratting*

You're welcome, Buck. Is it killing you a little bit, or is it so insane and bad that you're entranced?

Buck I'm only 15 pages in, but already "warmth is pooling" between the heroine's legs. Did she spill coffee on herself? I don't get it. And why do her nipples tingle all the time? Is it cold there?

All I know is, I wanna be a pirate when I grow up.

message 4: by [deleted user] (new)

I find Jaquelyn's nervous system extremely puzzling as well. Just wait until the Viking stylings. ;)

message 5: by Eh?Eh! (last edited Mar 28, 2010 09:41PM) (new) - rated it 2 stars

Eh?Eh! *Spoiler*

Vikings don't just spoon; they also fork.

message 6: by Stephen (new)

Stephen lololol

message 7: by [deleted user] (new)


OMG, Buck I can't wait for this review!

Buck If you make it to the end of the review, you'll find I clearly explain and totally justify my rating.

message 9: by Manny (new) - added it

Manny Oh dear. LOL x at least 3.

Alright, I’ll admit it: this book turned me on a little bit. To borrow a phrase, it “nudged my groin to aching life.”

Have you seen In Her Shoes? If not, there's a scene I think you'll like...

Eh?Eh! Buck rocks my socks!

message 11: by Buck (new) - rated it 2 stars

Buck Careful, Eh! My groin could come to aching life again at any moment.

Eh?Eh! You totally rocked my socks off!

(but the sweat pants stay on)

message 13: by Buck (new) - rated it 2 stars

Buck Meryn Cadell! I knew I was stealing that from somewhere.

message 14: by Buck (new) - rated it 2 stars

Buck I hadn't heard her name in years. Did you know she's now a he? Yep, transgendered. Anyway, I'll keep my eye out for "The Sweater", but it'll be hard to come by, even here.

message 15: by [deleted user] (new)

Oh oh - 100% acrylic, right?

message 16: by Whitaker (new)

Whitaker "So four stars for the boners. Minus two stars because they were wasted boners. Um, mostly."

Is that one for each? Never mind, I really don't want to know.

message 17: by Buck (new) - rated it 2 stars

Buck You're right. You don't want to know.

message 18: by David (new)


message 19: by karen (new)

karen marry me.

Eh?Eh! Hold up there, NYC! I was about to pull out the ring but you beat me to the question!

Sparrow I think this is one of the funniest things I've ever read. Unfortunately, I'm in a symposium about children and the law right now, so it's not really appropriate to laugh out loud. I'm LOLing on the inside, though.

message 22: by Kelly (last edited Apr 02, 2010 10:57AM) (new)

Kelly I am consistently amazed at this group's ability to pull masterpieces from the dumpsters of life.

(This was AWESOME.)

Jenn "Awww Yeaaahhh" Epic.

Sparrow Hey, now, girls. I had a honeymoon planned *wink, wink.* I don't want to give it away, but I'll just say I think there are two other books in the PtP series. So, yeah, beat that.

Eh?Eh! Wait, what?

Heh, I did see the excerpt of the next book at the end of PtP, where Daisy is fondling a lamp and the next hero is introduced.

Sparrow I think that Distracting the Dutchess is the first one and Vexing the Viscount is the third. But maybe Vexing the Viscount is the only one with these characters.

message 27: by Sparrow (last edited Apr 02, 2010 11:48AM) (new) - rated it 2 stars

Sparrow On your honeymoon? C'mon! Buck already said he thinks it's romantic. (I'm using "romantic" loosely there.) I might hide a Buffy comic inside the book, though.

message 28: by Eh?Eh! (last edited Apr 02, 2010 12:08PM) (new) - rated it 2 stars

Eh?Eh! How will you go on honeymoon when my pa has a shotgun at Buck's back?

(I slow, just now picked up the honeymoon line)

message 29: by karen (new)

karen my proposal was for david, eh! are we still in competition?

Eh?Eh! Ah! Okay, no, we're cool.

