Kat Kennedy's Reviews > Gentlemen Prefer Succubi

Gentlemen Prefer Succubi by Jill Myles
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Mar 17, 2010

did not like it
bookshelves: books-that-deserve-painful-death, romance-romance-romance, kat-s-book-reviews, kat-s-rants
Recommended for: People who need to get laid
Read from August 10 to November 08, 2010 , read count: 1

I'm about to type the six words that I almost never say: I. Could. Have. Written. It. Better.

I've read a lot of crap books, but I don't think I've ever used these words in a review before. Maybe because I've never, ever had such a strong compulsion to literally pick up a book and start rewriting it.

The thing is, the idea is FANTASTIC (By fantastic I mean sexy as hell and full of schmexing possibilities) and yet, it's such a let down. I can almost imagine some editor person sitting Jill Myles down and their conversation would go something like this:

Editor: Jill, you have to write this idea! It's fantastic! You'll be a rich and famous author!
Jill Myles: Fantastic! I'm getting right on this! Nothing is going to hold me back! I shall spread my little typing wings and soar!
Editor: Before you go, I should warn you - the only way you'll fail is if you make the female protagonist so agonizingly stupid that your readers will ache to bore a rusty screwdriver through their skull to make a hole through which they can pour bleach.
Jill Myles: *Too busy imagining swimming through a pool of money to listen* Annoying, stupid protagonist...sure... whatever...bye!

IF ONLY SHE'D LISTENED!

Okay, so the story starts out with fat, frumpy, Museum Docant, Jackie waking up in a dumpster. She's had a helluva one night stand and upon disentangling herself with what can only be assumed as a traumatized dumpters, she runs into the very man she'd had wild, passionate sex with, Noah.

She is then told that she had literally been a dead lay (bwhahahaha!) and that because she was bitten by a vampire, and had slept with a fallen angel, she would now be a succubus.

Calling him a crazy loon shortly after drooling over his shoulder length blond hair, toned abs and GINORMOUS Johnson, she stalks out.

By the next morning she's lost a ton of weight, become beautiful and grown an incredible pair of bossoms. It's at about this time, I deduce, that the energy going into creating the Tits of Glory caused her brain to shrink, whither and die away.

She immediately sets out to find Noah for explanations, has sex with him in a church and departs with his darling Succubus friend, Remy. One of the first things they tell her is not to meet up with any vampires (in case one of them is her master), don't make any deals with Angels and avoid fallen angels as well.

So naturally she runs off within five minutes and makes a deal with the first angel she meets and wonders why everyone doesn't think this is the biggest stroke of genius since Thomas Edison invented a Ghost Busting machine. So AGAINST the EXPRESS orders of her Master Fallen Angel, she and the other "Suck" head off to super sleuth the vampires and find out what they're up to so that Jackie can be free.

Now, let me give you a frame of reference for how bad their sleuthing is. In 1960 French diplomat, Bernard Bouriscot went to China. The Chinese, not being completely stupid, assigned a spy to him. He began a relationship with Shi Pei Pu who he divulged every single state secret to as soon as he could. Just before he was about to leave the country, Shi Pei Pu who recognized how incredibly gullible and useful he was for her career, informed him that she was pregnant. Four years later he returned to greet his child and lived with Shi Pei Pu and his "son" for the next sixteen or so years.

Now, I know that doesn't sound precisely riveting or spy like, after all, it's only twenty odd years of living a lie as a spy, gathering all the secret documents you like from a man who is just incredibly unobservant. Well, that's until you learn that Shi Pei Pu was really a man. Yes. A man. Bouriscot did not discover this until he took his happy family back to his homeland of France where he was immediately told something along the lines of, "Dude... that chic's a dude..."

Go ahead. Wiki that shit. It's all true!

So whilst I'm not holding Jackie & Co up to Shi Pei Pu's remarkable standard (No doubt his twenty year reign of Employee Spy of the Month was unchallenged and well deserved) I was kind of expecting a better plan than: walk into a club full of vampires, completely unprotected and get busted so quickly as spies that they were barely in the doors before one of the halfwits mumbled, "Der... do you think this is such a good idea?"

But it's okay for Jackie because she is not at all alone in the stupidity stakes. She has a contender in the form of the Vampire Queen who immediately reveals her ENTIRE plan to Jackie and insists that Jackie now needs to go find the mysterious relic that the Queen is seeking.

Sure. You've had your entire vampire crew searching for this one historical item for HOW LONG NOW? And you think some twit whose idea of a clever plan is "On the cound of three... Go!" will do better? Clearly SOMEONE has never read Peter's Evil Overlord List

Oh, and the relic that Jackie has to retrieve, actually BELONGS to the Vampire Queen and is in exactly the last place the Queen left it, by the way. And the Queen even shows up at a convenient time to provide Jackie with instructions on how to retrieve it.

SUUUUUUuuuuuuuurrrrrreeee...

I can totally see how this woman has ruled for over four millenia. She's a criminal mastermind, that one!

