brian 's Reviews > Twilight

Twilight by Stephenie Meyer
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Dec 05, 13

it was ok

my name is bella. bella swan. here's what stephenie didn't tell you. it's super-duper-important.

on the morning after it rained, it was rainy outside and i frowned at it being so rainy all the time. i chuckled to myself, darn weather! i stared at the rain outside, which is where they usually keep the rain. there was never any rain in phoenix. i love phoenix. i hate rain.


i tripped over a large air pocket on my bedroom floor and bashed my skull into the corner of my bookcase, which had three shelves and was faux wood veneer. after i applied cold compresses and stanched most of the bleeding, i drove to school, but they must have moved the school building across town. i chuckled to myself, darn school moving people!


after i drove around for a few hours looking for where they put the building, edward cullen pulled up alongside me in his shiny, silver volvo, which was silver and a saab, i think. his well-muscled chest was riding shotgun, wearing a blue-gray waffle knit long-sleeved t-shirt, relaxed fit jeans with contrast stitching in a lightly distressed wash, and an ivory-colored jacket made from the dyed skins of clubbed baby seals. he dressed very well, like someone who wears nice clothes.


his well-muscled chest waved to me like an old friend, but edward glowered at me from the driver's seat. his eyes were black. i think he came down with glaucoma.


even though he glared at me and gave me the finger, he smiled and told me to follow him to school. he knew where they kept it. i wonder how he found out. but just then, i nearly tripped over my gas pedal and fell through the windshield. i am so clumsy. when we got to school, edward's well-muscled chest walked me to english class.


"try to be careful in there," the chest giggled while at the same time giving me a sinister sideward glance that made the blood in the veins under my skin in my body feel ice-cold.


"haha," i giggled, tapping the chest on its rippling pectorals. "very funny," i then said running my finger around his kennedy-half-dollar sized nipples. "i'll try to be careful," i joked, alarmed at the unearthly chill emitted by his taut obliques.


everyone stared at us in the hallway, which was a long interior space allowing access to various doors. the students were wearing clothes and talking and carrying books. through the windows of the classroom which looked onto the out-of-doors, i could see the rain was still raining outside. then i tripped over my clitoris and fell into a galvanized steel av cart on casters. three people were seriously injured.


i chuckled and turn bright red. how embarrassing.


at the end of the school day edward cullen came to walk me to my car. his chest was nowhere to be seen. probably at banana republic or out hunting mountain lions again. i chuckled to myself, darn chest!


"where's my car?" i giggled after chuckling for a while.


"don't you remember that you totaled it this morning when you drove into the orphan's hospital?" he said. he was looking at me with his eyes. he gave me his ivory jacket to keep me dry from the rain, which is usually very wet. then he looked at me again, smiling with the right half of his mouth but frowning with the left half of his mouth and oddly expressionless in the middle part of his mouth.


"you know," i said, falling over a parking bumper into a rack of bicycles, "rain isn't the only thing there is that gets me wet."


"let's just be friends," he hissed, arching an eyebrow, flexing his sinewy wrists, and flaring his beautiful muscular nostrils.


i realized then he might be a vampire. or really gay. or a really gay vampire.


i should have known. he had erasure cassettes in the car.

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Reading Progress

01/31 marked as: read

Comments (showing 251-300 of 462) (462 new)


message 251: by Laura (new) - rated it 1 star

Laura "you know rain isn't the only thing there that gets me wet"
AHAHAHAHA!! I LUV YA GARY!


message 252: by Olive (new) - rated it 3 stars

Olive "smiling with the right half of his mouth but frowning with the left half of his mouth and oddly expressionless in the middle part of his mouth."

It's funny 'cos it's true:D


message 253: by Erika (new) - rated it 2 stars

Erika That was hilarious! I'm reading this at work and trying very hard to stifle my laughter. I'm not even done with the book, and this is exactly how it reads!


message 254: by Riley (new)

Riley Redgate I may die from laughter.


message 255: by David (new) - rated it 1 star

David Fleming Muscular nostrils are impressive.


Joshua Nomen-Mutatio She chuckled very hard at brian Cullen Gottlieb's undulating review. His pecs smiled at her in gratitude. Etc, etc, etc.


Shehrin Hahahahahahahaha.


Traveller ROFLMAO.. this must be on of the funniest reviews on GR! I'm literally laughing so much that the tears are rolling down my cheeks...


