Michael's Reviews > A Dance with Dragons

A Dance with Dragons by George R.R. Martin
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's review
Aug 16, 12

bookshelves: 2010-and-after, fiction-that-speculates
Read from July 07 to August 16, 2012

Tyrion Lannister's horse was rubbing him raw as they rode onward, the branches of the trees above them swaying in a branch-like way. Ravens flew about among them, and clouds of dust hovered like halos around the hooves of their steeds.

Wiping sweat from his brow, Tyrion spoke to yet another minor character you've never seen before. "I hear that the Morvin and the Shornpel clans have sided with Darvus Farier from the great city of Bee Eff Eee, and are pushing forward late king Baratheon's bastard's scullery maid's uncle's melanoma as the true heir to the throne."

The minor character chortled as he spooned up some of the newt egg soup. It had been spiced with cloves and the lightest touch of pepper, and leaves of cilantro floated like corpses upon its surface. Eating a side of braised elk spleen and a hunk of bread with a cheese sauce, the minor character said, "If so, even more of the action is likely to shift away from the viewpoint characters, and THEN we'll see whether any of the characters from the first volume even make it to the final book, A Trample of Turtles."

"But," Tyrion pondered aloud, eating inch-long prawns from a trencher filled with a hot butter sauce, "If the Starks send nine hundred of their men from the outer borders of ThatoneplaceImentionedOnce, and they move down toward the Lannister forces on Dragon's Fjord before the Lannister forces can unite with the Great Army of the Unwashed Men, perhaps they can defeat the bunjillion soldiers in the south now being ushered in the general direction of King's Landing by that one other guy. I can't remember his name. You know, the one?"

The minor character shrugged, tearing a piece from his bread bowl and dipping it into a small puddle of balsamic vinegar. "You forget about the people beyond the wall, and the dragons in the east, and Bobbert, King Robert's mechanic. He now claims to have been conceived with the king's own cum, and thus has a claim to the throne."

Tyrion scratched his chin. "That does throw a new light on how convoluted things are becoming."

They continued riding, their horses traveling gradually. More branches passed overhead. It felt as if the traveling had gone on indefinitely, and the audience was more than capable of empathizing. Tyrion munched on fresh radishes and drank a bold red wine from a skin hanging from his belt. The wine was rich, with plum flavorings and an oaky aftertaste.

"But," said Tyrion, suggesting another possible set of things that could happen. He made reference to an event that happened nine-hundred pages ago, but remembered it wrong, then postulated what the possible outcome could be. They rode onward. Minor Character munched on some pine nuts.


Chapter 2

Eudaknow An Eudongivafuck, minor noble from Shelbyville, rubbed his temple, filled with anxiety at being introduced as a new viewpoint character 9,600 pages into the series. How would he live up to the amazing characters who had come before him and died so tragically? Perhaps because he had a valid claim to the throne, Having been the barista in King Robert's favorite coffeehouse. Yeah, that was the ticket. Riding his steed/ship across the desert/glenn/ocean/alley, he traveled gradually, wondering when he would arrive. Discussing with the others upon the ship, he theorized about possible outcomes of the conflicts in Westeros, all the while eating a succulent pomegranate, red juices running down his chin like he'd just been chewing on afterbirth.


Chapter 3

The titties tittied, jiggling with much breastful bosomliness. The oiled girls with Brazilian waxes down below wrestled and licked each other's areolas, but it was only to help you become immersed in a realistic depiction of the ancient world. As the breasts bosomed with titful abandon, Tyrion ate shark flank. It had been buttered, cooked for twenty minutes at 345 degrees, then drizzled with a lemon sauce and allowed to cool for five minutes. The flavor was only mildly fishy, and Tyrion burped, taking another drink of the white zinfandel before digging into the raspberry crepes with a chocolate fondu. "But still, Measter, you must understand the possibilities of that event rely on Stannis placing all of his trust in the moody lords of the upper northwest. They are known for being fickle and not holding to their oaths, and Stannis is more likely to try and seize the Port of Skulls. Will the king's ninth bastard even survive that battle? If so, at what cost to Stannis? Plus, what happens if the Lannisters and the Starks team up, and get Batman to join them, and Stannis can only get Iron Man? What then?"

