brian 's Reviews > Twilight

Twilight by Stephenie Meyer
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Dec 05, 13


my name is bella. bella swan. here's what stephenie didn't tell you. it's super-duper-important.

on the morning after it rained, it was rainy outside and i frowned at it being so rainy all the time. i chuckled to myself, darn weather! i stared at the rain outside, which is where they usually keep the rain. there was never any rain in phoenix. i love phoenix. i hate rain.


i tripped over a large air pocket on my bedroom floor and bashed my skull into the corner of my bookcase, which had three shelves and was faux wood veneer. after i applied cold compresses and stanched most of the bleeding, i drove to school, but they must have moved the school building across town. i chuckled to myself, darn school moving people!


after i drove around for a few hours looking for where they put the building, edward cullen pulled up alongside me in his shiny, silver volvo, which was silver and a saab, i think. his well-muscled chest was riding shotgun, wearing a blue-gray waffle knit long-sleeved t-shirt, relaxed fit jeans with contrast stitching in a lightly distressed wash, and an ivory-colored jacket made from the dyed skins of clubbed baby seals. he dressed very well, like someone who wears nice clothes.


his well-muscled chest waved to me like an old friend, but edward glowered at me from the driver's seat. his eyes were black. i think he came down with glaucoma.


even though he glared at me and gave me the finger, he smiled and told me to follow him to school. he knew where they kept it. i wonder how he found out. but just then, i nearly tripped over my gas pedal and fell through the windshield. i am so clumsy. when we got to school, edward's well-muscled chest walked me to english class.


"try to be careful in there," the chest giggled while at the same time giving me a sinister sideward glance that made the blood in the veins under my skin in my body feel ice-cold.


"haha," i giggled, tapping the chest on its rippling pectorals. "very funny," i then said running my finger around his kennedy-half-dollar sized nipples. "i'll try to be careful," i joked, alarmed at the unearthly chill emitted by his taut obliques.


everyone stared at us in the hallway, which was a long interior space allowing access to various doors. the students were wearing clothes and talking and carrying books. through the windows of the classroom which looked onto the out-of-doors, i could see the rain was still raining outside. then i tripped over my clitoris and fell into a galvanized steel av cart on casters. three people were seriously injured.


i chuckled and turn bright red. how embarrassing.


at the end of the school day edward cullen came to walk me to my car. his chest was nowhere to be seen. probably at banana republic or out hunting mountain lions again. i chuckled to myself, darn chest!


"where's my car?" i giggled after chuckling for a while.


"don't you remember that you totaled it this morning when you drove into the orphan's hospital?" he said. he was looking at me with his eyes. he gave me his ivory jacket to keep me dry from the rain, which is usually very wet. then he looked at me again, smiling with the right half of his mouth but frowning with the left half of his mouth and oddly expressionless in the middle part of his mouth.


"you know," i said, falling over a parking bumper into a rack of bicycles, "rain isn't the only thing there is that gets me wet."


"let's just be friends," he hissed, arching an eyebrow, flexing his sinewy wrists, and flaring his beautiful muscular nostrils.


i realized then he might be a vampire. or really gay. or a really gay vampire.


i should have known. he had erasure cassettes in the car.

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Comments (showing 1-50 of 399) (399 new)


Books Ring Mah Bell You have had some amazing reviews, but none have made me laugh as hard as this one.

Nice.

:)


message 2: by [deleted user] (new)

Great review, gottiboy!

I esp. love:

but just then, i nearly tripped over my gas pedal and fell through the windshield.


message 3: by Kim (new) - rated it 4 stars

Kim Okay, THIS slap at Twilight I can honestly laugh at. Thank you.


message 4: by Eddie (new)

Eddie Watkins laughingly hilarious


message 5: by Chris (new)

Chris I love:

i could see the rain was still raining outside.


Bram Great stuff, brian. Time will tell if it's too subtle/well-crafted to reach it's 700+ vote potential. My favorite part is the chest-giggling. I'm pretty sure that happens in the book too.


message 7: by Michelle (last edited Dec 02, 2009 07:29AM) (new) - rated it 5 stars

Michelle *applauds*


message 8: by Joshua Nomen-Mutatio (last edited Dec 02, 2009 07:55AM) (new)

Joshua Nomen-Mutatio -he dressed very well, like someone who wears nice clothes.

-then i tripped over my clitoris and fell into a galvanized steel av cart on casters.

-i giggled after chuckling for a while.

-then he looked at me again, smiling with the right half of his mouth but frowning with the left half of his mouth and oddly expressionless in the middle part of his mouth.

Oh, lolgarytearsstreaming all around!


