karen's Reviews > Jane Eyre

Jane Eyre by Charlotte Brontë
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Oct 20, 11

bookshelves: littry-fiction

well, i can do that, too.

CELEBRITY DEATHMATCH REVIEWS*
(*entertainment purposes only)

HAMLET v. JANE EYRE


Setting: World Courts buildings, Den Haag, Netherlands; a closed-session hearing...

Judge: I have agreed to hear this case, but I must admit to both parties that we are in uncharted legal territory. Both parties must understand that I have very little administrative guidance with which to make a decision. This is a very public dispute, and the fate of a nation rests on my decision, so my decision- which is binding and final- will rest heavily on what I think is in the best interests of the Danish people. Agreed?

(all parties nod in agreement)

Judge: (to Hamlet) Prince Hamlet, I must admit: I’m astonished that you come to be in my court today. I thought you were dead by poison from the blade of Laertes.

Hamlet: A sub-lethal dose, it turns out, your Honor.

Judge: (nodding) Well, during your period of coma and internment in your family mausoleum, young Fortinbras here claimed your kingdom, citing the documents we reviewed earlier. (pauses to read some legal notes) Some of the changes made under Fortinbras’ rule have been very popular with the Danish public. The court is reluctant to overturn his claim.

(to Fortinbras) And who is this woman sitting with you?

Fortinbras: Your Honor, this is Jane Eyre, Governess of the Rochester Bank of London- which is the IMF’s (International Monetary Fund’s) appointed agent for the establishment of a Danish central bank, and the restructuring of the Danish economy.

Jane Eyre: (nodding deferentially) Your Honor..

Judge: (nods) My lady…

Hamlet: Your Honor, the creation of that central bank you mention is a point I’d like to address immediately. The gold coin of my father’s realm has been stable for centuries. The fiat notes Ms Eyre and her cronies would print bear no true value. (produces chart) This chart here shows how every fiat currency in history has either failed, or is in the process of failing. (motions to chart)



every fiat currency has failed

Judge: (looks over his glasses at the chart, then over to Jane) This seems quite compelling, Ms. Eyre. What have you to say about this?

Jane Eyre: (condescending) A modern, elastic currency is the only way to capitalize economic growth in Prince Hamlet’s backward little country. His people are living in the… well at least the 16th century, if not earlier.

Hamlet: Yes, it’s true, we haven’t had the Agricultural Revolution yet, but we need that to happen before we can industrialize… in order to free up manpower off the farms.

Fortinbras: (sniffing derisively) Ridiculous! The World Bank has already done an analysis of the Danish economy, and endorses our plans to industrialize immediately. We plan to get the necessary human by importing food and forcing displaced farm labor into the cities. By importing medical advances as well, we can also extend the population‘s lifespan, which will produce more slaves, er, labor force.

Judge: (conflicted) Medical advances are a good thing…

Jane Eyre: (triumphant) Yes, for starters, the Rochester Bank of England has begun construction of the Ophelia Memorial State Mental Hospital in downtown Elsinore.

Hamlet: (indignant) To be administered by a Mrs. Poole - a close personal associate of Ms. Eyre’s, it turns out! This is but one of many examples of the cronyism and corruption this IMF restructuring has brought to Denmark’s fair shores!

Jane Eyre: (with a subtle nod and wink to the Judge) Naturally, the IMF reserves the right to appoint able and vetted candidates of its own choosing, to oversee its projects…

Hamlet: (pointing at Fortinbras) And this scoundrel would enslave my subjects in servitude of debt… borrowing from the World Bank to fund a massive hydroelectric power plant!

Judge: Hydroelectric power? That sounds good to me. It’s infrastructure.

Hamlet: Infrastructure is great, but how about something relevant to the local economy? We aren’t industrialized yet… what do we need all that electricity for?

Jane Eyre: RBM (Rochester Business Machines) wants to build a factory in Denmark for the manufacture of circuit boards…

Hamlet: (standing up) Yes, at slave wages! Why not grow local businesses? Why not build port facilities to help the already-extant Danish fishing industry? Why not facilitate domestic trade by building roads and railways? Why not improve public health by building a solid waste treatment plant?
(motioning in Fortinbras’ general direction) THIS sort of infrastructure mainly benefits IMF cronies, who move in and exploit my subjects!

Fortinbras: (offended) “Solid waste”? How lewd!

Jane Eyre: (irritated) Judge, this Prince is obviously an insular autocrat who wishes to keep his people in the Stone… er, Elizabethan Age! His resistance to our humanitarian assistance is an injustice to the Danish people, a threat to free trade, and a refusal to peaceably enter into to the community of modern, enlightened nations. He’s a terrorist!

Judge: (appalled) A terrorist?!??

Jane Eyre: (meekly) No? Um… well, I meant figuratively speaking. An “intellectual terrorist”, if you will.

Hamlet: (pleading to Judge) My kingdom merely wishes to neither a borrower nor a lender be.

Judge: (thinks for a second) Hmmm… yes… because loan oft loses both itself and friend.

(Hamlet nods and smiles)

Judge and Hamlet in unison: And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry!

Judge: (standing up) YES!! I see your point exactly, fair Prince! This court hereby recognizes the government of Prince Hamlet of Denmark, and declares all claims of Fortinbras’ on that kingdom to be null and void! (bangs gavel loudly several times)

(Fortinbras and Jane Eyre stand up, outraged)

Fortinbras: Oh, wretched villainy!

Jane Eyre: YOU CAN’T DO THIS!!! YOU JUST MADE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF YOUR LIFE!!! YOU JUST TANGLED WITH FORCES GREATER THAN YOU CAN POSSIBLY COMPREHEND!!

(Jane rushes at the Judge, but is held back by a bailiff)

Bailiff: I’m sorry, Ma’am, Judge Birdopoulos has made his ruling.

Jane Eyre: (shaking her fists at the heavens) NOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooo!

MATCH POINT: HAMLET

Narrator: …And thus a tiny country was rescued, which would grow to one day be the greatest economy on Earth, and which saved the rest of its fellow nations from a great Dark Ages, when the great collapse of fiat currencies came.

THE END.
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