karen's Reviews > A Gentle Rain

A Gentle Rain by Deborah Smith
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Jan 04, 11

bookshelves: it-is-for-class

retard ranch!!

this is the best romance novel i have ever read. which really only means it is better than this.(now that i have learned how to do that, i am going to link to every part of the internet, given time...) and sarah palin will probably hate this review. but the fact of the matter is, i love the word "retard". i think it is a funny-sounding word, along with "renal", "swizzle" and "filbert". but i don't want any angry facebook letters (because i am not even on facebook, so it will do you no good) asking for my resignation from my position of absolutely nothing. my relative anonymity is very freeing, as i can use the word "retard" with impunity as long as you recognize words are different from intent.

because this book totally takes place on retard ranch, which alliteration pleases me, so it is my shorthand, because "gentle rain" sounds like a euphemism for douche.(another word i think sounds funny)

as a romance, it is way overly complicated - billionaire environmentalist heiress' parents die in a plane crash while they are living in brazil, she learns she was actually adopted, and that her parents are both mentally-challenged (one of whom is also stinking rich, but not really allowed access to the dough) and living on a ranch staffed exclusively by the mentally-challenged, except for the handsome quarter-indian leading man who was a mexican wrestler in another life, of whose fan club (the brazilian branch)she was once the president.so she goes to the ranch to meet her birth parents, but does not reveal her identity (natch) and ingratiates herself into their lives, becoming a champion barrel racer, and getting steven spielberg to finance a movie based on former mermaid performers and there is some samba and soy cheese and ummm heart transplants?? is anyone still reading this review, or have you all gone out to buy a copy of this book? it's pretty amazingly detailed. with a lot of quotes from jane austen. and does every romance novel feature a million/billionaire with a heart of gold? it's almost startling.

because this is a romance novel, i will have to give you writing samples, also to amuse me.

a lot of it actually sounds as if sarah palin herself may have written it. it is full of apostrophes and folksy-isms:

"karen was hunched over estrela's neck like a hungry panther ridin' a wild pig"

(estrela is a horse, by the way)

"some mornings, gettin' possum out of his box was like pryin' a turtle out of a storm drain"

(possum is an autistic man, by the way)

"now, if a bodacious blonde like her walked up to me in a bar, and smiled, i'd sure buy her a martini and enjoy the view. but this blonde had walked up to me with a chip on her shoulder and her tongue wrapped in barbed wire.

("bodacious" is used on at least two other occasions)

now, onto some "ew".

"She was soft and snuggly, and i knew just how to stroke the sensitive spot on her caesarian section".

"i liked the way the shirt fit. she had some good muffins."

(because she was baking muffins at the time - get it?)

"the kiss after the mermaid show had been on my mind a lot. on my mind and wrapped in the sweaty palm of my hand, if you know what i'm sayin'"

(i do. and ew)

"their heads may not work right", she liked to say,"but their other parts operate just fine".

(from the mouth of a sixty-year-old women who has regular sexual relations with two different mentally challenged men on the ranch. i think it's the phrase "she liked to say" that gets me into "ew" mode.)


and as a finale, isolated lines that made me quizzical:

"see there? when you actively open your heart and mind to new ideas and the possibility of friendship, the hostility and distrust all fade away"

(spoken in portuguese. to a horse.)

"ben thocco was a metrosexual cracker cowboy. i meant that in a good way"

"his legs, inside those thin cotton joggers, were a fiesta of interesting muscle"

"worn with just the right amount of style and swagger, a large belt buckle draws the eye directly to the territory beneath it. i found myself helplessly drawn to ben's horse head"

"i loved her then. right then. that's when i fell in love"

so it is 2 stars, but it's a fun two stars,and if you like romance novels, you might like it. it is much better than the nora roberts - i can't understand my own star system, i just click 'em.

oh - i forgot!! this book also has recipes. at the end!! for fried gator, etc!!!
if you asked for more out of a book, you would just be a greedy gus.
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Comments (showing 1-50 of 74) (74 new)


message 1: by Greg (new)

Greg 1) Do you think many bodacious women are presidents of Mexican wrestlers fan clubs? And was the wrestling mask ever worn during relations?

2) Was some of this story told from the man's point of view?

3) I just have to say this, I told you it was about Retard Ranch and you didn't believe me at first!!!


message 2: by D. (new)

D. Pow i love the word 'bodacious'...


message 3: by karen (last edited Feb 27, 2010 09:27AM) (new) - rated it 2 stars

karen greg.

1) the bodacious woman in the quote was not the love-interest, but a rival barrel-rider. and our heroine was the president of the fan club as a teen, and his wrestling character was the first man she ever masturbated to. i just wanted to include that. the mask does make an appearance on the last page of the novel:

"her smile became a sly simmer. she looked at me with love and happiness and a gleam of pure, wicked invitation in her blue eyes. she held out the mask. 'put it on', she whispered. i obliged. it's the cowboy way".

the end!!!

2)yes - it was a split narrative between the man and the woman. the man is the keeper of all the apostrophes in the world and uses them for talkin' and walkin' and ridin' and fuckin'.

