Tincangoat's Reviews > Rise of the Governor

Rise of the Governor by Robert Kirkman
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's review
Jul 17, 2012

did not like it
bookshelves: i-d-rather-screw-a-monkey
Read from July 17 to 18, 2012

What did I think? I think I could have saved an hour of my life by not reading this book.

I have this thing I call my "Game of Thrones Test". This is when I give each book I choose to read at least a hundred pages before I call it quits.

Why? Well, the first time I picked up GoT (The Bantam 3rd-printing, paperback edition, that I purchased 27 March, 1999 from Hastings in Boise, ID, on Overland Road. Which I know because I put the purchase receipt in every book I purchase. Yeah, weird.) I was so bored that I quit reading at about page 35 and then put the book down.

Eleven years later, a friend of mine was telling me about the book and suggested I give it another try, which I did. It was on this 2nd try that I discovered on page 85 is where the book really takes off SPOILER! SPOILER! SPOILER! (As if anyone doesn't know this by now...) SPOILER! SPOILER! when Bran is pushed from the castle tower to his seemingly quick death by the incestuous Lannisters.

The thing is, if I would have read the book to page 100 that first go around 11 years ago, I'd have known that the book only gets better from there. Now, because of the Game of Thrones incident, I give each book 100 pages to prove it's worth.

Then there is this book. I started out promising the book my attention for 100 pages, but found it necessary to adjust the 100 pages to 50 for this book after reading this on page 5: "—the ejaculate of blood like a mop head slapping the floor—".

Two issues with that: 1) I only think of ejaculating and mops going hand-in-hand when referencing peepshows; and 2) I NEVER think of ejaculating blood. Ever.

What a terrible descriptive narrative.

That's probably the worst line I read in all of 35 pages, but there are enough likes and similes on each page to drive a person, like, mad.

Here are some more favorite irritants:
Page 35—"The dead lady goes for Philip's neck with the autonomic hunger of a giant snapping turtle..."

Page 31—Maybe people do do this, but who the @#$% puts barbells, a pinball machine, and a tanning bed in the attic? And does so by carrying that crap up an accordion step ladder, through a hatch to the attic? This stuff in an attic was a bit over-the-top for me.

Page 26—"He leans down and plants a kiss on her left eyebrow." Her "left eyebrow"? Who cares which eyebrow, seriously? It could have read "kissed her unibrow" and I still could have cared less. At least on this page he wrote "a half-full glass of water". That way we all know he's an optimist.

Page 23—A character calls a 20-year-old bottle of Scotch "hooch". Maybe it's just me, but I'm pretty sure "hooch" means "inferior".

And lastly, the description that BE (Before "Ejaculate") made me want to stop then and there:

Page 4—"...the child flinches at another rendition of Skull Splitting in D minor." Yep, he capitalized "Skull Splitting" as if it's the title of an actual song.

Now I read Kirkman's comic book each month and yes there are some bad lines in it once in a while, but I can assure you after 100 issues, nothing in the comic (or TV show) reads (or sounds) like this garbage.

Which makes me wonder: Did Kirkman know this book was written before it was published? Or did the publishers see a quick way to rip people off by throwing Kirkman's name on something as quickly as possible?

I'm hoping the second is true, because only that reason makes sense.

Be forewarned, this is the first book of three. Yes, the publishers are throwing out a trilogy of crap. Buyer beware.

Me? I'm saving my money and more importantly, my time, for better writing.

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Reading Progress

07/17/2012 page 25

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