Vic's Reviews > Mr. Darcy, Vampyre

Mr. Darcy, Vampyre by Amanda Grange
Rate this book
Clear rating

by
2383730
's review
Jul 12, 2009

it was ok

Inquiring readers: The following is the third of three reviews I placed on my blog. In this instance, one is enough. I probably should have simply stayed with this one. Here, then, is Mrs. Darcy's letter to her sister Jane about her strange marriage to Mr. Darcy:



My dearest Jane,

Well, what a crock, as they say in 21st century America! I’ve had to delve a full 250 pages into Mr. Darcy Vampyre to find out what was going to happen to us. And then the plot was so rushed and jumbled that I never did received an adequate explanation of how vampyres came to be, or what exactly Mr. Darcy ate in order to survive for 150 years. Upon my honor, Jane, I am aware that men are not particularly conversant when it comes to giving out details, but I’d had no notion that Mr. Darcy suffered from a verbal disability. He could not for the life of him adequately explain his strange tale. In describing one of the most important events of his life – that of turning into a vampyre – he took all of 21 words. (STOP!: Major Spoiler Alert: “The woman turned to me, her fangs dripping red and then she was next to me and my neck was pierced”).

Ms. Anne Rice took pages and pages to describe the writhing tormenting death that humans go through to turn into vampyres, and even Ms. Stephanie Meyers hinted that the transformation was quite unpleasantly painful, but all I got from Mr. Darcy was twenty one itty bitty little words. In addition he made it sound as if turning into a vampyre was an ordinary event, with Mrs. Reynolds, the housekeeper, choosing to join the merry Pemberley vampyre band, although, to give Ms. Grange her due, my husband’s face WAS shadowed as he related these events.

Any discerning reader knows that Ms. Meyers can’t write her way out of a paper bag, but at least with Twilight she told a rousing good tale. Ms. Meyers also gave the reader ample glimpses of Edward Cullen’s mental torment and extraordinary physical skills. Ms Grange’s story of my life with Mr. Darcy is, frankly, missing the otherworldly touches and sensuality that vampyre fans have come to expect as their due. (Either that or humor, which is also absent. And you know how I am renowned for my BITING wit, hah!) Her hints about my husband are so thinly scattered in 5/6th of the book that they left me feeling confused rather than threatened. To say that suspense was lacking in our tale is to state the obvious. In the instances when Ms. Grange eschewed Bram Stoker’s lore, her vampyre rules seemed jerry rigged, for they sprung up from nowhere, unsupported by a well thought out back story. I could never quite tell (except in a few meagre scenes at the end) which super powers my husband had supposedly acquired, how ancient vampyres ruled their vampyre empire, or how conflicted Mr. Darcy felt watching those he loved grow old and die whilst he lived on forever.

There was a lot of telling in this book, but very little showing, and scent and touch were largely missing. Never was a more sensual and sensuous vampyre created than The Vampire Lestat, and I felt that my Mr. Darcy deserved at the very least the rich, decadent and multi-layered descriptions that Anne Rice gave her own vampire. But it was not to be. Ms. Grange turned Mr. Darcy into a milque toastie vampyre when I frankly would have preferred someone darker.

To add insult to injury, I am also suffering from a major letdown. When Mr. Darcy and I finally came together as one, Ms. Grange glossed over our glorious moments in a single paragraph. I kid you not. My love for Darcy SAVED him from eternal damnation and hell, (and crumbling buildings, fissures, and falling statues) so that at the very least I deserved to sing soprano as our entwined souls soared to the rafters! Instead I merely trembled and weakened. I’m done and refuse to lend my good name (and Mr. Darcy’s) to another sequel. My husband and I are headed for England and the hallowed halls of Pemberley, for I am genuinely concerned about your last letter. Your cryptic statement informing me that our friends the Misses Dashwood were abducted by a giant octopus leaves me most anxious to use my zombie slayer warrior skills to save them.

Love,

Mrs. Darcy, Once sang alto, now sings soprano

Vic gives this book One and 1/2 fangs out of four fangs, mostly for trying, for as a travel log the book is quite satisfying.
8 likes · flag

Sign into Goodreads to see if any of your friends have read Mr. Darcy, Vampyre.
Sign In »

Reading Progress

07/12/2009 page 52
16.88%
05/03/2016 marked as: read
show 2 hidden updates…

Comments (showing 1-4 of 4) (4 new)

dateDown arrow    newest »

message 1: by Kate (new)

Kate Daly Dear God!


message 2: by Vic (new) - rated it 2 stars

Vic Kate wrote: "Dear God!"

Precisely. Am slogging through this one.




message 3: by Bry (new) - rated it 1 star

Bry Best review ever! My sides hurt from laughing!


message 4: by S. (new) - added it

S. J. Fantastic review!


back to top