Ian's Reviews > Vernon God Little: A 21st Century Comedy in the Presence of Death

Vernon God Little by D.B.C. Pierre
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's review
Aug 23, 2009

it was amazing
bookshelves: kicked-my-ass, author-knows-my-life, not-for-kids, soap-opera
Read in September, 2009

Now think hard. Think real, fucken hard. That’s what I tell myself. Cept I can’t. Can’t think hard cause I’m too affected. Or is it impacted. Or is it impacted. I don’t know. Fucken waves, that’s all I know. Waves that bowl me over and tumble me head over fucken heels. Drowning me and scraping me in the sand and salt that seeks out all my old fucken wounds. Fucken scours and stings is what those waves do. Hardest fucken book review I’ll ever try to write, I know that much. I mean, fuck.

First thing you need to understand here is that Vernon God Little left me pretty raw. Emotionally speaking, I mean. The book fucken touched something painful in me. It may not touch you that way but it did for me. So it will show in my review, and if you don’t think you can handle my rawness, you can just quit now and go back to watching Court TV or Doctor Fucken Phil or whatever. Turn up the fucken volume so you can’t hear this shit. Second thing is that it ain’t all bad. This was also the funniest damn book I read since A Confederacy of Dunces. The book ends well and, hopefully, so will this review.

So this is the part I hate. The part that feels like fucken therapy with Dr. Goosens and his goddamn index finger. Pull down your drawers and spread your fucken cheeks. It’s okay I’m a psychologist which means I’m also a medical doctor. The fuck you are. That’s exit-only down there motherfucker. But I gotta do it if I wanna make bail, you see. I know I’m gonna end up on one a them web sites. Old sick fuckers gettin off on watchin Goosens invade my personal space. But I can’t run to Mexico. I gotta stick it out—no fucken pun intended. I gotta scream “I’m innocent!” before shit gets outta hand. So this is the part where I share my feelings. But so long as you don’t pull out your finger and sniff it, we’re gonna be okay here. Yes we are.

Look I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again: I’m not on GoodReads to learn about books. I’m on GoodReads to learn about people. I read all you nice folks’ reviews to learn about you ... about how the book affected you ... what it meant to you. I can learn about the fucken book anywhere. So what kinda asshole am I if I’m not gonna let you learn a little about me? So here I am. Fuck.

And it basically boils down to this one learning I made from this book: we all have our own massacre. You included, that’s right. You just don’t fucken know it yet. It’s there, either happening or waiting to happen. And you’re hoping if nobody sees it then it ain’t real. You’re hoping if you know it’s gonna happen but you don’t tell nobody then it ain’t really gonna happen. But it’s gonna fucken happen. And it’s gonna be fucken real. It sure as hell ain’t your fault, though everybody else sure as hell thinks it is. They look at you sideways, the way people do, but you jackrabbit them and they look away all embarrassed. They ask you the same goddamn questions and it don’t matter how many times you say “I didn’t do it.” And here’s another leaning I made from this book: all those motherfuckers will control you so long as you let them. But you gotta shift the power-dime in your favor. I ain’t gonna tell you how to do it, though. You gotta read the book for yourself, see?

So what about me, you’re asking? Am I ever gonna get to the fucken point? Fine. I’ve been putting it off till I made sure you knew that you had your own fucken massacre, too. And I ain’t looking for no damn sympathy, just so you know. My massacre is my pain. Physical pain. Several years ago I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. Oh that you say? That shit’s not a real disease. That shit’s an excuse for lazy fuckers who don’t wanna work and like to take prescription pain killers. Well fuck you. You don’t know fucken shit. I bust my ass to provide for my family and run a tight household and I do it in pain every fucken day. And you think I like taking the hard pain meds? You think that’s fun? Well if that’s what you think then you got your own fucken problems cause it ain’t no fun. Nearly every day I have to choose between being in pain or being high. I’d really rather be neither but most days that isn’t one of the choices. I got my number-2 pencil and my scantron and I look to fill in the bubble for “none of the above” but it ain’t there. That ain’t no damn fun at all. And like Vernon I get blamed for my massacre; sometimes I feel like I'm fucken on trial for it. But from my point of view I was just in the wrong place at the wrong fucken time.

But I told you it would end well, didn’t I? So enough of my fucken problems. This book is full of some really funny shit, ya know? I mean, like, did you think Mr. Dee Bee Cee Pee-Air could write a book about murdered teenagers and betrayal and pedophilia without throwing in some humor? Who the fuck would want to read that? So Vernon God Little is fucken full of humor. Things I never woulda thought about. Like the difference between fucking and fuckin and fucken. There’s three different kinds a people right there. Or like the things you can tell about a woman by the kind of panties she’s wearing. Like where she’s from and where she’s goin, if you get my meaning. Oh and how bout the way Vernon’s whole town is fixated on the Bar-B-Chew Barn? I mean, are you fucken kidding me?

So, look here. The book ends well, this review ends well, and I just have to believe life ends well. I know there’s plenty examples of life not ending well for decent folks. But there’s also plenty examples of things turning out fine for folks who treat people nice and keep their noses out of trouble, and I can’t speak for you, but that’s where I choose to place my hope. Now, let’s talk some more about ladies’ panties ...
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Reading Progress

09/07/2009 page 2
0.69% "This book is my current mistress. I read two pages of her last night before bed and she was delightful ;)"
09/08/2009 page 25
8.68% "This book is fucken hilarious."
09/09/2009 page 35
12.15% "This book is so fucken sweet I had to put aside The Uninc. Man for now. Vernon's observations have me completely riveted, wowed, and amused." 6 comments
09/14/2009 page 85
29.51% "Still pretty good but I'm letting it get to me a little. I don't do well with injustice."
08/24/2016 marked as: read

Comments (showing 1-6 of 6) (6 new)

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message 1: by jo (new)

jo and now of course i had to come here. fucken awesome, ian.

message 2: by Ian (new) - rated it 5 stars

Ian jo wrote: "fucken awesome, ian."

Best compliment I could get on this review. Thanks :)

Marius Hancu While reading Vernon God Little by DBC Pierre, you may want to see my questions related to it as answered in the alt.usage.english (AUE) Usenet newsgroup. My thanks to the participating AUE members. The focus of my questions was the language: rare words, funny or original expressions, special or strange constructs — as I saw them, from within my own idiosyncrasies.

message 4: by KC (new)

KC This is probably the best book review I've ever read in my life. Just thought you should know.

message 5: by Maxine (new)

Maxine (Booklover Catlady) Great review and yes I get the massacre of your fibro, I live with chronic pain too. I've just read this authors book Breakfast with the Borgias and was thinking of giving this a go too.

Lichenia Green you should write a book. It would be amazing!

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