NumberLord's Reviews > Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal

Lamb by Christopher Moore
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Feb 03, 10

bookshelves: humor
Read in December, 2009

CHRISTopher Moore addresses some of the religious issues/questions about the life of Jesus (or Joshua, if you prefer the less Greek translation; or Yeshua if you insist on getting all Hebrew):
What happened to Joshua between the ages of 12 and 33?
Did Joshua have any close friends?
What if Joshua knew kung fu?

And as risky as it is, retelling the life of Christ in a comedic setting, it works. It works well. It's hilarious, but it's also some downright interesting bit of philosophy. Kudos to Moore in writing a humorous story and on doing some actual research to try to make the background accurate.

And now, some highlights.

Don't let anyone tell you that the Prince of Peace never struck anyone. In those early days, before he had become who he would be, Joshua smote me in the nose more than once.

I began improvising what I thought was a good funeral song.
"La-la-la. Oh, we are really, really sad that your mom is dead. Too bad you're a Sadducee and don't believe in an afterlife and your mom is just going to be worm food, la-la. Makes you think that you might want to reconsider, huh? Fa-la-la-la-la-la-wacka-wacka." (It sounded great in Aramaic. Really. [...:] "Fa-la-la-la, don't feel bad--she was old and had no teeth left, la-la-la."

How could you, at thirteen, know anything? I'm eighty-four and I don't know shit.

"I think Lao-tzu is correct. Kindness precedes justice. As long as you seek justice by punishment you can only cause more suffering. How can that be right? This is a revelation!"
"I learned how to boil down goat urine to make explosives today," I said.
"That's good too," said Joshua.

It's very difficult to stay angry when a room full of bald guys in orange robes start giggling. Buddhism.

"It's a yeti," said Gaspar from behind me, obciously having been roused from his trance. "An abominable snowman."
"This is what happens when you fuck a sheep!?" I exclaimed.
"Not an abomination," Josh said, "abominable."

The Kama Sutra sayeth:
When a woman winds her small toes into the armpit hair of a man, and the man hops upon one foot, while supporting the woman on his lingam and a butter churn, then the achieved position is called "Rhinoceros Balancing a Jelly Donut."

"Blessed are the meek, for to them we shall say, 'attaboy.'"

Meanwhile the chief priest droned on: "A man dies and leaves no sons, but his wife marries his brother, who has three sons by his first wife...[and on:] The three of them leave Jericho and head south, going three point three furlongs per hour, but they are leading two donkeys, which can carry two...[and on:] So the Sabbath ends, and they are able to resume, adding on the thousand steps allowed under the law...and the wind is blowing southwest at two furlongs per hour...[and on:] How much water will be required for the journey? Give your answer in firkins."
"Five," Joshua said, as soon as they stopped speaking. And all were amazed.
The crowd roared. A woman shouted, "Surely he is the Messiah."
"The Son of God has come," said another.
"You guys aren't helping," I shouted back at them.
"You didn't show your work, you didn't show your work," chanted the youngest of the priests.
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