Red Siegfried's Reviews > Crabs on the Rampage

Crabs on the Rampage by Guy N. Smith
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's review
Sep 27, 2007

did not like it
Read in September, 2007

Okay, here's what I learned based on this book and reading Guy N. Smith's website at

First of all there are three other Crabs books that have not been released in America. All the books are, in order that they were written:

Night of The Crabs, 1976
Killer Crabs, 1978
Origin of The Crabs, 1979
Crabs on The Rampage, 1981
Night of The Crabs 2: Crabs' Moon, 1984
Crabs: The Human Sacrifice, 1988

As far as I can tell only three were published in America, out of order. They are:

The Origin of The Crabs
Crabs' Moon
Crabs on The Rampage

Now here's the thing. The first two books are basically a series of shittily strung together vinettes about hateable people being eaten alive by the giant crabs and begging to die, with some sex thrown in for "interest." Crabs on The Rampage actually introduces some story, even if only a little. There is a scientist who apparently has fought the crabs in the past using paraquat and nuclear weapons, along with some other people who are unnamed. The crabs have been beaten before, and these people are experienced in fighting them, even though conventional weapons have little effect on them. The crabs apparently were created by Russian nuclear weapons tests in the ocean somewhere, but we won't attempt to explain that.

This time the crabs have a new activity besides dismembering adulterers and sadists and random children and sucking their intestines down like spaghetti. They are intelligent enough to hate human beings for turning them into mutated monsters, and also for causing them all to die slowly of bubbling, oozing, puss dripping cancer. Yes, cancer. How ironic. So they're on a last ditch effort to invade land and take revenge on humans before they die. As if they weren't doing that before. Now there's a motivation, of sorts. I guess.

Despite these elements of a STORY, nothing the humans actually do matters because, ala H.G. Wells, the crabs just end up dying on their own anyway in the end.

Yeah, I'm pretty harsh on these books, but I wonder if the sadistic portrayals of human dismemberment and purulent descriptions of random sex could have been a bit more forgivable if I had read the other three books. From the last one, there seemed to have been some "plot" that takes place in them. Perhaps the American publishers, between coke-fueled pedophilia bouts, thought that would just be too confusing for the people in flyover land since they're too busy driving their tractors to church and fucking farm animals. Guy Smith actually seems like he could be a halfway decent writer if he would stick to the detailed images of the outdoors and wildlife that, having read his biography, he obviously enjoys very much and has much personal experience with and love for. That stuff's not bad ... until the crabs show up and flay the skin and genitalia from whatever asshole was introduced this chapter.

Oh yeah, that, and when you bring a British book to America you don't have to go through it with a word processor and replace every incidence of the word "pound" with "dollar." I think we all understand that they use different currency over there. Thanks, Dell publishing. Thanks for nothing. Where do I go to get 20 hours of my life back?

That having been said, if you enjoy pain, read these books. My new goal is to find those other three and abuse my brain some more in the vain hope that there may be something redeeming in them.

Oh, who am I kidding? I'm going to slit my wrists now. The long way.


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