Paul Bryant's Reviews > Hamlet

Hamlet by William Shakespeare
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Feb 09, 2016

it was amazing
bookshelves: popular-and-unpopular-music, poetry, assorted-rants-about-stuff

The Skinhead Hamlet - Shakespeare's play translated into modern English. By Richard Curtis. Yes, that Richard Curtis!

Note : those offended by the F word - LOOK AWAY NOW! And Georgia, if you've stumbled on this review by your funny old dad - this is ANOTHER Paul Bryant. Not me!

*********

ACT I
SCENE I
The Battlements of Elsinore Castle.

[Enter HAMLET, followed by GHOST:]

GHOST: Oi! Mush!

HAMLET: Yer?

GHOST: I was fucked!

[Exit GHOST:]

HAMLET: O Fuck.

[Exit HAMLET:]

SCENE II
The Throneroom.

[Enter KING CLAUDIUS, GERTRUDE, HAMLET and COURT:]

CLAUDIUS: Oi! You, Hamlet, give over!

HAMLET: Fuck off, won't you?

[Exit CLAUDIUS, GERTRUDE, COURT:]

HAMLET: (Alone) They could have fucking waited.

[Enter HORATIO:]

HORATIO: Oi! Watcha cock!

HAMLET: Weeeeey!

[Exeunt:]

SCENE III
Ophelia's Bedroom.

[Enter OPHELIA and LAERTES:]

LAERTES: I'm fucking off now. Watch Hamlet doesn't slip you one while I'm gone.

OPHELIA: I'll be fucked if he does.

[Exeunt:]

SCENE IV
The Battlements.

[Enter HORATIO, HAMLET and GHOST.:]

GHOST: Oi! Mush, get on with it!

HAMLET: Who did it then?

GHOST: That wanker Claudius. He poured fucking poison in my fucking ear!

HAMLET: Fuck me!

[Exeunt.:]

ACT II
SCENE I
A corridor in the castle.

[Enter HAMLET reading. Enter POLONIUS.:]

POLONIUS: Oi! You!

HAMLET: Fuck off, grandad!

[Exit POLONIUS. Enter ROSENCRANZ and GUILDENSTERN.:]

ROS & GUILD: Oi! Oi! Mucca!

HAMLET: Fuck off, the pair of you!

[Exit ROS & GUILD.:]

HAMLET: (Alone) To fuck or be fucked.

[Enter OPHELIA.:]

OPHELIA: My Lord!

HAMLET: Fuck off to a nunnery!

[They exit in different directions.:]

ACT III
SCENE I
The Throne Room.

[Enter PLAYERS and all COURT.:]

FIRST PLAYER: Full thirty times hath Phoebus cart...

CLAUDIUS: I'll be fucked if I watch any more of this crap.

[Exeunt.:]

SCENE II
Gertrude's Bedchamber.

[Enter GERTRUDE and POLONIUS, who hides behind an arras.:]

[Enter HAMLET.:]

HAMLET: Oi! Slag!

GERTRUDE: Watch your fucking mouth, kid!

POLONIUS: (From behind the curtain) Too right.

HAMLET: Who the fuck was that?

[He stabs POLONIUS through the arras.:]

POLONIUS: Fuck!

[POLONIUS dies.:]

HAMLET: Fuck! I thought it was that other wanker.

[Exeunt.:]

ACT IV
SCENE I
A Court Room.

[Enter HAMLET, CLAUDIUS.:]

CLAUDIUS: Fuck off to England then!

HAMLET: Delighted, mush.

SCENE II
The Throne Room.

[Enter OPHELIA, GERTRUDE and CLAUDIUS.:]

OPHELIA: Here, cop a whack of this.

[She hands GERTRUDE some rosemary and exits.:]

CLAUDIUS: She's fucking round the twist, isn't she?

GERTRUDE: (Looking out the window.) There is a willow grows aslant the brook.

CLAUDIUS: Get on with it, slag.

GERTRUDE: Ophelia's gone and fucking drowned!

