mark monday's Reviews > A Princess of Mars

A Princess of Mars by Edgar Rice Burroughs
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Jul 08, 12

bookshelves: futuristik-classik, rain-man-reviews

A SYNOPSIS OF THE BOOK A PRINCESS OF MARS!

John Carter travels to Barsoom to live, love, and fight amongst the Green Men, the Red Men, and the White Apes! his Earthman physique combined with Barsoomian gravity means he's incredibly strong and can jump like a giant-sized super-grasshopper!

John Carter arrives there nekkid! everyone is nekkid! they only wear weapons and ornaments! the Red Race knows what Earthers look like and they think all the clothing we wear is apalling and disgusting! i agree!

John Carter is transported to Barsoom from Frontier America directly after a bloody conflict with the dread and savage Red Man (in this case, the Apache)... and on Barsoom, his adventures involve the alternately warlike and peaceful Red Men, who he views as the closest thing to human. coincidence?

Green Men do not believe in love or friendship or marriage or parenthood. they only laugh when another creature is in its death-agonies. they are a war-like people, to say the least. they also share everything. apparently their customs came from an ancient society based in communalism... dare i say, communism? coincidence?

The Princes of Mars in question is a two-dimensional creation: in love with John Carter except for those predictable moments when predictable misunderstandings occur, a Red Princess of the city-state Helium, beautiful, haughty, brave, a woman of her word, etc, etc. her name is Dejah Thoris.

Burroughs writes clean prose that is easy going down and surprisingly modern in its smooth, no-frills style. this is the opposite of a laborious read. the narrative is perfectly straightforward and the infodumps were relatively pain-free. the characters are enjoyably cartoonish. i read this on my droid over the course of maybe a half-dozen bus rides. a charming experience.

the novel features a cute Barsoomian dog-thing - my favorite character!

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A SYNOPSIS OF THE MOVIE JOHN CARTER!

John Carter travels to Mars to live, love, and fight amongst the Green Men and the Red Men! his Earthman physique combined with Martian gravity means he's incredibly strong and can jump like a giant-sized super-grasshopper!

John Carter arrives there fully clothed! and then he changes into something more revealing! The Red Race also prefer revealing attire!

John Carter spends an inordinately long and tiresome period of time in Frontier America that is nonsensical and bored me to near-sleep. this inordinately lengthy sequence features conflicts with some Native American tribe, some jail time, and some character bits for a completely non-essential supporting character. on Mars, he comes across the "Red Men", who actually are not red at all but look like they spend too much time at some cheap tanning salon. they should be called the Orangey Men.

Green Men are monstrous humanoids. their children are adorable little widgets.

there is a Princess of Mars and she is perhaps the most three-dimensional character in the film: a scientist and a kick ass warrior. she is played by Lynn Collins, who was strangled by a serial killer in the first season of True Blood.

the film is co-written by Michael Chabon! what! the film is directed by Pixar house director Andrew Stanton. i watched a sneak peek of this at Pixar itself, after indulging in a few free drinks at one of the Pixar bars. i got drunk!

the film features a cute Martian dog-thing - my favorite character!
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Comments (showing 1-21 of 21) (21 new)

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message 1: by Manny (last edited Jul 08, 2012 01:26AM) (new)

Manny Whaaaaat did you say?? Co-written by Michael Chabon????? I somehow missed that. Think we may go see it after all. Thanks!


mark monday i couldn't believe my eyes! little do the unwashed masses know that their precious John Carter was written by a bonafide Pulitzer Prize winner! and yet there is very little that is Chabon-ish in this film! i gnash my teeth in frustration! Chabon was paying the bills!


message 3: by Manny (new)

Manny Oh. Well, very responsible of you to add that! Maybe we'll stick to plan A then :)


message 4: by Shovelmonkey1 (new)

Shovelmonkey1 When you put up that post about Burroughs I was thinking more along the lines of augusten or William h.


mark monday ha! quite the opposite. although i suppose all 3 authors share a fondness for nekkid.


message 6: by knig (new)

knig I liked your review for two reasons. The first is, now everyone on my feed will be blinded for the rest of the day from your powerful gifgaf (serves them right), and the second is because I find nekkid men irresistible.


mark monday yes, they deserve it! and yes!


Karla (Mossy Love Grotto) My GR buddies will hate me for bumping that GIF, but eff 'em, I say. :D


Megan Baxter Go, Woola!


message 10: by Jemidar (new)

Jemidar Karla (Mossy Love Grotto) wrote: "My GR buddies will hate me for bumping that GIF, but eff 'em, I say. :D"

Oh my, that's seizure inducing!


Algernon Love the review. Hate the gif!


message 12: by Kemper (new)

Kemper I'd like to hear the conversations at the Pixar bar:

"No, no. It's a rat in the kitchen, but it's not gross. He's the cook, see. What? Oh, he'll wash his hands."

"So the old lady dies in like the first ten minutes. That'll get the kids all set to laugh for the rest of the movie."

"The robot will be the hero and the people will all be these crap bags who can't even get out of their chairs."


message 13: by Katy (new) - added it

Katy Kemper wrote:
"No, no. It's a rat in the kitchen, but it's not gross. He's the cook, see. What? Oh, he'll wash his hands."


Actually, rats are quite clean animals; just like cats, they are constantly grooming and washing themselves, and given a clean environment, will tend to keep themselves clean. We had one delightful lady who, after a surgery to remove a tumor, we had to keep alone while she healed. We provided her two boxes to choose from for her sleeping comfort, and instead she turned one into her private toilet. We had others who figured out how to hold down the ball on the ends of their water bottles with one paw, allowing the water to run out freely so they could splash it on their faces for a wash. Others, when I allowed them to play in the bathroom while I was taking a bath, would jump into the water with me (sometimes even on purpose). So, it's really not that far off from reality.

And Now You Know...


Richard Reviles Censorship Always in All Ways I want to do an Audience Member's Cut of John Carter and trim that Earth gubbins down to ~5min.

Thumbs up review, six thumbs way down (never mind where I got the other four) on the GIF which made me unswallow my coffee.


message 15: by Noran (new)

Noran Miss Pumkin Sorry Mark, no want to see people naked all the time.


Nataliya Love this review!

"the novel features a cute Barsoomian dog-thing - my favorite character!

Fully agree :D

"the film features a cute Martian dog-thing - my favorite character!"

Woola is the best.


message 17: by mark (new) - rated it 3 stars

mark monday *** glad the gif was such a hit!

*** i tune out of all Pixar conversations that are about Pixar and not about me. which means i tune out a lot. but i do want to say that Pixar People are a very nice people. they have my endorsement!

*** i think white rats are adorable. and yes, very clean!

*** Noran avoid the movie John Carter!

*** thanks Algernon, Richard, and Nataliya!

*** go Woola! he deserves a spin-off cartoon series.


message 18: by [deleted user] (new)

Good review. I plan on reading the novel. What did you think of the film? I never really caught that :P


message 19: by mark (new) - rated it 3 stars

mark monday i thought the film was fun. stupid but fun. i preferred the film's conception of the Princess more than the book's, but i preferred much else about the book. i'd watch it again. if i was high.

and thanks!


message 20: by Muneca71 (new) - added it

Muneca71 The movie was great. I did think parts were very Star Wars-ish, but nevertheless a good movie. Now I must the books!!


message 21: by mark (new) - rated it 3 stars

mark monday Muneca71 wrote: "The movie was great.

especially the dog!


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