To the idiots who surround him at Gale Sayers Middle School, Oliver Watson is just a dumb little fat kid who puts strawberry jam on his baloney sandwiches. But in reality, Oliver is a malevolent supergenius with an underground lair, a love for Captain Beefheart, and the ability to overthrow foreign regimes on a whim. He's also a boy after my own evil heart:

The fact is, when I ascend to my throne -- and I will ascend to my throne -- life for the average person won't be much worse than it is now. In some respects, it will probably be better. For instance, I will outlaw the song "Jingle Bell Rock," which all scientists agree is the worst song ever created. With that one law, I will improve Christmas by two hundred percent!

This book has it all: Political intrigue. Oedipal issues. Astounding technology. Fart jokes. In short, a classic of modern Western literature. Or at the very least, a pleasant way to spend a frigid afternoon, especially with some Earl Grey and a bowl of clementines by your side.