Now this seemed to be part of the book where Jackie, whose dream it is to be an archeaologist, should have really shined. She's going to an achealogical site, IN EGYPT, and doing all kinds of history shit. Clearly, this would be right up her alley. Yet Jackie approaches it will all the finesse of a college bimbo coaxing a free bear out of a fratboy at a party. She knows nothing about anything and any hopes I had of reading a story about a mature, intelligent twenty-six year old woman swiftly blew out the window.

I could go on. Really. I could complain all day. From the "mystery" involving her vampire master to the fact that an archaelogist who supposedly has several degrees is so ridiculously incompetent in every single area of life, including intellectual pursuits that I want to barf, to the fact that she somehow demands that she shouldn't HAVE to pick between two lovers, and that it's really the mature thing for them to both get over expecting any kind of monogamy out of someone they, unfathomly, honestly care about. How about Jackie's unexplainable anger toward Remy for being a Porn star? Why? Why does she feel betrayed that the woman she just met, who is a succubus, is a porn star?

I put this challenge out. Using every single plot point (Ie, Jackie goes here, Jackie meets this person, Jackie does this... etc) and the main themes, theory and concept behind this book, I could have done so much better. Except for the sex scenes - those were the only reason I finished reading this book because... *fans self* okay, they were hot.

So if you're going to read, check your brain out at the door and just enjoy the smutfest that dances past, scantily clad and overly bussomed. That's about all this book has to offer.

**BTW at their final size, Jackie's boobs are measured as 34DD. This is apparently huge and has every man in the vicinity writing love Haiku's to her Tits of Glory. I'm sorry, but I actually HAVE 34DD and a hot ass body - yet no men have ever flocked around my breasts like mosquitos to a bug zapper! Fail!

***Okay, I can now no longer complain that no poems have ever been written about my breasts. Manny has kindly posted his brilliant sonnet to my "girls" here! Enjoy!
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Reading Progress

08/10/2010 page 80
24.0% "She's supposed to be intelligent, learned and pursuing her dream of being an acheaologist! So why is she possibly the stupidest heroine I've ever read? "Jackie, stay away from the angels, demons and vampires." Five minutes later she's making stupid deals with angels! GAH!"
04/06/2016 marked as: read

Comments (showing 1-39 of 39) (39 new)

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message 1: by Tatiana (new)

Tatiana Hm, this looks very... enticing:)


Kat Kennedy Um, well it definitely doesn't disappoint in THAT area but the main chic is RIDICULOUSLY stupid. If she doesn't wisen up soon then I'm going to be SERIOUSLY unimpressed.


Desperado ..........


message 4: by Manny (new)

Manny Jackie's boobs are measured as 34DD. This is apparently huge and has every man in the vicinity writing love Haiku's to her Tits of Glory. I'm sorry, but I actually HAVE 34DD and a hot ass body - yet no men have ever flocked around my breasts like mosquitos to a bug zapper!

34DD?
Kat sure sounds like one hot chick!
Well, there's your haiku :)


Kat Kennedy Yey! Well, now I can't complain about not having a poem for my boobs anymore! :D


message 6: by Tatiana (new)

Tatiana LMAO. Off to wiki Bernard Bouriscot...


Spider the Doof Warrior I must say that cover is hot but "Dude, that chicks a dude." LOL!!!!!!!!


Desperado THANK YOU! I am SO happy I am not the only one who thought Jackie was a complete & utter idiot. The premise of this novel had so much potential & it's a shame Myles wasted it on the wonderful adventures of Dumbass the Suckubitch. Awesome review, Kat!


message 9: by Bark's Book Nonsense (last edited Aug 11, 2010 07:30AM) (new) - added it

Bark's Book Nonsense It's too bad the sexy bits don't come highlighted so we can skip the rest. There's nothing worse than a dumb ass heroine.


Kat Kennedy BarkLessWagMore, actually there's so many sexy bits that you don't have to do TOO much skipping.

LL, I know - she was a mental moron, I swear! It was PAINFUL to read the utterly stupid things she did!


message 11: by Kat Kennedy (last edited Aug 13, 2010 06:55PM) (new) - rated it 1 star

Kat Kennedy I would agree with you were I complaining that the book wasn't relistic or that the writing were better. I obviously expected the book to have a certain ridiculous element - that much is true.

I was simply annoyed that a character who is supposed to have several degrees in archeaology and is twenty-sex years old wouldn't be quite as stupid as this woman was. There really are no words for the depths of her stupidity.

And one more thing - every OTHER character in this book is actually reasonably intelligent (With the exception of the vampire Queen). If they were all as equally stupid as the protagonist then I would chalk it up to the type of book I was reading. However, ALL the other characters constantly complain about how ridiculously stupid the protagonist is as well.

I just don't understand it.


Kat Kennedy *Pokes out tongue*

Nah, I get your point. I guess, even though I lowered my expectations to read this book, I STILL had them too high.

It is, after all, to literary porn!

BUT SHE HAD ARCHAEOLOGY DEGREES!!!!!!!!!

*cries*


message 13: by Tatiana (new)

Tatiana Well, Kat, I am sure there is video porn with archeologists, teachers for sure:0)


Kat Kennedy Ha! Well, as long as they can recite all of the old kingdom Pharoahs while they get it on, I'll be happy!