3) i know, i know... i thought you and dana were funnin' (oi, it's contagious)

d'pau. would you like me to mail you this book? you can read the word three times!


message 4: by Greg (new)

Greg I would have ended the book with one more sentence, or at least added this to it, "and then she started ridin' me like hungry panther on a wild pig, while the retards stood around clappin' and cheerin' just like they were at a Tijuana wrestlin' match."


karen that's not bad...
you are in the wrong business.


message 6: by Greg (new)

Greg I always had a feeling I was put on this earth to write romance novels.


message 7: by Stephen (new)

Stephen "a fiesta of interesting muscle" I like that, I like that a lot.


message 8: by Stephen (new)

Stephen Greg wrote: "I always had a feeling I was put on this earth to write romance novels."

Greg it is not too late!


message 9: by Cathy (last edited Feb 27, 2010 12:04PM) (new)

Cathy I, too, am tempted to read this just so I can quote from it. I love some of the words or metaphors: bodacious, muffins, metrosexual cracker cowboy (?).
On the topic of writing romantic novels; my husband considered writing porn novels to put himself through grad school. An interesting idea and it would make for a lively resume. Alas, most of his knowledge on the subject was culled from books . . .


karen it's really not that bad, if this is your kind of thing. i have read far worse books. i'm just not all that into love stories. with ponies.


message 11: by Stephen (new)

Stephen Frenchy loves ponies.


karen of course i do - i am a girl!


Joshua Nomen-Mutatio Yo, girl. Thanks fo' hollerin' at me about "retard ranch." You know I still gots mad love 4 U. (This is how everyone I work with {both staff and patients} talks.)


karen are you still teaching?
you could teach this book in class.


message 15: by Stephen (new)

Stephen Yeah MFSO and answer your mail too.


karen stephen - brace yourself - you are being sewed for this evening.


message 17: by Stephen (new)

Stephen Yea!


message 18: by Lobstergirl (new)

Lobstergirl Sadly, there doesn't seem to be a romance novel called Summer's Eve.


karen yet


message 20: by Stephen (new)

Stephen That's the one Greg will write.


message 21: by Greg (new)

Greg I thought of one more line for the way I'd end this novel....

We made love all night under the gentle rain of the retards cumming while watching us.


message 22: by Stephen (new)

Stephen LOL


message 23: by Lobstergirl (new)

Lobstergirl He was robust and furry, and I knew just how to palpate the sensitive spot near his prostate biopsy, as, beneath his spandex jodhpurs, his lax muscles took a siesta, and the mariachi band finally quieted down for the night.


message 24: by Stephen (new)

Stephen Lobstergirl wrote: "He was robust and furry, and I knew just how to palpate the sensitive spot near his prostate biopsy, as, beneath his spandex jodhpurs, his lax muscles took a siesta, and the mariachi band finally q..."

LOLOLOL


karen seriously - the two of you need to band together like voltron and write something steamy!


message 26: by Stephen (new)

Stephen Summer's Eve, by Greg Lobster


message 27: by Greg (new)

Greg We'll need a woman's first name, no one would buy a romance novel by a Greg, maybe a Gregina....


karen i can't help but picture the film version.


Joshua Nomen-Mutatio I saw a movie a few weeks ago that could (should?) have been called Retard Ranch:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Idiots

And speaking of Lars von Trier's films, his latest (Antichrist) was pretty good. Disturbing. Anti-erotic? Visually it was beautiful.

http://vimeo.com/4062746


karen greg just wants to see that fox...


message 32: by Stephen (new)

Stephen How about Brunhilde Tallywacker?


message 33: by Greg (new)

Greg The basic premise of Idiots could be used for a romance story. Maybe take the gang-bang out of it though.


message 34: by Stephen (new)

Stephen That doesn't seem like a good idea at all, Greg. Brunhilde Tallwacker would enjoy the gang-bang.


karen nah, that's just excited romance.


karen stephen agrees.


message 37: by Greg (new)

Greg Ok then, group sex with men pretending to be retarded will stay in the book.


karen dodged a bullet there, didn't we?


message 39: by Stephen (new)

Stephen so it seems lol


karen we discussed it at lunch today - he is full of ideas.


message 41: by Michelle (new)

Michelle Karen, it gave me such a chuckle to see the words 'retard ranch' on my home page. Thank you!

On a side note, what kind of horrible class has you reading this crap??


karen it's reader's advisory. i get to read all kinds of genre fiction. i am about to read a sci-fi murder mystery with genetically engineered sloths? it's not all crap, but there is certainly a fair amount. but it is good to get me to read things i never ever would have.

retard ranch!!


message 43: by Courtney (new)

Courtney What book has genetically engineered sloths? that sounds funny. hahha.


message 44: by Stephen (new)

Stephen Courtney wrote: "What book has genetically engineered sloths? that sounds funny. hahha."

It do, it do, sound funny.


message 45: by Stephen (new)

Stephen I fear the Frenchy sleepeth.


message 47: by Karen (new)

Karen As a YA librarian I some times have to read some terrible stuff, but THANK GOD nothing like this! Im glad you did, though, because that review made my morning.


karen haha thank you! glad to help.
i am thinking about taking a y/a readers' advisory class, too, just to broaden my knowledge. i am sure to come across some bad news there, too...


message 49: by Michelle (new)

Michelle So...are you going to advise people not to read retard ranch?

(Yes, I just wanted to type 'retard ranch' again.)

I think a YA class would be interesting. I wouldn't mind an excuse to read more YA. There's a lot of good stuff out there.


Joshua Nomen-Mutatio Representin' My Side Of The Mountain, ya'll!


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