Traveller Dammit, Brian, if I die get hospitalized because of a heart attack from laughing this much, I'm sending you the bill!


message 260: by Ivana (new)

Ivana you're my hero :D


message 261: by Richard (last edited Apr 28, 2012 04:55PM) (new)

Richard Brian, I haven't even read Twilight, but l love this review. My vocal cords tripped over each other and then I tripped over my vocal cords because of the guffawy laughter that was rippling up past my diaphragm, which apparently is the natural kind, not the kind you get at the drugstore.


Melissa Arondoski i almost peed my pants reading this. dammit.


message 263: by Patricia (new)

Patricia Noland This is the best review ever!


rebelrebs awesome


Princess Kayla omigod bella you are so smarticle!

Lol I loved this review! :)


message 266: by Bidisha (new)

Bidisha You killed me.
*dies laughing*


message 267: by Carol. (new)

Carol. I wish I could like this again.

I chuckled to myself and pushed the like button that I had already pushed. Darn like button!


ɐıʌɐʇɔo *golf clap*


message 269: by Anna (new) - rated it 1 star

Anna Please please rewrite twilight. I will pay you. Ok no I won't, but I'll be eternally greatful!! This made me laugh harder than I have in a long time and I want more!


message 270: by Richard (new)

Richard I think you meant "grateful" Anna. But actually, your spelling is appropriate here, because it's a "greatful" review, i.e. full of greatness! :)


ɐıʌɐʇɔo You should write a parody! I'd love to read it!
*hee hee* :3


message 272: by Kara (new)

Kara I just love this so much. I looked up at the sky, which is where they usually keep the rain. OMG I am in tears!


message 273: by Casey (new) - rated it 5 stars

Casey Schafer Funniest review I've read in awhile.


message 274: by Yzen (new) - rated it 1 star

Yzen Best review ever!


message 275: by Jane (new) - rated it 2 stars

Jane This is great except Bella doesn't giggle, laugh or chuckle or show happiness or emotion in any form. (It's not just Kristen Stewart)


message 276: by Sharon (new) - rated it 4 stars

Sharon Too freakin' funny!! Thanks for the chuckle.


message 277: by The (new) - rated it 4 stars

The O So hilarious! Loved it thank you.


Margarita Stoimenova This is the best book review ever! Made me laugh so much!


Zuburgirl i couldn't stop cry-laughing!!!!


message 280: by Richard (new)

Richard Zuburgirl wrote: "i couldn't stop cry-laughing!!!!"

i think a lot of people had that reaction. :)


message 281: by Marija (new) - rated it 2 stars

Marija I ''giggled and chuckled'' a LOT! I'm gonna have to read this review again:)


message 282: by Micaela (new)

Micaela This just made my freaking day!


message 283: by Fancy (new) - rated it 5 stars

Fancy Nancy This is funny like things that make me laugh usually are.


message 284: by Isabella (new) - added it

Isabella oh. my. GOD. i laughed so hard my grandma came in and told me to shut up, and she hardly ever moves. you're so damn funny. i like twilight, i always liked the book, but i know the heroine was an idiot. so i like to mock it now and then. thanks for this!


message 285: by Lindsey (new)

Lindsey Wayne You, sir, are my hero. Would you PLEASE write a legitimate parody?
Also, my friend and I would like to frame your review and hang it up. xD


message 286: by Robyn (last edited Dec 16, 2012 01:54PM) (new)

Robyn made my day! hahahaha can't stop laughing, i love 'the students were wearing clothes and talking and carrying books' :') thanks!


ღSophia {In the TARDIS} Winchesterღ Lol, I laughed so much. But TOO TRUE


message 288: by Nicole (new) - rated it 4 stars

Nicole lol
this made me laugh so hard!


message 289: by Yejoon (new) - rated it 5 stars

Yejoon Kim I laughed so hard with this, especially the tripping over the clitoris and the very gay vampire part. XD


message 291: by Cecily (new) - rated it 2 stars

Cecily This review was far more enjoyable than the book.


Traveller It is easily the funniest review i have ever read.


message 293: by Gen (new) - rated it 5 stars

Gen Ahahhahahahhah!

That's all i have to say... I hadn't laughed like that in a while!


message 294: by Brandon (new)

Brandon TRIPPED OVER MY CLITORIS XD OH GOD


message 295: by Rick Grimes (new)

Rick Grimes "a really gay vampire"


message 296: by Dreamer (new)

Dreamer This made me laugh so.friggin.hard!


Emiyelse I've read loads of reviews but this beats them all


message 298: by Emma (new)

Emma I actually cried with laughter


Charlotte Funniest review ever. I especially enjoyed 'then i tripped over my clitoris and fell into a galvanized steel av cart on casters. three people were seriously injured.'

Genius.


Madison Chabot HI-FREAKIN-LARIOUS review


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