Kat Kennedy LOL. You're right. Tits of Glory definitely should mean I add one more star to this book. I'll do it too, just for you, Brian!


message 16: by AH (new)

AH Great review and entertaining as always.....


message 17: by Ridley (new) - added it

Ridley That's the best review I've read in a good long while.

Shi Pei Pu and Peter's Evil Overlord List referenced in the same review. I'm sad I bought the book forever ago, but now I have to read it just to see if it really is *that* bad.


message 18: by Desperado (last edited Aug 13, 2010 10:30PM) (new) - rated it 2 stars

Desperado It's really that bad, Ridley.I know that quite a few people have given this novel 4 or more stars & I know that everyone has different opinions & I accept & love it but I don't know. After reading & reviewing this book & then seeing their ratings, my first thought was "WTF were they smoking? And can I take a hit?"


message 19: by [deleted user] (new)

*Am laughing so hard I'm nearly crying* Really, it is a compliment. I am now confirmed that you are one of the few people who can write a review for such a bad book and make it so hilarious at the same time. (I could never do that). LOVED this review. Mind if I reposted it on my blog? (along with your name and a link to the review of course).
I am staying posted for more reviews.

P.S. Seriously? The heroine's THAT stupid? Jeasus...


Kat Kennedy Alkyoni, of course you may - just send me a link to the blog so I can go check out your blog! I always love reading people's blogs.

And really, the heroine is far more stupid than even *I* made her out to be.


message 21: by [deleted user] (new)

ok thanks! Will do soon. And I'll leave a comment on your profile.


message 23: by Bry (new)

Bry I totally had to wiki that! Hilarious!

Fantastic review as ALWAYS! My cheeks hurt from laughing! This is definitely coming off my TBR list. Esprecially since I do archaeology and can only imagine how the author completely butchered it!


message 24: by Dani (new)

Dani I only have two questions:

Wouldn't Bernard know Shi Pei Pu was a male from the smex?

If they didn't have the smex (explaining why Bernard didn't know Shi Pei Pu was male)why did Bernard believe Shi Pei Pu when he said they had a child together?


Kat Kennedy Dani, I have no particular answers in this case. I can, however, assure you that this kind of secretive cross dressing in history is not at all unusual. I've read of at least five cases of it. Three of which are either more awesome or as awesome as Shi Pei Pu.

I know that female cross-dressers often told their wives or girlfriends that they'd been in some kind of accident and thus didn't have a wang. I'm not sure what Shi Pei Pu told Bernard, but I hope the secrets Shi Pei Pu gleamed were damn important.


message 26: by Dani (new)

Dani It's hard to have nothing but respect for a man who can get state secrets out of someone while convincing them that their wang is just an overgrowth of skin.

Awesome review though I really liked it.


message 27: by Kiki (new)

Kiki Shi Pei Pu's story is freaking insane! Holy crap! How dumb was this Bouriscot man? Did he not think it strange that this particular woman had a penis?

I mean, really. The shit some people can get away with is amazing.


Esther Diaz danm girl u are right the book lack some and jacki is a bit stupid well lots because im reading the book and i still have no idea how she is but i do like zane and i think he is the onlycharacter that work here, the book is funny because u have to laught and the sex is wow hot. i think the author need it a little more work with it before publish maybe her other book on the series are a bit better, after she read about all the negative part. plus maybe because the succubus thing i want it to be a litte more idk strongor mature but she is a cry baby that doesnt even at like she has insicurities more like she was happy like that


message 29: by Noemi (new) - rated it 1 star

Noemi You pretty much summed everything I disliked about this book, the only redeeming parts this book had were the sex scenes and there were what, 3?


message 30: by Melis (new)

Melis This was the funniest review Ive ever read. You SHOULD re-write the book!! :D made my day. thnx!


Kat Kennedy Thank you, Melis! I'm writing a book, but luckily it's nothing like this.


message 32: by Melis (new)

Melis :) Im intrigued and impressed. I hope it goes well for you, and I would be very delighted if you would let me now when youre published. You have magnificent taste in books so I can only assume you write just as well as you rate :D


message 33: by Ian (new)

Ian "Marvin" Graye (Someone to Watch Over) Kat's 34DD (Haiku)

That I may see thee
Slip Manny twixt lip and cup
34DD.


message 34: by Amy (new) - added it

Amy hahahahaha I loved this review!


Grace Actually I think the author tried to do Jackie a geek who's intelligent in professional things but not on relationships or friends. Like she's this lady whose life is work and museum and nobody likes her, so I think that's why she was so dumb when she got "popularity".


message 36: by Meghna (new)

Meghna OMG! One of the best reviews I've read in a long time. Love your not so subtle dry wit. :)


message 37: by ArtemisPearl (new)

ArtemisPearl Think I'll skip the book, but had a great time reading your review!


message 38: by Shilo (new) - added it

Shilo Loved the review. Thank you.


message 39: by Kay (new) - rated it 2 stars

Kay Waite Thanks for this, you pretty much summed up everything that annoyed me about this book. I actually gave up two thirds of the way through and its nice to know I'm not missing much :)


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