Manny If the Harvard Lampoon had any talent, this is how Nightlight would have been. Truly, the race goes not to the swift, nor the victory to the strong, nor the display shelf nearest the checkout to the more accomplished parodist...



RandomAnthony even though he glared at me and gave me the finger, he smiled and told me to follow him to school.

This made me laugh loud enough to disturb my colleagues in the hallway. Well done, sir.


message 11: by Brad (new) - rated it 2 stars

Brad The funniest Twilight mock I've read. Genius, brian. I'll never look at hallways the same way again. Or clitorises.


Jasmine i wonder if it is possible to equally hate this book as much as i like it. the 13 year old in me loved it, but then again, each time i see somewhere tear it to shreds i am just as enthralled and excited


message 13: by Bram (new) - rated it 2 stars

Bram So...are you continuing the series?


Eh?Eh! his well-muscled chest was riding shotgun, wearing a blue-gray waffle knit long-sleeved t-shirt, relaxed fit jeans with contrast stitching in a lightly distressed wash, and an ivory-colored jacket made from the dyed skins of clubbed baby seals. he dressed very well, like someone who wears nice clothes.

Hahhaa, very good review! Do you write for the J.Peterman catalog?


message 15: by Weinz (last edited Dec 02, 2009 09:22AM) (new) - rated it 1 star

Weinz I super-duper love this review in a totally respectful way.


message 16: by Kimley (new)

Kimley Oh, this made me giggle to myself while chuckling.

Hey, I knew a gay vampire when I lived in New Orleans. Seriously! He was quite the gentleman. He even looked at me - with his eyes!



message 17: by Joshua Nomen-Mutatio (last edited Dec 02, 2009 10:44AM) (new)

Joshua Nomen-Mutatio Kimley wrote: "He even looked at me - with his eyes!"

Yeah, but where was his muscular chest looking during all of this?


Jackie "the Librarian" everyone stared at us in the hallway, which was a long interior space allowing access to various doors.

Hah! Thanks for clearing up my confusion about hallways, Brian. :)


message 19: by Randy (new)

Randy A saintly few minutes after reading this, I nearly crashed my El Camino. However, it may be a Ranchero or sport pickup!


message 20: by Mike (new)

Mike                                              I will love this review later, after we've made it legal. Until then I will love it from out of the corner of my eyes, deep in my heart, knowing it loves me, too.


brian   thanks, all!

and for the record: i'm waaaaay Team Edward. way.


message 22: by Joshua Nomen-Mutatio (last edited Dec 02, 2009 12:16PM) (new)

Joshua Nomen-Mutatio Edward's the one that doesn't do a really poor job at masking his homosexuality, right? That's the werewolf one, huh?


Joshua Nomen-Mutatio This review makes me want to at least take a glance at these books now. A stunning feat of simultaneous mockery and promotion, brian! Kudos!


message 24: by Kimley (last edited Dec 02, 2009 01:52PM) (new)

Kimley MyFleshSingsOut wrote: "Kimley wrote: "He even looked at me - with his eyes!"

Yeah, but where was his muscular chest looking during all of this?"


Heh heh, he had no muscles! He was tall, scrawny and very pale and would literally tell everyone he was a vampire - without the slightest trace of humor. I was always very impressed with the performance actually.

I worked the night shift with him at the Tower Records in the French Quarter. He, a guy whose last name was Faust and another very sweet dopey guy who wore the same Sex Pistols T-shirt everyday but looked like a hippie (Roger Daltry circa Tommy) and I would all go drinking after our shift. They were all perfect gentlemen and would never allow me to walk on the curb side of the sidewalk - a chivalric behavior I wasn't even aware of until I lived in New Orleans.

Where are these Twilight books set? I saw something on the news the other day that the small town they are set in is now a major tourist stop. I wasn't paying much attention though and can't remember where it was - it should be in the South!


message 25: by D. (last edited Dec 02, 2009 12:49PM) (new) - rated it 1 star

D. Pow Gottlieb, you crazy bitch. You can bite me any time.


message 26: by Stephen (new)

Stephen Fabulatastic review oh Brian of L.A.

I LOVED his chest was nowhere to be seen. probably at banana republic or out hunting mountain lions again. i chuckled to myself, darn chest!


message 27: by Gail (new) - rated it 5 stars

Gail OK, Twilight fan though I am, I can still laugh at this review! That said, I really think (to be fair) this is Stephenie Meyers meets Ernest Hemingway meets Twilight. HA!


message 28: by Jeanette (new)

Jeanette  "Astute Crabbist" Priceless! Thanks for the laughs.


message 29: by Michelle (last edited Dec 02, 2009 02:14PM) (new) - rated it 5 stars

Michelle Kimley wrote: Where are these Twilight books set?