Measter laughed at the dwarf. "That may be, dwarf. You might be short and a dwarf, but you have a mind as sharp as a blade. But you are very tiny, in case that had escaped anyone's notice. Even so, if Stannis enlists Dumbledore, Gandalf and Belgarion, he will be more than a match for the team-up of Lannister, Batman and Stark. Even if they get Rocky Balboa and Wesley Willis on their side."

Tyrion watched the boobs. "But what about Joshua Lyman? Because he could totally take Dumbledore, and maybe Iron Man."

Tyrion ate a lamb gyro, thinking back to the exciting thing that happened after the last chapter ended, thinking of it in an ambiguous and incomplete way. Since it had been 100 pages since his last chapter, you had entirely forgotten what the exciting thing at the end of the chapter was anyway, so it was not much of a loss. "Well," he said, "Now that all of the titties have jiggled sufficiently, we must needs be back on the road."

They rode their steeds along a road, hooves raising up halos of dust, the ravens flittering about in the branches and saying what words they had picked up from the conversation.

The half-man, who was short and a dwarf, wiped the sweat from his brow.

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Reading Progress

46.0% "Where is the dancing? I was promised dancing." 14 comments
67.0% "Okay, it's finally getting interesting." 1 comment
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Comments (showing 1-38 of 38) (38 new)

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message 1: by Jacob (new)

Jacob "Gosh," said George, "I don't think I'll be able to finish this story in twelve books like I promised yesterdaOH HEY FOOTBALL!"

message 2: by Eh?Eh! (new)

Eh?Eh! If you weren't already married, I would offer up the dwarf of your choice to do with as you will. This is why I don't read epic fantasy anymore!

message 3: by Eh?Eh! (new)

Eh?Eh! 2 dwarves! To do with as you will!

message 4: by J.M. (new) - added it

J.M. "As the breasts bosomed with titful abandon..."

Pure genius.

Michael "Gosh," said George, "I don't think I'll be able to finish this story in twelve books like I promised yesterdaOH HEY FOOTBALL!"

And: "You want me to create a new anthology of science fiction with left-handed bards as protagonists? Yes, I'll do it! Let me just move these other projects aside. . . "

What would you do with two dwarves? You really need seven for things to really get going.

I don't know, Elizabeth. . . with two dwarves AND a chicken, I could get quite a party started. Especially if the chicken was flexible.

message 6: by Sparrow (new)

Sparrow I really want to watch Josh Lyman take Dumbledore and Iron Man. He could so do it. Easy.

Michael Josh Lyman could take anybody, including Batman. My money is always on Josh Lyman.

message 8: by Sparrow (new)

Sparrow You are 100% correct.

Michael This is why I don't read epic fantasy anymore!

I should say that, as much as I poke fun at the style, I am loving this book. And there have actually only been breasts one time in the first 200 pages. . . that part of my "review" was making fun of the HBO show, where there seems to be a nine-titties-per-episode rule.

Although the traveling gets redundant, the politics are hard to keep up with, and the food porn is even more gratuitous than my Facebook feed, it's worth enduring those mockable traits for the strength of the characters and the depth of the world. For me, anyway.

This is the only endless fantasy series I've found interesting, though, so I can totally respect the wish to avoid epic fantasy. Other than Tolkien and Peake, they're like soap operas for boys.

message 10: by Miriam (new)

Miriam I'm probably showing my lack of nerd cred here, but isn't Wesley Willis a dead musician?

Michael Yes, but news of his death has yet to travel all the way across Westeros.

Yes, Wesley is author of such classics as "I Wupped Batman's Ass" and "Suck a Polar Bear's Dick." He couldn't take Josh Lyman, but he could take Dumbledore. If he weren't dead, of course.

message 12: by Jacob (new)

Jacob Miriam wrote: "I'm probably showing my lack of nerd cred here, but isn't Wesley Willis a dead musician?"