CLAUDIUS: Fuck! Laertes isn't half going to be browned off.

[Exeunt.:]

SCENE III
A Corridor.

[Enter LAERTES.:]

LAERTES: (Alone) I'm going to fucking do this lot.

[Enter CLAUDIUS.:]

CLAUDIUS: I didn't fucking do it, mate. It was that wanker Hamlet.

LAERTES: Well, fuck him.

[Exeunt.:]

ACT V
SCENE I
Hamlet's Bedchamber.

[Enter HAMLET and HORATIO.:]

HAMLET: I got this feeling I'm going to cop it, Horatio, and you know, I couldn't give a flying fuck.

[Exeunt.:]

SCENE II
Large Hall.

[Enter HAMLET, LAERTES, COURT, GERTRUDE, CLAUDIUS.:]

LAERTES: Oi, wanker: let's get on with it.

HAMLET: Delighted, fuckface.

[They fight and both are poisoned by the poisoned sword.:]

LAERTES: Fuck!

HAMLET: Fuck!

[The QUEEN drinks.:]

GERTRUDE: Fucking odd wine!

CLAUDIUS: You drunk the wrong fucking cup, you stupid cow!

[GERTRUDE dies.:]

HAMLET: (Pouring the poison down CLAUDIUS'S throat) Well, fuck you!

CLAUDIUS: I'm fair and squarely fucked.

[CLAUDIUS dies.:]

LAERTES: Oi, mush: no hard feelings, eh?

HAMLET: Yer.

[LAERTES dies.:]

HAMLET: Oi! Horatio!

HORATIO: Yer?

HAMLET: I'm fucked. The rest is fucking silence.

[HAMLET dies.:]

HORATIO: Fuck: that was no ordinary wanker, you know.

[Enter FORTINBRAS.:]

FORTINBRAS: What the fuck's going on here?

HORATIO: A fucking mess, that's for sure.

FORTINBRAS: No kidding. I see Hamlet's fucked.

HORATIO: Yer.

FORTINBRAS: Fucking shame: fucking good bloke.

HORATIO: Too fucking right.

FORTINBRAS: Fuck this for a lark then. Let's piss off.

[Exeunt with alarums.:]
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Reading Progress

02/07 marked as: read 1 comment
02/09 marked as: assorted-rants-about-stuff

Comments (showing 1-41 of 41) (41 new)

dateDown arrow    newest »

Jessica Oi! I can't believe I just read all that lot! Fuck! Paul, you wanker!


message 2: by Anthony (new)

Anthony Buckley This is a definite improvement. I do so like brevity of expression. Sometimes I feel the bard used far too many words.


Paul Bryant Never use one where a bucketful will do - that was his motto. Likewise Marcel Proust : "N'employez jamais seulement un mot si vous pouvez partir avec une page pleine, mon vieux!".


Manny Fuck me, but this review's just fucking - y'know. Innit?



message 5: by .: .A.E.R. (new)

.: .A.E.R. X ^ D


Charles Fucking fantastic!


Brad This beats Stoppard's fifteen minute Hamlet. Too fuckin' right.


Paul Bryant Fuck off!


Manny I just looked it up on Wikipedia:

The Skinhead Hamlet is a short parody of the play Hamlet by Richard Curtis, a co-author of Blackadder.

According to the an editor's note, the play is intended "to achieve something like the effect of the New English Bible".

Ha!

I mean, too fucking right...



David Fuck! That Paul is no ordinary wanker, you know!
Fucking brilliant.


message 11: by Eric_W (new)

Eric_W 性交


Charles Richard Curtis! I don't believe it. Fuck, actually...


Manny Google is 性交-ing brilliant, isn't it? 'Scuse my Chinese.



