false 46186 1576839540 9781576839546 1179 376 http://photo.goodreads.com/books/1170315387m/46186.jpg http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/46186.Parenting_With_Love_and_Logic 25836 Foster W. Cline 1577 486 2 2 false Mon Oct 27 21:46:57 -0700 2008 Mon Oct 27 21:49:18 -0700 2008 The premise of this book is that children learn from mistakes. The natural consequences that occur from their actions teach the child to continue or change their behavior. Example: A child touches a hot stove. The painful heat teaches the child not to do that again. No parent involvement was necessary. As parents, we counsel children, assisting them to see the problem at hand and brainstorm solutions for it. Then we stay hands off in the follow through. Owning the problem teaches them responsibility.
Some points I agree with:
As parents, we need to be "counselors" to our children
We should resist controlling our children's every decision
Children learn responsibility from mistakes
If we do not allow them to fail, they will not learn to succeed
Natural consequences are valuable
Some points I do not agree with:

My first issue came at the beginning of the book, as the authors gave their own testimonials to their theories, telling the readers that if anything in the book seems to ruffle our feathers or that our gut reaction disagrees, it is simply because this is not how we were raised, and because we want to be enlightened to a better way, we need to push aside those feelings of discomfort and believe the book. Ok, does this bring to mind The Emperor's New Clothes to anyone else? ("The only people to question anything must be stupid, now who wants to speak up??" And all the (wise) adults stand by praising the (non) clothes of the Emperor in the parade...) I guess I just have gripes with someone (even a reputable author) telling me that my intuition or gut feelings are wrong and to blindly follow their expert advise. (I have no idea where my stubborn children got it from...) But really, I believe that we are given intuition and "feelings" to guide our lives, including regarding what we read.
As parents, our role is solely to be counselors to our children (not said in so many words, but all examples, etc. led me to believe the authors truly end parental responsibility with "counseling" and "advising".) To me, counseling is one of many parental roles. And that role heightens as the child matures. This book seemed to neglect the roles of modeling and training, but instead just threw the kids out into the world to learn from one painful mistake after another. The authors advocate stepping in only at cost of "loss of limb or life." I believe there are also other consequences with a price tag too high to risk.
Some mistakes may eventually be learned through natural consequences, but what if that same lesson could have been learned in a much more timely manner without sacrificing years to the lesson. You can't get those years back.
Not all correct choices feel good, and not all bad choices feel bad. Sometimes we sacrifice external rewards in making the better choice. If we rely soley on others' reactions, we may "succeed" in some people's eyes in the short run. But really, can anyone please everyone? And should that be our goal? Of course not. So to teach our children to measure their success in such a way is ludicrous.
]]>