Well, Dumbledore's a dead magician, so they're still evenly matched.

message 13: by Sparrow (last edited Jul 08, 2012 03:21PM) (new)

Sparrow Josh Lyman would be better matched against Shakespeare riding on a pegasus and eating ice cream sandwiches. Or Beyonce with adamantium bones inventing a teleportation device.

Michael Shakespeare on a screwnicorn eating chocolate ice cream sandwiches with fudge and peanut butter m&ms in them while wielding a death ray in his other hand, you mean!

I can make no improvements to Beyonce with adamantium bones inventing a teleportation device, unless she were also riding the rings of Saturn in a platinum rocket designed to look like a boombox.

message 15: by Sparrow (new)

Sparrow Exactly. Except, death-ray eyes.

message 16: by Sparrow (new)

Sparrow And he's writing the new season of Arrested Development with his free hand.

Michael Haha, yes!

message 18: by Emma (new) - rated it 4 stars

Emma Freakin' brilliant...both the "review" AND the above comments. Plus, Josh Lyman would be able to convince winter not to come. Ever.

message 19: by Charles (new)

Charles Brilliant. And, unfortunately, all too accurate.

message 20: by Dannossiel (new)

Dannossiel realy laughed out loud at the half man being short and a dwarf.at some point making fun of your weaknesses gets realy boring.loved your review and i too enjoyed the book inspite all the things you mention so accurately.cheers!

Rohit Raut Best. Review. Ever.

Nadia You Ser Architeuthis are a talented comedian, love love loved reading your sarcastic review. Loved the book, but had tears in my eyes reading this review. "As the breasts bosomed with titful abandon, Tyrion ate shark flank. It had been buttered, cooked for twenty minutes at 345 degrees, then drizzled with a lemon sauce and allowed to cool for five minute" HILARIOUS!!

Michael Haha, thank you :-) I still love the series as well, but after the bajillion pages I've read so far, it's getting pretty easy to spot Martin's weak spots. I'm hoping he still remembers how to write an action scene when the next battle happens!

message 24: by Kris43 (new)

Kris43 LOL! Titties! Dude, I laughed so hard here! Thank you 4 making my morning:)

message 25: by Hans (new) - rated it 5 stars

Hans Nørløv Who is Josh Lyman? Is he the new Chuck Norris?

Michael Hans, you must go watch The West Wing. Right now. I suggest at least the first 4 seasons, but you'll probably want to keep going. He's a different kind of badass from Chuck Norris, but could totally hand Chuck his ass.

Nancy Grier I really enjoyed your review/version so much more than the actual book. I needed a hearty laugh!

Oshun I love this.

message 29: by Joshua (new) - added it

Joshua James Best. Review. Ever.

Michael Thanks! I will be reviewing the sequel in....oh, a decade or so.

message 31: by Joshua (new) - added it

Joshua James Or you could beat GRRM (pronounced grrm!) to the punch and write the sequel first. I look forward to hearing what must needs be eaten next.

Jessie R Hahaha<3

Nadia whenever I feel a bit down, I just have to come here and read this review... tears in my eyes again... ok ok, I feel so much better for eating the whole pack of chocolate chip cookies! :-)

message 34: by Kay (new) - rated it 5 stars

Kay Prell i'm like another reviewer - GRRM could write a grocery list, and as long as he mentioned Tyrion, John and Arya, i'd be hooked. but loved this review - laughed to tears - helps me wait for next installment. thx - kay

message 35: by Jenn (new)

Jenn Boyfriend thought I'd lost it just now because I was cracking up reading this. Well played.

message 36: by Stuart (new)

Stuart Holy epic fantasy minor character POV food porn titties, Batman! I think I got a hernia from laughing out loud on the train today! As Joshua said, if GRRM is too slow to finish the series, you could do it better and make it much more fun. Watching Season 3 on iTunes now, but can't keep this review out of my head. Awesome job, Arch~

message 37: by Andy (new) - added it

Andy Rogers I think you just wrote the equivalent of "Bored Of The Rings" :)

Marcus This review never gets old. Hysterical.

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