Jackie "the Librarian" I wish I'd read this instead of watching Kenneth Branaugh's endless movie version. F**&!


message 15: by Robert (new)

Robert Well that review was bucking foring!


message 16: by Eric_W (new)

Eric_W Manny wrote: "Google is 性交-ing brilliant, isn't it? 'Scuse my Chinese.
"


:)


message 17: by Beth A (new) - added it

Beth A Can I share this on Facebook, Paul? Too fucking funny. And if I can't, well then, fuck you! I'm gonna do it any fucking way!


message 18: by Paul (new) - rated it 5 stars

Paul Bryant Fuckers.


message 19: by Beth A (new) - added it

Beth A Paul wrote: "Fuckers."
Hehe!



message 20: by Paquita Maria (last edited Sep 08, 2010 08:18PM) (new) - rated it 5 stars

Paquita Maria Sanchez Fuck.


Paquita Maria Sanchez I mean seriously...FUCK.


message 22: by Faith (new) - added it

Faith you just love that word, dont cha?


message 23: by Ian (new) - rated it 5 stars

Ian Grayejoy You could do the whole of the Bard in this style.
Shakespeare for Fuck-knuckles.


message 24: by Tracy (last edited Mar 20, 2012 06:38PM) (new) - rated it 5 stars

Tracy Reilly Vyvyan would read it now. (From the Young Ones.)


message 25: by Paul (last edited Mar 20, 2012 03:31PM) (new) - rated it 5 stars

Paul Bryant Strangely enough, my daughter Georgia recently played Ophelia in a school production.


message 26: by Traveller (last edited Mar 21, 2012 06:34AM) (new) - added it

Traveller Ffffffffffortuitous! Friggin' fruity, mate! Ohhh, please let me not start on F's this time. Come, Ian, let's trash this entire fread wif a bunch of F's... XD

Facebook? Facepalm!


message 27: by Ian (new) - rated it 5 stars

Ian Grayejoy Ophelia earth move under my feet,
Ophelia sky tumbling down.
Ophelia heart start to trembling
Whenever you're around


message 28: by Traveller (new) - added it

Traveller O - oo...


message 29: by Tracy (last edited Mar 21, 2012 07:49AM) (new) - rated it 5 stars

Tracy Reilly Isn't that Carole King? Not very ska.


message 30: by Ian (new) - rated it 5 stars

Ian Grayejoy Traveller wrote: "O - oo..."

Ophelia timber stilts under your house
Ophelia cattle dogs sunder your cows
Ophelia softtitz under your blouse
Whenever you're around


message 31: by Ian (new) - rated it 5 stars

Ian Grayejoy Tracy wrote: "Isn't that Carole King? Not very ska."

Ophelia, stop your messing around.
Better think of your future
Stop showin' flesh to the boys
Wear somethin' that'll suit ya


message 32: by Traveller (last edited Mar 21, 2012 09:47AM) (new) - added it

Traveller Ian wrote: "Traveller wrote: "O - oo..."

Ophelia timber stilts under your house
Ophelia cattle dogs sunder your cows
Ophelia softtitz under your blouse
Whenever you're around"


<_< Eh? Watcha smokin' Ian? Something tells me you've been reading too much Gaddis, and you probably need to get out a little.. :D

Is this a song you're quoting?


Applejack Speaking of fucks, I got the 69th like!


message 34: by Paul (new) - rated it 5 stars

Paul Bryant What a tasteless comment! This is Shakespeare we are discussing here!


Lamora Oh my god,I can't stop laughing.You deserve an award.


Tracy Reilly Ian wrote: "Ophelia earth move under my feet,
Ophelia sky tumbling down.
Ophelia heart start to trembling
Whenever you're around"


Ian: you're giving me a memory headache--sky tumbling' down, tumbling' down...what's that from????? Arrgghh!


gooby I'm gonna save this review and read it everyday till the rest of my fucking life.


Tracy Reilly Now I remember : I feel the earth move under my feet--
I feel the sky tumbling down, tumbling down....


message 39: by Nahla (new) - added it

Nahla Youssef i just reading " fuck" and "fuck" and "fuck" what's that ? just fucking here ? nothing else!!!!


message 40: by Paul (new) - rated it 5 stars

Paul Bryant that's Shakespeare for you.


message 41: by Ike (new) - rated it 4 stars

Ike Best review I have ever seen in my life.


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