(Joint review with JORDAN)[A projection room somewhere in Hollywood. Two middle-aged men are looking at a screen, currently empty:]
JERRY BRUCKHEIMER: [for it is he:]
Okay Mike, now you've been playing this pretty close to your chest. Show me what you've got.
MICHAEL BAY: I'd love to.[The film starts. We see the Garden of Eden. Nothing much is happening. The camera pans around and finally looks at some pretty KUROSAWA-inspired clouds. On the voiceover, ANTHONY HOPKINS, as the Narrator, is reading Paradise Lost:]
HOPKINS: Of Mans First Disobedience, and the Fruit
Of that Forbidden Tree, whose mortal tast
Brought Death into the World, and all our woe...
BRUCKHEIMER: [almost physically ill:]
Mike, how could you do
this to me?[BAY looks smug and says nothing:]
HOPKINS: ... Illumin, what is low raise and support;
That to the highth of this great Argument
I may assert Eternal Providence,
And justifie the wayes of God to men.
BRUCKHEIMER: Tell me I'm not hearing this.[On cue, MEGAN FOX appears, walking in slo-mo and wearing nothing but an entrancing smile. Various bits bounce interestingly:]
BRUCKHEIMER: Hey! Didn't she say you were like Hitler?
BAY: Megan and I understand each other.[A moment later, we see ROBERT PATTINSON, dressed in similar fashion. BRUCKHEIMER suddenly brightens up:]
BRUCKHEIMER: Mike, don't ever
do that to me again. O-kaay. Well, this oughta pack in the Twilight fans. But are you sure we should be showing his...[BAY is way ahead of him. He gestures to the PROJECTIONIST, who immediately switches to a different shot of the same scene. Various strategically placed branches, stones, leaves etc have restored PATTINSON's modesty à la AUSTIN POWERS:]
BRUCKHEIMER: Better. Wait, is he sparkling?
BAY: It's just the lights. We can fix that in post-editing.
BRUCKHEIMER: And I'm still not happy about the language. No one'll understand a word of it.
BAY: Come on, Jerry. Think Passion of the Christ. Think Apocalypto. Think Inglourious Basterds...
BRUCKHEIMER: Yeah, yeah, yeah, but they had subtitles. Okay, we'll talk about that later. Show me some of the action sequences.[Another cut. Alarums. Excursions. CGI effects. ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER, holding a massive laser weapon, is blasting away at what appears to be a horde of DECEPTICONS:]
HOPKINS: ... Full soon
Among them he arriv'd; in his right hand
Grasping ten thousand Thunders, which he sent
Before him, such as in thir Soules infix'd
Plagues; they astonisht all resistance lost...
BRUCKHEIMER: Jesus Christ.
BAY: Who else?
SCHWARZENEGGER: Eat wrath-of-God, muthafuckas![BRUCKHEIMER raises an eyebrow. BAY looks defensive:]
BAY: It was an ad lib. We haven't decided yet if we're going to keep it.[An awkward pause:]
BAY: Do you think we should give him a halo?
BRUCKHEIMER: The religious right will like that. I'd say go with it. So I guess you have Dan Craig as Satan?
BAY: Budget said we couldn't afford him. Let me show you what we came up with.[Cut. MICHAEL DOUGLAS, as Satan, faces GLENN CLOSE. She looks like a rather scarier version of Cruella de Vil:]
DOUGLAS: What thing thou art, thus double-form'd, and why
In this infernal Vaile first met thou call'st
Me Father, and that Fantasm call'st my Son?
I know thee not, nor ever saw till now
Sight more detestable then him and thee.
BRUCKHEIMER: Who the fuck is she? I haven't read this since high school.
BAY: It's Sin. His ex.
CLOSE: ... Becam'st enamour'd, and such joy thou took'st
With me in secret, that my womb conceiv'd
A growing burden...[Flashback. A much younger version of CLOSE, with frizzy blonde hair as in Fatal Attraction, is taking joy with DOUGLAS over a celestial sink:]
Will the 16-24 demographic get it?
BAY: Research is working on that. We're thinking she could maybe boil Eve's bunny. I'll show you another bit.
DOUGLAS: [Making speech:]
... Here we may reign secure; and in my choice
To reign is worth ambition, though in hell:
Better to reign in hell than serve in heaven.
BRUCKHEIMER: Cut it. Too talky.
BAY: Yup, that's what we thought too. It's out.
BRUCKHEIMER: So how do we wrap this up? I remember it had a crap ending. Total downer too.[Commotion outside. Raised voices. Suddenly, the door opens, and TILDA SWINTON strides in wearing her White Witch costume:]
BRUCKHEIMER: What the...
SWINTON: Eve was framed![She raises her wand and zaps BRUCKHEIMER and BAY, who are instantly transformed into snakes:]
BRUCKHEIMER: Fucking hiss!
SWINTON: [to camera:]