They are set in Forks, Washington where there is very high rainfall. These vampires can walk in the day, but can't be seen in the sun because it would be obvious they were inhuman.

(Yes. Some of my friends call me "Twi-tard.")

Edit* P.S. Kimley, your story about Mr. Faust reminded me of a goth I used to know who changed his name to Erich Von Hollander.


message 30: by Jamie (new)

Jamie I've read many a Twilight mock-review, and this is far and away the funniest one. Amazing.


message 31: by Ademption (new)

Ademption @Brian
I think you're ready to write YA novels. If you want cash, write 400 pages of the same. If you want accolades, throw in a tenative blowjob or a big theme like slavery or the holocaust and you'll win a Printz award.

@Michelle

The word I heard was "Twerd": Twilight + Nerd.

@Whoev:
New Moon re-enacted by LOLcats: http://microsuede.blogspot.com/2009/1...


message 32: by D. (new) - rated it 1 star

D. Pow Seventy fucking votes? Seventy?

wasn't that fucking good. you see this shit, Kowalski?

seventy votes?


message 33: by [deleted user] (new)

You just don't understand Goodreads voting, Donald.

Amateur.


message 34: by Bram (last edited Dec 03, 2009 09:10AM) (new) - rated it 2 stars

Bram Let's all make predictions on the vote count of this review by December 31st, 11:59pm. I'll say 232.

And only 1,136 to go before it's the most popular Twilight review of all time.


message 35: by D. (new) - rated it 1 star

D. Pow I'm an amateur
that's for sure

only 1136 to go. LOL Good Buddy, Bram!


Jackie "the Librarian" I'm still waiting for David's Twilight review...


message 37: by [deleted user] (new)

Jacks, I gotta tell ya... I've read about half of this thing, and it is ROUGH-going. My guess is that the novel could be improved dramatically by the removal of about 200 pages (and that's a conservative estimate). I feel as though Meyer is trying to bore her audience into some kind of somnambulant stupor. And she's highly successful in that respect.

I'm SURE there have to be better Mormon teenage Vampire romances out there!


Joshua Nomen-Mutatio Wait -- this involves Mormonism, too??? Jupiter's Thunder! Madre de Dios!


message 39: by [deleted user] (last edited Dec 03, 2009 09:57AM) (new)

Well, the Mormonism is implicit. The author is Mormon, and her characters are very wholesome and chaste. (i.e., unrealistic)


Joshua Nomen-Mutatio So Edward doesn't remove any sacred ritual panties from Bella? But it's implied that they're wearing special underwear, so, at least there's that.


message 41: by Weinz (new) - rated it 1 star

Weinz .... so many things to say but ... I ... must not...


Jackie "the Librarian" Oh, yes, there is an awful lot of repetitious angsting in the book.
But, teenage girls do that, you know.


Joshua Nomen-Mutatio Teenage boys are no strangers to that either. Wanna see my poetry notebooks from ages 12-15?


message 44: by Bram (last edited Dec 03, 2009 10:40AM) (new) - rated it 2 stars

Bram Um, yes. I want to see those on your profile page within the hour.


message 45: by Bram (last edited Dec 03, 2009 10:42AM) (new) - rated it 2 stars

Bram D. wrote: "I'm an amateur
that's for sure

only 1136 to go. LOL Good Buddy, Bram! "


1133!!!11! im crying over here!! how bout a few more votes for this great time having were guys???!!! tut tut

bram


Jackie "the Librarian" MyFleshSingsOut wrote: "Teenage boys are no strangers to that either. Wanna see my poetry notebooks from ages 12-15?"

Yes! Yes, I would love to see those, MFSO. :)


message 47: by [deleted user] (last edited Dec 03, 2009 10:48AM) (new)

tears streaming out of my eyes!!! eyes falling out of my face!!!

Oh. The 'tut tut' always gets me.

I still don't think he's real. I refuse to live in a world where he's real.


Michelle I did not write message 52!!! The rain!!

Michelle


Joshua Nomen-Mutatio I actually just retrieved two boxes of miscellaneous, sentimental debris which were stored in a friend's attic for the last several years, and I'm pretty sure it should have some old notebooks of mine buried in there somewhere. I think what didn't get burned out of overwhelming embarrassment (mostly love letters from a girl in high school and some of my earliest journal/poems from seventh and eighth grade) should be preserved. I'm almost afraid to look at it. But maybe I'll play show and tell for some of you GoodReaders...


message 50: by Weinz (new) - rated it 1 star

Weinz Michelle wrote: "I did not write message 52!!! The rain!!

Michelle"


Brilliant... I'm sorry but it just never gets old.

-Michee2




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