Where are you registered? macy's? Somewhere without capital letters, surely. I can picture the entwined "D"s and "k"s.

message 31: by Buck (new) - rated it 2 stars

Buck I’ll be giving careful consideration to the marriage proposals. Since I’m a lazy bastard, it’ll probably come down to geographical proximity, and now that Miss New York has taken herself out of the running, it’s still too close to call.

Everyone’s talked about how unrealistic the sex scenes are in this book, but they’re WAY more credible than the increasingly ridiculous bullshit that piles up in the last third: not only the buried treasure and prophetic toe, but the completely INSANE deus ex machina with King Freaking George—the most embarrassing royal cameo since Sean Connery’s turn as Richard the Lionheart in Robin Hood (already referenced by Meredith). And the most pathetic part of it is how proud Bryan is of having him speak German, as if to say: “See how historically accurate I am. This totally could have happened.”

message 32: by karen (new)

karen sorry. it was just such good use of office, i had to propose.

message 33: by Sparrow (last edited Apr 02, 2010 01:05PM) (new) - rated it 2 stars

Sparrow That was both a quick use of the Office and a quick use of the proposal, guys. Nice going!

Oh, man. I think I blocked out the prophetic toe. That was after the book had crossed so many lines that I had gone numb.

I think Eh! wins both for the shotgun and the proximity. Live to fight another day. (although, I have to say that if it were legal for my dad to have shotguns anymore, he'd probably be scarier with one.)

Eh?Eh! I'm so out of touch! I knew it was The Office but was it in response to the review, the post, did someone say the secret word a la PeeWee? Not having a tv is making me old and uncool-er.

There are still thousands of miles and an insufficiently guarded border between us. This hasty proposal is doomed.

Eh?Eh! Hahaa, that's right, it was your favorite character!

Miriam I had never heard of Meryn Cadell before! Awesome song, although I'm afraid the video totally made me think of Skants http://www.regretsy.com/2010/01/26/sk...

message 37: by Tatiana (new)

Tatiana Okay, I'm now convinced that this book was invented by you all as a joke. As if PtP wasn't enough of a giveaway, there are now a whole load of new alliterative titles in the series, and the plot points... how could you think all that up?

I applaud the skill with which you guys pulled this off, though. Until this review I was completely taken in. Great laugh!

Miriam Group project for next April 1st! Folks?

message 39: by Buck (new) - rated it 2 stars

Buck We’re a clever bunch, Tatiana, but we’re not that clever. Nobody could make this shit up. Well, Emily Bryan could, obviously, but she’s gifted and shameless in equal measure. The rest of us can only look on, horrified, while shouting: “Stop now, crazy writer lady!”

message 40: by [deleted user] (new)

Group project for next April 1st! Folks?


Miriam Start thinking up some titles.

message 42: by Tatiana (new)

Tatiana Is this how Thieves' World was born? I'm completely enchanted by the idea of the 2011-04-01 project but I predict that you guys won't be able to help making it far, far better and more interesting than PtP. =) I'm awed to have been present at the birth of a great idea, though!

In HS my sister's weird and wonderful AP English teacher got a surprise phone call from his old high school flame Lirpa Luffe, courtesy of some jokers in his class. He spent a whole class period reminiscing about the Lovely Lirpa and all her wonderful qualities, telling anecdote after anecdote without any hint that he recognized the phone call as being a joke. Ah, Mr. Caudle, how we loved thee!

Miriam you guys won't be able to help making it far, far better and more interesting than PtP

Damning with faint praise, there.

But if it were half as good as Thieves' World I would be so proud.

Sparrow Ceridwen wrote: "Group project for next April 1st! Folks?


I second that!!

message 45: by [deleted user] (new)

We could always start with Buck's Fellating the Falconer.

(The best part about typing this comment, for me, was that spell-check refuses to recognize the word "fellating".)

message 46: by Buck (new) - rated it 2 stars

Buck Spell-check can suck it. Or fellate it. Your call, spell-check.

message 47: by Tom (new)

Tom Well stuff my stocking, Santa! I'll bet this one kept you and Prancer pickled in pleasure on those whorey, uh, hoary, nocturnal flights.

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